Love’s Garden

my insomnia has kicked into high gear, and so i have been thinking crazy sleep deprived thoughts about tears and and that old cliché about it taking rain to make anything grow. You see, i have this block. i have a really really hard time crying.
i feel that tight feeling in my chest, i want to cry, my eyes sting, and my throat clenches. But, nothing. i cannot cry. Its terrible… i never get that relief. my cheeks remain dry and all that emotional thorniness stays locked in my body.
i think of all the types of tears i used to cry. We’ll dismiss most of them, and only think of the ones i cried for J. Tears of rejection, relief, pain, joy, fear, loneliness, inadequacy, compassion, longing, and exhaustion traced their way down my cheeks in respect to J. And, our love blossomed. We wiped the wetness from one another’s faces and knew the depth of our connection.
But, now… there is no moisture. No salty substance that witnesses the breadth of my feelings. Does this mean our relationship is doomed to wither?

Melancholy

There is no sex in this post, and it is just depressing, read at your own risk… you have been warned.
i feel like i just can’t stand to face another day. i have finally gotten to the bottom of my headache. According to the ER doc, i have been stressed for so long, the muscles in my head have contracted to the point of pinching the nerves in my head. He says i need to go to a pain clinic. He put four shots in my head and it gave me about a teaspoons worth of relief. He says i need many more than that. i am not much looking forward to the treatment, it is not unbearably painful, but feels absolutely disgusting. However it would be good for it to stop hurting, even for only five minutes. i am going Wednesday to my family doc to get a referral to the pain clinic.
my overall health is pretty bad, and he says it is all stress related. In the past month i have broken off two teeth grinding them. Thank goodness they were back ones and it doesn’t show, but my lips are lacerated. my blood pressure is also astonishingly bad. i am a stroke waiting for a place to happen. When i was at the hospital Saturday morning it was 227/135. It has never been that bad, not even when i was eclamptic with Brad. And, my heart is skipping beats and stopping all together for up to twelve seconds at a time. Finally, my jaw has reached the point, i don’t think i will be able to put off surgery much longer. It was broken years ago, and i didn’t receive proper medical care. It needs to be rebroken and wired shut. It has hurt me for years, but i’ve always put it off. Now, having been grinding my teeth so much lately, the pain in nearly unbearable. In short, the doc says i am on the express bus to an early grave if i don’t get a handle on my life.
So what the hell is so bad? Well, in a word, everything. Things are a mess with Kami. i don’t get to see her nearly as much as i would like and i am in a fit of worry about her all the time. Her grandparents are on this kick lately of not wanting to let us see her, and so they go to great lengths to keep us apart. It all goes back to a day about two months ago when Kami said i was her favorite, in front of my stepmother in law. *sigh* i don’t know what the fuck i’m going to do about this… but i know for sure, i will never give up and go away. That is my daughter. i love her more than life itself. i would give anything to just bring her home. Anything.
Then there is Brad. He is sick somehow. He has been throwing up everything he eats. He has an eating disorder anyway. He cannot chew nor will he eat things of more than three colors. He is losing weight, and is basically not very happy right now. Tantrums are common, and he is just not the smiling happy baby he has always been. My heart aches knowing there is something wrong and not knowing how to fix it. i am taking him to the specialist in the morning, but i don’t know how the hell i will afford whatever medications he prescribes… and god help me if he orders a special diet… Brad won’t eat it.
Then there is the money. Everyday i go to the mailbox and collect a couple of turn off notices. We need a new hot water heater and the truck needs to go in the shop. We are only half a step ahead of losing a utility. i cannot afford to keep my medications filled. i have to borrow money to pay back money i’ve borrowed. i feel sick just thinking about it.
But, worst of all, is J. He doesn’t talk to me beyond telling me what he wants for supper and inquiring after our children. Or we fight. He is moody and unpredictable, snapping over every little thing. Sex has become a rare thing (which i’m sure you guys have noticed) and even then there is rarely any intimacy between us. The minute he is through he is up and gone. After reaching an epiphany while reading Sarah last night i talked to him. He acted as though he understood and want to try to reconnect. Then, he spent all night tonight playing Warcraft, and basically refusing to even speak with me. i am at the end of my wits. i cannot help but hold myself apart from him. He always hurts me. He breaks my heart. i cannot think where i went wrong, or how to fix it, but he does not see me anymore. i don’t know how to make him see me. i have become a ghost.
i can read back over the last 9 months of my blog, and see that i have been happy. i just do not begin to know how to reclaim that.

An Ode to Watersports

Blogger is pissing me off. It just ate my post. Dammit.
To recap…

my website is driving me mad.

J is not fucking me, he is working overtime galore. He said he wanted to scene the other night, but got caught up playing starcraft. In the end, he had me lap water out of a bowl in the floor and pissed in my mouth before saying fuck it and going to bed. i was not impressed, but managed to keep from bitching as i brushed my teeth and thought dire thoughts about him.

Money is still tight. Extremely tight, but we may squeak by with the help of this overtime.

My head still hurts.

There it is, the bear bones of what i just set out to say. Someone should piss on blogger is what i think.

D/s in Entertainment

So, i don’t know if i have mentioned this before, but the movie Swept Away is HOT. i always enjoy finding movies, music or books that has a D/s flavor. This movie has more than “flavor.” Its a D/s movie. Very much so. The submission is forced at first, but she (of course) blossoms in her humbled state and decides she loves him and is more happy than she has ever been in her life. It is beautiful. i didn’t like the ending a whit, but i won’t give it away here because you simply must watch this movie. J and i bought it. Every time i see it, my pussy clenches.
Another thing i found interesting is that the movie is the brainchild of Madonna’s husband, Guy Ritchie. It makes me wonder what goes on in their home, you know? It would be wonderful if someone as mainstream as Madonna was openly in the lifestyle. But, you know, people would probably just dismiss her, call her a deranged slut (again) and move on. *sigh*
i also like to burn cds to scene by. Has there ever been a more powerful song of dominance than “Under My Thumb” by the Rolling Stones? It doesn’t go very well with the songs by Nine Inch Nails (“…bow down before the one you serve, you’re going to get what you deserve” Lord i love Trent Raznor) and Nirvana, but somehow it fits there just the same. And they bring back such delightful memories of J and i in intimate embrace that they always bring a smile to my face when i play them in the car or while cleaning the house.
So what about you guys? Anybody got a favorite D/s book (mine is the beauty trilogy, but i’m always up for a new one) movie, or song? Please share!

Rambling Analysis

When i was very young, my mother was told that i would almost certainly never marry, and that i could never have a child. She relayed these depressing speculations to me with tears in her eyes a few years later. She informed me in a broken voice i still hear very plain after all these years that “the act of love will only be an agonizing ordeal for you, and no man will have you when you won’t accept him in your bed.”
i enjoyed great freedom in my teenage years (to my detriment, it turned out, but that’s another story) because my parents thought i’d never want to fuck anyone. For many years J was looked on as a saint in my family. They were all quiet sure i could not be intimate with him and yet, year after year he continued to love me and treat me with great tenderness and had obvious joy in me. When i had my first miscarriage they all viewed him with ill-disguised horror, sure he had forced himself on me. As my family came to know me better, they began to realize i was bedded frequently, and did not mind that happening. Their horror in J receded, and they apparently breathed a sigh of relief, deciding the doctors had been wrong.
But they weren’t. Sex is, and has always been painful for me. There are no exceptions, the only orifice i can accept cock in without pain is my mouth. And, with my jaw having been broken most times that hurts as well. i just learned to enjoy the pain. Or i naturally enjoy it… we’ll have the nature vs. Nurture discussion someday, but i’m on this ramble for now. At any rate, it hurts, in some ways i do hate it, especially if i am not in the mood. But, the most of me craves it, needs it, and obsesses about it. J has always called me a nympho.
A lot of that, though, started with J. The first time he fucked me, i really didn’t know him all that well. i lay crying under him, dizzy with lust, fear, pain, shame, ect. and waited to see if he was a “Smacker” or a “Runner.” These were the only two kinds of men i had met at that point. Every guy i had willingly spread my legs for, had one of two reactions to my obvious pain in their amours advances. Anger or fearful apology closely followed by retreat and strained relations. J did neither. He ran his fingertips softly over my tear-stained cheeks and looked into my eyes.
Neither withdrawing nor thrusting, he said, with wonder, “I’m hurting you really bad, huh?” i didn’t answer, afraid if i said yes he would pull away, and i didn’t want him to. i wanted to be used, i wanted to fuck, i hated myself for it, but i did. At the same time, those blue eyes demanded the truth from me so neither could i lie. i lay there, staring up at him. Then he said the most wonderful things… going a long way to winning my lifelong devotion right then and there.
He asked me if i wanted him to stop… not in the angry tones i had heard before, but in simple curiosity, tinged with wonder. i shook my head no, my face flaming with humiliation, but he didn’t make fun of me, or misunderstand the gesture. He understood. Smoothing my hair from my face, he said, in the tones of a man discovering gold, “you like it to hurt, don’t you?” i couldn’t answer, but turned my flaming face away, burying it in his shoulder as i arched my hips up in invitation. He thrust hard, drawing a cry midway between agony and ecstasy from me, and i thrust my hips up again, inviting him back. He smoothed my hair from my face again, and whispered, “Goddamn, that’s hot.” He dismissed further conversation and rode me hard and a long time, drawing three or four orgasms from me, delighting in the paradox he had found.
This, finally, i know, brings us to last night. Foreplay is completely optional for J, and so he rarely bothers with it. The pain for me isn’t that much worse, but the experience often is. If i am not in the mood, pain isn’t exciting usually, it just hurts. Sometimes J enjoys that, and i enjoy his enjoyment. However he often skimps on the foreplay not in an effort to make me miserable, but because he just doesn’t think about it. So sometimes i can go a rather long while without having really enjoyable sex.
But, last night… J was feeling nice and OMG! Its amazing what 20+ orgasms in a 30 minute time frame will do for you. Let us just say, my mood is much improved!

The Summons

J and i have been sleeping in separate beds ever since Vanessa moved out. Brad insists on sleeping with his daddy and since i haven’t been taking my sleeping pills i can’t sleep with all three of us in there. Tonight J has ordered me back to his bed.
i am actually really really happy about this, since i miss sleeping with J desperately. i don’t know exactly how we are going to manage this, but he says we’ll find a way. So tonight is my last night in my solitary bed. Tomorrow night, i will be back in J’s. i know i will sleep sooo much better, if Brad doesn’t kick me to death, because i don’t have as many nightmares when i sleep with J. i just hope we find a way to make it work. Maybe this is the beginning of things getting better for us?

Getting Reacquainted

i got some. Finally. Whooo hooo! J and i were watching Saving Private Ryan tonight. It was the first time i have seen it, because i knew it would upset me when it came out so i didn’t watch it. Now that i know Brad is autistic and will NEVER be drafted (see i can look on the bright side) i was able to watch it. It was a fantastic movie, and still jerked at all my heartstrings.
In the middle i had to go pee, so we paused the movie. When i came back to the living room J commanded me to get on my knees. Before i knew it, i was blissfully sucking his cock. i have so missed his beautiful cock. i closed my eyes and savored the feel of his skin against my face, breathing in his scent. i let my tongue travel to his balls and lingered there, just loving the feel of his dick twitching against my cheek as i licked and sucked. By the time he finally let it slide into my mouth i was so hungry for him i forced the entire length down my throat and simply held it there a moment, humming lightly, savoring the taste. Then his hands where buried in my hair (very painfully, my poor head is still aching fit to split) and he was jerking me up and down the length of his shaft. i could only moan and hum, my head killing me, but so thrilled to be in close contact with his cock again, that i was not about to complain. Finally he let my hair go and i settled down to bob, stroke and tongue him. Way before i was ready to relinquish my treat, he pulled me up from his cock and sent me to the bedroom, voicing threats as to how hard he was going to use my cunt as he followed me. To my delight he put me back on my knees and allowed me to worship his cock with my mouth for a bit longer before ordering me to the bed.
He then used me hard. Fucking me without mercy as i screamed in pain and pleasure. i came countless times, and at length, felt him pump a massive amount of cum into me doggy style. i am sore, but oh so much happier.
Money is still a major problem, my head is still killing me, and i am still worried about a lot of things, but, my outlook on life is so much better. i really really needed to be used. It reminds me that J is in charge around here, and i should just do my best to do what he tells me. He will solve these problems, he always does. i only have to be there for him.

Dull

Well, i have gotten the results of all my tests. The end result is that this monstrous headache is a tension headache. It will not go away unless i either reduce the stress in my life or find some way to cope with it. Oh fucking terrific. My head feels like it will split, and finding out that there isn’t a damn thing to be done about it, did not make me feel much better. So, i suppose i’ll pack myself back off to the doc and beg for some stronger crazy pills, yuck. i do NOT want to go back to being stoned out of my mind all the damn time. i can’t stand the headache all the time either, so i don’t know what the hell i’m gonna do.
J and i are getting along somewhat better. We still haven’t been very active in the bedroom, due to massive amounts of stress in both of our lives. Money is tight (what else is new, huh?) and lots of other stuff that just makes us both feel less than sexy. But, we are gonna try to get it on tomorrow and then go get Kami and spend some time with her. Both would be wonderful.
i know this journal is a bit dull lately, but my life is just a jumble of yuck right now. i’m sure we’ll get it sorted soon, and things will improve. i’m looking forward to the end of 2004. All in all it hasn’t been the best year. i just know 2005 will be better.

A couple of LOUSY weeks

Sorry folks. i know it has been a long time since i posted. my life is just all twisty and upside down right now. J and i fight more than we fuck, (i know, its depressing) and i’ve have some health problems. i kept thinking, as soon as some of this straightens out, i’ll post. But, i see now, that’s no good. Who knows when things will straighten out.
i don’t know what is going on with J & i. We both seem to be at the end of our wits and easily ruffled. my feelings are always hurt and i am always on the verge of tears. However, J is irritable and ready to snap and lash out over the slightest little thing. i’ll leave it to your imagination to figure how these emotional states are feeding off of one another and wreaking havoc on our household. Alas, i don’t know what to do about it. i can’t seem to stop myself from being upset. The xanex aint cutting it. Blah.
i am having really horrible headaches. Actually one headache, that has lasted a month straight. Its unbearable. I’ve been to the ER 3 times, but so far have had no luck in banishing it. i go to the doctor on Monday and i’m going to have tests run for everything i can think of. i can’t stand this much longer, and being in never and never land on morphine all the time is not my idea of a life. Plus it makes me itch.
*sigh*
i’ll try to do better about posting