True Romance

J and i had a fight today. A really really bad fight. The kind that it takes a while to get over. And, tomorrow is our anniversary. i can see now it is going to suck. J is going with a friend to a city 4 hours away in the morning. How romantic huh?
i am hurt and confused. i am also exhausted. i will try to get back to this tomorrow… but may not be able to. i may be away for a few days. i don’t know… everything is up in the air.

Getting Help

Okay, nothing has happened, and everything has happened. i finally quit running from it, and admitted to myself that i have to deal with all this nutsyness before it gets anymore out of hand. So i called up my shrink, apologized for bailing on him, and begged him to let me come back. He did.
i have gone back on some medication, which i am still adjusting to. So far, it hasn’t helped one whit. But, of course it can’t, because these types of meds have to build up over the course of several weeks. So far, its been less than a week, and i am still overwhelmed by all the symptoms. Some days i fear i won’t make it until the stuff starts working. So far, the side effects are mild. i am starting another med on Wednesday to use in conjunction with what i am taking now. i like this system of adding one medication at a time. Every other shrink i have ever gone to has piled on the pills at the very beginning. Giving me high doses of tons of shit, and frankly, i wind up just feeling like a numb zombie. Hence, i never want to take my medicine. This doctor is different. i love that.
He also told me, that i have got to go back to therapy and work on processing all this nasty junk. He said that the symptoms can be helped by the medication but until their root cause is dealt with, the will never ever go away. Bummer. Yuck. i hate therapy, hate it with a damn passion. i have done it all. Art therapy, group therapy, hypno-therapy, talk therapy, psycho-drama. All of it hurts. But, enough whining, do what needs to be done. So i took his list of recommended therapists, compared it with my list of insurance accepting therapists, and came up with a short list of possibilities. i am trying out my first choice on Wednesday. i’m really lucky to have come up with someone, because the pissy assed little town i live in is horribly short on mental health services.
So there is the update on the mental health front.
J and i have no privacy so i have not gotten a good swatting in a while. Our anniversary is on Monday. We will have been married 7 years. The plan was to go to the beach, but some things we were counting on fell through, so we can’t go. i’m not sure what we are going to do, but we are going to get some private time together come hell or high water.
In summary, i have gotten loopy again and i’m not getting laid regularly or getting beaten at all… does anyone else see the connection here?

Long Dead Issues That Just Won’t Rest

i read a post over at rg’s the other day, that really made me think. i sent her an email, and to my surprise, she posted my comment, despite the fact it is disgusting. i have been thinking and thinking about this. Its been a bit like a pop song that gets stuck in your head and you can’t get it out.
i have had countless hours of therapy, that was, frankly, not all that damn helpful. i have been so stupid throughout my life, making the same dumb mistakes over and over. The fact is, i think a lot of the reason is i have never really dealt with this very issue. It is much easier to move on and put out fires and work on issues i can resolve.
The cold hard truth of the matter is i have never really moved on. i am still trying to find a way to make my father love me, and i am still punishing myself for my grandfather. What the fuck is wrong with me? Even bigger… how the hell do i stop it?

The Key Players

J- My wonderful husband. This man is every male figure i need or want in my life. Master, friend, Daddy, lover, guidance counselor and anything else you can think of.

Brad- My oldest child. He has autism, and is a bit of a challenge, but very rewarding and worth every bit of trouble. Owner of the world’s most beautiful smile.

Kami- My daughter. She is the cutest, most wonderful little girl on the planet, and no, i am not biased.

Vanessa- My sister. She is 11 years older than me. She has bipolar disorder and struggles. She is my best friend and probably my biggest source of support outside of J. My best friend.

Hostetter- Vanessa’s husband. Total asshole if you are not in the circle of his love, but i have now made it into this place. He is very good to me, my husband, and my children. i love him very much.

Iris- Vanessa’s oldest daughter. She is very dear to me. Beautiful, alcoholic, adventurer.

Andy- Iris’s “adopted” son.

Danny- Iris’s live in boyfriend. They are very serious.

Jenny- Vanessa’s youngest daughter. She is a very complicated and angst ridden kid.

Elvin- Jenny’s baby.

Gary- Jenny’s likable but totally useless little shit boyfriend who lives with her and sponges off of her.

Marcie- My sister. She is 14 years older than me. She is married to the world’s biggest dickhead.

Goofy- The world’s biggest dick head… he also happens to be married to Marcie.

Franklin- Marcie’s oldest son. Bright, sweet, tragically lost. Has lots of potential but is being ruined by his parents.

Carrie- Franklin’s livin 18 year old girlfriend who just won’t get a job and do shit.

HotRod- Marcie’s youngest son. Mischievous but still a sweetie. Will tear down your house in two seconds flat, but grin at you in such a way that you cannot help but fall in love with him all over again.

Trina- my best friend outside the family. Her oldest son is also autistic.

Fallen

Today i fell down. Down, down, down the dark well. Now i have to pick myself up again. It makes me tired to think about.

Compromise

i hate being crazy. Hate it! Detest it. i am so damn sick of it. Why can’t things ever just smooth out. Lately i despair that i will never be able to live a productive life again. The thought makes me ill. i don’t want to be a burden to J, i want to be his helpmate… his partner. i am losing time again. J says that the fact of the matter is, even if i don’t want to face it, i may just have to go back on some medications.
Being medicated seems like a failure to me, but i suppose lots of productive people have to be on them. i guess it is just that i wanted to be free of this. Free of the hold that the destructive forces in my life have had over me. But, i guess the sad truth is that is not to be… at least not at this time. But, i suppose if some medication can give me the secure base to move forward with my life like i want to, its a small price to pay.
i am very lonely for J. We haven’t had much private time together lately and i am craving him. His smile, his touch, his cock, his belt, his cum. My nipples tingle for twists and slaps, the sensitive skin on my inner thighs long for cruel licks of his belt. *sigh*

Holding On

i’m still holding it together. Somehow… i don’t know how. i am very seriously considering calling the doc up and asking for a PRN to take when things are out of control like this. i hate to go back on meds… but you gotta do what you gotta do.
i can’t write much now because Vanessa is here, and peeking over my shoulder every time she comes through, so i will only say, J was able to comfort me a bit last night after Brad went to sleep and before Vanessa got home. It had to be done quietly, so i have no marks left today (dammit) but it was a little bit of help.
Hopefully something will work out soon.

Whale Alert

J and i spent much of today looking at hotels together. We are finally going away. In two weeks. Our wedding anniversary is the 26th… 7 years and we never took a honeymoon, nor have we ever gone on vacation together. In fact, J has never been on a vacation in his life, period.
So we are taking one. i think we are going to the beach. J has never seen the ocean. i am pretty excited about it. However, i don’t much want to go to the beach. i wish he would go anywhere else. i am much too fat to wear the kind of clothes you wear at the beach. Yuck. Someone will harpoon me. Ugh. But, i know the chances of me getting him to change his mind and go anywhere else are absolutely zero, so i will just have to take my whale ass there and hope not to be mistaken for Moby Dick.
i am tired, and i’m not looking forward to this week much at all. i feel very flat and hopeless and down for some reason. i don’t know what’s wrong with me… i don’t have my period and there isn’t anything really wrong. Maybe i am just stressed. Marcie is still moving and i’m still having to help. We weren’t able to get Kami this weekend, and that makes me feel like a total asshole, even though it was unavoidable. Vanessa is back and sulking around the house, pissing and moaning about not wanting to follow the diet. i wish i could just find a little peace.
Here’s hoping you folks are having a better day than me.

Unraveling

i am unraveling. i am always on the verge of tears and i cringe at every loud noise. i cannot sleep and i’ve been hearing things. Damn.
i need J. i need time alone with him to try to sort through this. i need it desperately. And, i’m not going to get it… no time soon.
i’ve lost my credit card, my disability check has not came and isn’t coming until some arcane bit of paperwork is done, and we don’t even have diapers for Brad. i’m scared, i’m tired, and i’m angry and resentful. Why the hell can’t Vanessa ever leave when i need her to? Why the hell can’t the time for her to be gone and the time Brad is gone EVER fucking coordinate???
Tomorrow Brad will be here, so we cannot work on these issues then, Wednesday i am supposed to go to Danville with my friend Trina, so i will be gone all evening. J has told her i can go, so i cannot wiggle out of it. Dammit.
i need J. Dammit, its not optional i NEED him. ARGH!

Dammit

Fucking Vanessa. i am so damned annoyed. Brad spent the entire day with his respite care worker and J got off early. Should have been the perfect day for snuggling, fucking, and beatings, huh? Oh hell no. Vanessa wouldn’t get her ass in gear so she could be ready when Polly Pedicure came to pick her up. Now she is gone for the weekend… Staying in a hotel sans kids for two whole nights, and i am here frustrated and with no privacy for the weekend. DAMMIT to hell!!! i am so angry.
As if that wasn’t bad enough Brad’s respite care worker let him nap from 3 until 6!! Now he’ll be up all damn night, and guess who’ll be up with him? Bingo, me. Dammit.
i still feel like shit and i have to help Marcie move tomorrow… What a wonderful weekend this is turning out to be. i could have dealt with the rest of it if i could have had my J fix… But now, who knows when i’ll get any. Dammit.