Goals

Okay, so i talked with J about my battle with time and my complete lack of direction. i confessed how discouraged and confused i felt. i even admitted how bad my self esteem and body image are. In the end, i broke down and cried and told him how disgusting i feel that i am.
J, for some reason i will never understand, but am eternally grateful for, loves me. He held me, and told me how much he loves me, and that he thinks i am beautiful and wonderful. That was wonderful and calmed me, but he went beyond that and sat down with me and helped me come up with some concrete goals to fix the things that i am unhappy with in my life.
So here is our plan for a happier angel:
1) Do not go back to school or work this fall. Wait until the winter so that i have plenty of time to explore ALL of my options. He promised me his unflagging support of whatever i choose to do, but he thinks i need to be stronger emotionally and i need to give myself time to really decide what it is that i want to do. Not many people get a second chance like the one i am being given, and i should treat it with care. i will take evaluations and have meetings with advisors to determine the best course of action for me.
2) Work on my self-esteem issues. i am to research and find a way of getting to the size i want to be. Then discuss it with him. No unhealthy yo-yo dieting will be allowed, and i must commit to an exercise regimen. J will not be turning into the food police and he will not punish me for failing, but he promised me support when i need it and rewards for doing well. i am also to find a skin care regimen i can live with and resign myself to having my eyebrows waxed every two weeks. When Vanessa comes home tomorrow (she is staying in a hotel with Polly Pedicure) we are going to consult with her about what best to do with my hair. (She’s a hair dresser, or was before she got sick) i have to find a way to make my appearance more appealing to ME. J says he thinks i am beautiful just as i am. i am so lucky.
3) i am going to try to be content with having Kami every weekend for now. It is not fair to her to drag her out of a home she is happy and content in when i am not at my best mentally and emotionally. Although it may not feel like it to me all the time, doing these things for myself, to make myself healthier and stronger, is working towards bringing Kami home. As i get better, i can do more for her.
4) i will call the gastro-interalogist on Monday and make an appointment for Brad. i will arrange to go to the school week after next and meet with his therapists and discuss what else i can be doing at home to help with his progress.
5) i will return to my routine with the housework, delegating some of the tasks to Vanessa while she is living here. i will take over weeding and watering the garden so that i can feel that i am producing something.
6) i will not let my extended family drive me apeshit.
Okay, this was another post for me… i’ll make another with the day to day, what’s going on in my life kinda thing. In the meantime, if anyone has any suggestions or helpful advice about any of these goals, i’d love to hear ‘em!

Only with Rain can you get a Rainbow

i spent most of today feeling sorry for myself. Polly Pedicure hurt my feelings again today, and i went into the bathroom and stared in the mirror for a long time. i was disgusted with what i saw.
In many ways it seems to me that the last 5 years have passed as though in a dream. i feel like i am just waking up. i have so much to do, to be who i want to be. i do not see myself as this unattractive person i see staring back at me in the mirror. i still see myself as young and vital and pretty. i guess it took spending some time in the company of a course asshole who doesn’t know that it is mean to hurt people’s feelings to wake me up. i don’t know if i am grateful to him or if i want to hit him, but i know i must make a change.
There has been this icky space between J and i for some time now. Or at least i perceived things that way. If J jerked off, it was that he didn’t want me. If he stayed in the garage working on his car it was that he didn’t want to be with me. In short, i have been making myself miserable putting my shit off on him. Having to really face myself made me see that the person who was really disgusted here, was me.
J made love to me tonight. It was bittersweet. He looked into my eyes as he pumped me long and slow and told me that he loved me, and i just wanted to cry. i wanted to apologize for how moody i have been of late. Instead i tried to give him very good sex (he says i did) and make him cum as hard as possible. Then we had our talk about how out of control my life has gotten. i did apologize, and he gave me his forgiveness, his support, and his love. i will not let him down.
i will not let me down.

Beware Postal Workers

i figured since my last post didn’t tell you folks a damn thing; i would make another, which is just an update on my life. lol, my three loyal readers might miss me.
Today i finally got the house cleaned up. It has been hard to keep it done with Brad around and Vanessa here constantly. It looks better and it makes me feel better when it is nice.
i also broke my glasses today. i currently have them rigged together with an orange bread tie. You should see me, i am a thing of beauty, lmao. This really sucks, because if J or Polly Pedicure can’t fix them i’ll just have to wear them like this for a little while cause we can’t afford for me to get new ones for at least two weeks. Dammit!
Brad’s trifling respite care worker was late AGAIN today. That makes everyday this week. Then she said she would not be working next week. ARGH!!! i am about at the point of getting rid of her. i absolutely hate to be a bitch, but she doesn’t work at least half of the days she is scheduled to, and then she is late. What good is having her if i can’t depend on her? i am sick of this.
J and i had a fight yesterday. We spent today making up, but things are still a bit strained. i hate when we aren’t getting along, but some things are just too important not to stand up about. Usually when we fight, it is because i am wrong. But, i still believe i was right this time. Honestly it would be easier if i didn’t.
And, lastly, i NEED to get laid!!! i am putting Vanessa in a box with Brad and shipping them somewhere so i can get some!

Pre-Prioritize

i remember, not so long ago, when time seemed to move like molasses left on the front porch during a snow storm. Now it flies by, leaving me gasping and exhausted and still unable to complete all the tasks i set for myself on any given day. What the hell is going on here?
i think what it comes down to is a complete lack of priorities. i don’t know what goals i want to work on first. i don’t know what the most important things are. Hell, at this point i don’t even have time to set down and figure it out! All i know for sure, is that my life is becoming a tangled mess and i absolutely have to straighten it out before i become ensnared and choke.
So, let me see, what things am i working on at this point in my life? i like lists, i work better with lists, so i am making (you guessed it) a list.

J
Brad’s progress and schooling
Bringing Kami home
Career
Keeping the house clean and comfortable
my extended family

Okay, i think that is all of the super big things. Now, i guess i need to look at each one and decide where i am at with each and where i want to go. i am also not sure what order these go in. Its all such a damn jumbled mess in my head. For now, i am not going to try to order them, just figure out if there is anything i HAVE to do for them.
J- This is in an okay spot. We could get along better, but it could be worse. J is always a priority and i should always strive for improvement. i can’t think of any specific goals for this.
Brad- Call gastro-interalogist, Make sure meds are filled, Call the school to discuss toileting and P.E.C.s progress.
Kami- Talk with J about when we can get her this weekend since his work schedule is all screwed up. Call her and discuss plans with both her and J’s step mom.
Career- Decide if i am going back to work now or back to school. Call Rehab services. If going back to school, fill out an application for federal financial aid. Figure out the transportation issue.
Keeping the house clean and comfortable- See if i can find faster ways to do the daily tasks because this eats up so much of my day i can’t get anything else done.
Extended family- Right now, i’ll settle for not letting them drive me apeshit. i owe Franklin a bday present and Marcie’s bday is next Thursday.

Okay, i still feel totally overwhelmed, and i need to do a lot of work with this, but i have at least made a start. i know that this post has probably been totally boring for you folks, but when i started keeping this blog up daily i let my journal go. Sometimes i just need to journal. This post was for me. It happens sometimes.

Aiyana’s Quiz

This is from Aiyana’s Attic. Here ya go sweetie, here are my answers:

What is your name? i aint telling my real name
What would you rather be called? You can call me angel
Have you ever cheated on anyone? my ex
What attracts you the most to the opposite sex? Their shoulders
What colour is your hair? Brown
Do you wear panties or jocks? No
What is your favourite food? Spaghetti.
What flavour ice cream do you like the most? Rocky Road
What is under your bed? The leaf out of my kitchen table.
What is your favourite colour? Orange
What music do you like? i like alternative rock, old country (Johnny Cash and Patsy Cline ect), stoner rock, classic rock… hell i like almost everything except disco and jazz
Do you prefer on top or the bottom? Bottom
Do you like soft or hard kisses? Both
Have you ever lied? Yes
Have you ever had sex in public? Yes
Have you ever watched anyone have sex? Yes
Did you like it? Yes, but I’d rather participate
Do you keep secrets well? Yes
What is the hardest secret you have had to hold? i just told ya i could keep a secret, silly!
Do you like kinky sex? Of course i do
Do you believe in god? i really don’t think so
Why did you do this quiz? Because Aiyana asked me to

i Get Knocked Down, But i Get Up Again

Today has been one of those days. You know, the one were you should have just kept your ass in bed. i tried really hard to remain upbeat and happy, but i don’t think i managed it very well.
J yelled at me this morning over a misunderstanding and really hurt my feelings. Then Brad had a terrible temper tantrum. Brad’s respite care worker was an hour and a half late coming to get him, making me late for my doctor’s appointment. And then my mother in law pissed me off. Ugh. The day from hell. But, it is now blissfully over and i am looking forward to a new and brighter day tomorrow. i am teaching myself to be happy and optimistic and not let one bad day throw me into a downward spiral. i need to learn to be more positive and centered if i am going to move on with my life.

J’s 100 Things

So it occurred to me today, that you guys know virtually nothing about J. So i decided to make a list of 100 things about him. i tried to put things on this list that tell you all about him, not just the ways he is perfect, but the ways he is not, which makes him even better.

1) J is handy. He can figure out how to do most anything from auto body work to webpage design.
2) J is a LOUSY carpenter, but he tries hard.
3) J is into classic cars. He owns a Chevelle.
4) J’s favorite author is Peter Robinson.
5) J has diabetes.
6) J is an only child.
7) J loves cum shots, it is his favorite kind of porn. (YUCK) J loves Chinese food, and would eat it everyday.
9) J’s favorite veggie is brussel sprouts.
10) J is an excellent cook.
11) J likes to hunt and fish, he is very much a country boy.
12) J likes alternative rock music, stuff like Nickleback and Staind
13) J is a big man, he is 6′2″.
14) J’s parents got divorced when he was 3, he doesn’t remember them ever being married.
15) J has just planted his first ever garden, he is excited about it.
16) J has to have a movie on to eat, we always eat in front of the TV.
17) J doesn’t like spaghetti unless i make it.
18) J is not afraid to cry at sad movies, he is secure in his manhood.
19) J has a beautiful mouth, soft and sensual.
20) J has only came to embrace his inner sadist within the past couple of years… Before that, he had a very hard time dealing with it.
21) J is 6 years older than me, which makes him 33.
22) J is the kind of guy who will take in my niece or my sister.
23) J tends to blow up and throw a fit when he gets angry, then get over it quickly.
24) J is a good father, and has always done his share with the parenting, from changing diapers to giving medicine.
25) J cannot swim and is afraid of water.
26) J is very forgetful, he cannot remember our daughter’s birthday, where he took his hat off, or the date the water bill is due on.
27) J is willing to listen to other people’s opinions and will sometimes even change his mind.
28) J’s nipples are extremely ticklish and he cannot stand to have them touched.
29) J doesn’t feel he has to be emotionally unavailable to be a Dominate.
30) J truly doesn’t care what others think of him, he is truly only guided by his own sense of right and wrong.
31) J does not like controversy and will avoid it if he can.
32) J’s favorite beer is Corona.
33) J works in a factory.
34) J is very reserved, it is hard to make friends with him.
35) J can admit when he is wrong, without feeling like a failure or letting it get him down or letting it make him feel less like the Master around here.
36) J cuts up his spaghetti with a knife, he refuses to twirl.
37) J has bad nosebleeds, and has since he was a child.
38) J’s relationship with his father is very strained.
39) J usually has a goatee.
40) J wears glasses, and has for as long as i have known him.
41) J tried to peek when our daughter was delivered by caesarian and saw parts of me that he very much wishes he hadn’t.
42) J drinks milk from the gallon.
43) J doesn’t smoke, and never really did beyond trying it during adolescence.
44) J will hold me after a nightmare, no matter how little sleep he has had.
45) J has Spina Bifida Occulta, which basically means he ALMOST got Spina Bifida.
46) J has a bad knee.
47) J doesn’t dance despite years of me begging him to try.
48) J can laugh at himself.
49) J is a thoughtful person who rarely makes snap judgments about anything.
50) J absolutely loves going to the movies.
51) J wears tighty whiteys or boxer briefs. He doesn’t like his equipment moving around a lot.
52) J has only been to two real concerts in his life.
53) J loves computer games, especially Diablo II.
54) J was EXTREMELY upset when Motor City Online lost its servers.
55) J is prone to depression.
56) J has no tattoos.
57) J lusts to own a Harley.
58) J once hit a parked car head on.
59) J doesn’t like crowds at all.
60) J is a cat person, although neither of us have any desire for pets since we have children.
61) J is a recovered hypochondriac, meaning he no longer has a problem, but oh boy he once did.
62) J is an excellent lover, he loves to give orgasms.
63) J doesn’t trim his pubic hair, he aint gonna start, and he doesn’t care if you don’t like it.
64) J takes care of me when i am unable to take care of myself.
65) J has not bought me flowers in about 12 years.
66) J is man enough to let me comfort him.
67) J’s favorite candy bar is a Milky Way Dark.
68) J has a subscription to Playboy.
69) J almost NEVER reads this journal.
70) J knows all the worst things i have ever done and he loves me anyway.
71) J is a terrible liar.
72) J is bad with money.
73) J is nice to my friends and family, even when he gets annoyed with them.
74) J rarely holds a grudge (unlike me) and he will forgive you if you make an effort.
75) J is a procrastinator.
76) J will watch Pump Up The Volume over and over and over.
77) J doesn’t mind watching chick flicks.
78) J has an excellent relationship with his mom.
79) J’s vehicle is a pick-up truck.
80) J has a photo album with nothing but pictures of cars in it.
81) J will take me to see a cartoon if i want to, and he indulges my Harry Potter addiction.
82) J is generous, he donates money anytime we have it.
83) J has a cruel streak, and he is finally starting to explore it.
84) J can’t draw or sing either.
85) J is not afraid to admit when he is afraid.
86) J’s favorite part of a woman is her tits.
87) J has never seen the ocean.
88) J likes to bite.
89) J is flexible, he can usually go with the flow.
90) J is adventurous when it comes to eating, he will try new things, and will make me try them too.
91) J’s favorite drink is sweet tea. (Iced tea that is, this is the American South)
92) J is a Pisces.
93) J likes to buy stuff to decorate the house with.
94) J once wrecked a car in his driveway and it burned up.
95) J will have philosophical and political discussions with me, and listen to my tirades.
96) J cannot go to the grocery store without spending WAY too much money.
97) J holds in his sneezes and one of these days i fear he will give himself an aneurysm.
98) J has a good sense of humor.
99) J never leaves the toilet lid up.
100) J must have a bar of soap; he hates to use body wash.

Monday

Well, the weekend is over. J has gone back to work, Brad has started summer school, and Polly Pedicure has surrendered his keys to the landlord, so Vanessa is here full time. i truly enjoyed the past two days of closeness and scening, and i am very sad to see it go. i don’t know how i will even have sex much less get a good beating for the foreseeable future. Our house is very small, and its very hard to get any privacy. With Vanessa here all the time, i can pretty much hang it up. i am grieving it.
Maybe J will think of something.

Tears, Sweat, and Pained Gasping; a Father’s Day Gift

So, i wanted to buy J clothes for Father’s day. He said he had something else in mind. Since i have been craving his touch, i was happy when he said he wanted to satisfy a “cruel sick fantasy” instead. i was frightened but happy.
Turns out, by our standards, it wasn’t really a “sick” fantasy, although it was rather cruel. He came and got me from the front porch, where i was reading a book. He had me come in the bedroom and he bound my wrists together before tying them over my head. We have recently moved our bedroom around and he had put the eyebolt in a new place. i don’t think its going to work there. Anyway, he tied my wrists over my head and strapped the gag into my mouth.
Then he tried to beat me with his belt. It didn’t go so well, because he didn’t have room to swing, the eyebolt is too close to the wall. Not wanting to move the eyebolt around at the moment, he pulled out the short flogger and attempted to use it on my back. He still didn’t have enough room to swing and so he used it on my legs. It was horribly painful because the lashes wrapped every time. i have marks all over my legs, no shorts for me this week.
Just as tears began to flow unchecked down my cheeks, he released me from the ceiling, although he left my wrists tied together. He guided me into the center of the bed on my knees. He began fucking my pussy, which was slippery from the beating, lucky for me. Before long at all, he pulled out and forced his cock into my ass, using only my own juices for lubrication. i screamed into the gag, and i remember feeling my eyes bulging with each ramming thrust. He used my ass as roughly as he has ever used my pussy, leaving me a hysterical mess. When he finally pumped his cum into me, i was sobbing, my face wet with tears and sweat.
i didn’t derive any pleasure from it for myself what so ever, but he seemed happy, and that made me happy. It is very hard to be his fucktoy sometimes, because i am very very horny now, and i know he will not play with me again tonight, probably not tomorrow either. my entire body is sore, if i have one it hurts. But, tonight, when he was holding me and stroking my hair and telling me that he loved me and would keep me always, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

Letting Go

So, i am still a bit shaky, but my feet are definitely on firmer ground. Last night Vanessa went to stay with Polly Pedicure and Bkid went to the drive-in with his respite care worker, finally giving J and i some blissful time to ourselves. We went to the cheap movies and saw The Day After Tomorrow, which was fantastic and i highly recommend it. Then we came home and looked at his garden. It is so adorable how proud he is of that garden. i love the pride he takes in it, and i truly hope it takes off and does well. i only hope that next year, he will let me work in the garden too.
Then, we went into the bedroom. We lay in bed and cuddled, and i was crying a bit with relief and happiness. It felt so good to lay in his warm protective arms and know unequivocally that at least for a bit, i was safe and only had to worry about doing exactly what he said to do. i don’t think he saw me crying, to took great pains to hide it, because he would have seen my tears as a problem, and i was so happy.
When he began to run his fingers between my legs i stiffened, i wanted to please him, but i felt very shy suddenly. Fortunately, J rarely pays much attention to my bashfulness. He demanded that i part my legs, and when i refused to comply, he began to count down from 5. i immediately gave in and let my legs fall open, trembling a bit and blushing furiously.
He stroked me until at last i began to moisten and then let me give him a blowjob. Have i mentioned here how much i absolutely love to suck cock? i have a hard time with having my throat fucked, but when he lets me do it, lets me service him i am in heaven.
Way before i was ready to stop he buried his hand in the back of my hair and jerked me up, putting me on my knees. He entered me hard and fast, in the way he knows is most painful for me. It took several minutes for my body to adjust, and just as i began to get into it, the telephone rang.
Since Brad wasn’t at home, he decided to let me answer it, because i worry so much. It was a family member, and i spent about 5 minutes trying to disentangle myself from the conversation. J walked out of the bedroom and looked at me, cock trembling with need and glistening with the juices from my sex, and i gave up trying to be polite, and bluntly said, i have to go.
When i hung up the phone, he commanded “suck.” i dropped to my knees and crawled to him. Soon i had his cock buried deep in my throat, bobbing up and down on it, the scent of my own sex enveloping me. After only a few minutes he pulled away from me and told me to crawl into the bedroom. As i climbed on the bed, he smacked my ass.
Then he was in me again. He used me in his three favorite positions, letting me have about 4 orgasms in the process. Finally, i was back on my knees and he was still, having me fuck him, instead. He dug his fingers painfully into my hips and i could hear his indrawn breath as he came in a gush.
Afterwards, he lay on the bed and held me. Reassuring me that all was well, that i was safe, and that he would take care of me. i felt wonderful, and i finally began to relax the iron grip i have had on myself for the past week. i let myself draw comfort and strength from him, and told him about the frustration, exhaustion, and terror that had plagued me all week. It felt like i was laying down some unbearable burden.