The Road to Forgiveness

So, i would like to say that our fight ended last night and we got up this morning and were restored to our senses. This was not the case. By this morning, after a night spent physically uncomfortable, emotionally distraught, and more or less sleepless i started the day in a foul frame of mind. J apparently didn’t sleep any better than i did either… he was in a bad mood too.
To make a long story short we both acted like complete assholes. i actually told J to shut up at one point, something i have never done before. And for his part he lost his temper (over something different and fairly minor) and whacked me with the spatula so hard it broke. Needless to say, neither of us are very proud of the way we acted. All this culminated in him giving me my walking papers. He released me.
He didn’t intend to divorce me or anything, but he wanted to try a vanilla life again. i believe that i’ve mentioned in the past that we tried this once before. The word disaster doesn’t even begin to describe what a total balls up that experiment turned out to be. i was beside myself with grief, fear and worry. i knew ultimately it would be the end of our relationship.
So i was in bed sobbing into my pillow and he was laying beside me about ready to sob into his i think. Finally, he took me into his arms and we talked. We decided that blame had to be set aside. i cannot go on holding myself away from him, for fear that he will shred my heart again. He cannot hold my past skittishness and fear against me. We must must start fresh. He decided that he couldn’t bear the idea of a celibate, miserable (read vanilla) existence either. He put my slave ring back on my finger, and said we’d try again.
Now don’t get the idea that he was threatening me with the release. i think he honestly thought he was doing the right thing at the time. He just thought better of it. A man who can’t admit he’s made a mistake isn’t much of a man in my opinion. And, whatever faults J may have, that isn’t one of them. He is a man. An honorable, loving, thoughtful, and dedicated man. my man. The one who loves me despite my faults.
After we hammered out the terms of our reunion he grabbed the flogger again and had me stand up for it. i was crying, figuring this to be the punishment for my idiocy that would buy me redemption. So the licks hurt worse than usual, because i was not allowing myself to enjoy them, taking them in the spirit of punishment. Then he put his arms around me and kissed me.
“angel, I’m not punishing you. No walls, no blame. Its just a scene.” He said.
It was as though he had flicked a switch. i did enjoy the strokes of the flogger. It bit into me and still left fiery agony in its wake, but it was blissful. After a really good beating which left me in tears, he took me to bed and fucked me without mercy. Mostly on my knees so he could continue to flog my back. i came and came lost in the emotional release. Finally he pulled out and came all over me, really marking me as his. i usually hate to be cum on, but not this time, this time i was content to wear it a bit. Then he cleaned me up gently and tucked me into bed for a much needed nap.
Alls well that ends well. i am loved. He is loved. What else matters?

Reassurance?

Well, blech. J and i had a long talk tonight about me, him, our life together, and our obstacles and how to overcome them. i finally asked him for a beating, because i was feeling emotional, and upset… and somehow just less than, and a good cathartic beating always makes me feel better.
That wasn’t what happened. What happened was, i got lectured about the state of our house before he started a really rather intense flogging that was just miserable to endure. It was followed up by me making the bed for him to get in it, without so much as a cuddle or a kiss. He doesn’t seem to understand now why i am upset. And, i can’t articulate it to him, because i just start crying.
i feel… betrayed. i asked him for a beating. He didn’t decide that i needed to be punished over the state of our house and drag me in there for a good dose of act right. That i could accept, understand, and be thankful for. i felt miserable and low and my heart was aching, and i asked for his help. And, he turned it against me. And made me feel worse. And, then didn’t even hold and comfort me, just sent me out to get his clean sheets and make his bed.
i feel so low now, i can’t even cry. my heart hurts too bad to cry. i guess i’ll go clean the house so that when he gets up in the morning it will be done.

ps… Why is it that my stupid cunt got wet even though i hated every minute of that and did not feel even the slightest bit of desire?

pps… Please don’t tell me what a whiney cunt i am. i know it. If a girl can’t whine to her own journal… where can she whine? my heart hurts, and i had to do something before i exploded.

The Thanksgiving Holiday

After all that bitching… i actually had a very nice Thanksgiving. My family got together and ate like pigs, laughed and talked. No drama, no fighting, no trouble with those folks at all this year for a change. Now… i am going to have to absolutely kick the hell out of J’s dad and stepmother… because i didn’t get to see Kami. Dammit! She was supposed to eat early there, then be picked up by J, come eat with us, spend the night, and go day after Thanksgiving shopping with me. We were supposed to meet up with J’s stepmom at Wally World so she could go back to their house and i could shop for her.
But… the assholes were not home. They did not follow our agreement, and i am super duper pissed about it. i’m seriously considering hauling their asses in to court for breaking our agreement. i want Kami to move home as soon as we are able to care for her anyway, and it would be good to let the courts know what a pain in the ass her grandparents are. i don’t know. i still haven’t spoken with them… so maybe they have a damn good excuse… like they were kidnapped by aliens and anal probed or something. i’m trying to reign in my temper til we talk, but i’m having a very hard time. Since we get her Christmas Eve and they get her Christmas day… i’m wondering how they’d like it if i turned the tables on them and not give her back for their holiday! GRRR
i am completely worn out. Day after Thanksgiving shopping is a tradition in my family. It is a rite of passage for the girls in my family started by my mother. Now that she is gone, we keep the tradition alive by continuing to go every year, come hell or high water. So, 5 this morning saw me, Marcie, Vanessa, Jenny and Marcie’s friend Brenda at Wally World, fighting the crowds and getting our shopping done. i got a lot accomplished today. All of Brad and Kami’s Christmas is either purchased or laid away and i got a good start on the rest of my list. But, after 8 stores, 12 hours and two near fights, i am very tired.
The worst of that is that i never wear shoes. Seriously, never, not even in the winter. i keep a pair in the truck so i can throw them on to run in a store, but other than that, i shun the things completely. Wearing them for 12 hours has played hell on my feet, which look like hamburger due to blisters that have popped and bled. Yuck. i am limping and i have a feeling i’ll be limping for a few days.
J had to work today, a 12-hour shift. So he finally rolled in this evening and we were both just exhausted. We had leftovers for dinner and then laid down and cuddled together. J ended up using me, but it was very one sided, with him just jumping on and thrusting away to the accompaniment of my tears. i guess he was too tired to be generous, and i was soo tired the pain seemed unbearable. But, he finished up finally, then snuggled with me and spanked my ass pretty damn hard, leaving it fire engine red… which gave me a nice release from pent up anxiety of the day.
He’s in bed now, and i am about to join him.

They Call Me Ebenezer

Yuck. i don’t want to do it. i want to say no! No Thanksgiving, no Christmas. Fuck it. Shopping, cooking, wrapping, stressing… no thanks. No decorating, no stupid family gatherings, no mushing around in the snow to take presents i can’t afford to people i don’t like. No vacuuming up pine needles for a month, no turkey leftovers for two weeks and no buying of batteries that will not fit my vibrator. No obligatory yearly fight with my asshole father in law, no having to get dressed up, and no guilt because i have no change to give the salvation army bell ringers. No looking at the kid’s names left on the angel tree when its too late to think they are gonna get picked, and knowing i don’t have the money to buy for them. No reading “The Little Match Girl” and crying. No thanks, lets skip to the New Year, and maybe next year i’ll feel like fooling with some of this shit.
Bah Humbug!

Yes, yes, yes… NO!

So, i’ve been thinking. Why is it that i want a spanking, i need a spanking, i simply MUST have a spanking… until J is about to spank me. Then i am terrified and will say and do anything to avoid it. Now, i rarely do avoid it once he has made up his mind to do it… but occasionally i do. Am i happy then? NO! Then i am disappointed and disgusted with myself.
So what the hell is wrong with me? Is it cowardice? Is it a self-hating thing? What? i have no idea, but i wish i could stop it.
Do other people have this problem?

Tightening the Reigns

So, i had gotten pretty damn depressed lately. Downright icky. And, so, J has decided i need reigning in. He is quite right, i thrive under conditions of fairly tight control, and tend to wilt with too much freedom. So i have spent the past two days getting very well reacquainted with just what a bastard J can be when he puts his mind to it.
Today he had me lay on the bed beside him on my tummy, and i was whining and crying about not wanting a spanking. i was scared of the pain, and feeling emotional, and just plain not ready. He began with his hand but he was hitting me really really hard. i was totally unprepared, and i did not handle it well at all. i was squirming away, and my hands kept flying back to protect my butt.
He was not having it. He threw his leg over me to hold me down and whipped my ass until his hand started to really throb. By this time i was crying, and pretty much a hysterical mess. He demanded i get the paddle. Now, you would think i would have had enough sense to see that he meant to do it, and that resistance was futile… but i’m sad to say, i did not just go get the damn paddle. Why do i do these things?
i began to plead again. “Please, honey, i just can’t stand it, please give me a minute, please, please and please.”
Needless to say, J wasn’t impressed. He sighed, and told me in his most stern voice that i was not obeying and that i had better just get the fucking paddle. i may be dumb sometimes, but not a total idiot, i shut up and got it for him. i struggled with myself again when i lay down beside him. i was completely convinced that i couldn’t stand it. That the pain was unbearable, and i would simply die if he paddled me. i lay down very reluctantly but screamed and thrashed away with the first stroke.
J sighed again. He threw his leg over me and absolutely wore my ass out with the paddle. Each stroke felt like molten fire on my ass and before i could recover from one the next was upon me. He was careful to strike in the same two spots repeatedly, maximizing the agony. Finally, the pain reached a fever pitch and i gave into it. i was able to lay still and quit fighting, every stroke still an exercise in endurance, but now a welcome torture. i felt the fear and worry slipping from me as i gave into J’s ministrations. It went on way past when i felt it would stop, but by the time he finally did, i didn’t want him to. i felt worn out and i was hurting so badly that when he ran his hand gently over my ass i felt like screaming. my nose was clogged from crying and my throat raw from screaming, but i felt about a thousand times better.
He then announced that he was not happy about my disobedience (big surprise there huh?) and that he had let me get whiney by not beating me more frequently. i didn’t much like the direction this conversation was going in, but i was having trouble thinking. Suddenly without warning he jammed his unlubbed fingers into my ass, making me howl.
“This is what happens to whiney girls,” he informed me, twisting his fingers in me cruelly. It felt as though i were being ripped apart, but i was back under his thumb by then and i did not protest, squirm or whine. i parted my legs a bit farther, and then lay there, enduring my punishment. He used his fingers to torture me a bit farther, then picked up the paddle and gave me a few more licks, which i lay still for.
Then he threw the paddle aside and cuddled me close. While he told me how much he loved me, and reassured me that he would take care of me, i felt the last of the weight of fear and unhappiness slide from my shoulders, and i snuggled closer to him.
i am still very sore… but i am very happy to be back on the short reign.

Guest Post

Okay, this is a special, never heard of before, probably never to be repeated treat! J made a post for this site!!! So, no update from me today, i think if you read this, you won’t need a post for me to tell you, things are better!

20 Things I love about my wife.

1. She is the smartest person I know or have ever known.
2. I love that she can cum over and over.
3. She is a Great mom even if she doesn’t know it.
4. She stuck with me through 2000 and doesn’t hold it against me.
5. I know I can always trust, and count on her.
6. She is really a good person, the real thing. It’s really hard to believe she thinks that she is bad.
7. She has a really odd shaped mouth but its something I’m really drawn to.
8. She is the most unselfish person I know.
9. She is my damsel in distress. It has always been a Huge turn on.
10. The first night we met she had such a glow to her it’s the only way I can describe it.
I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. Sure she had a great ass and nice tits. But there was something else. I’m not really sure what it was. Maybe it was just love at first sight.
11. She introduced me to my dominant side, not really that, but to the kinky aspects of it. aka the toys and such.
12. I’ve been in love before but I’ve never felt a connection to anyone like I have to her.
13. I see the glow rekindled in her when she’s not so depressed.
14. This is kind of off the subject but I know she had such a hard life I try really hard to make her life better though it rarely happens.
15. She is a great lay.
16. She makes it all right to think and do the kinky things that shame me.
17. She has stories that make me feel sad, horny, mad, and ashamed at the same time.
18. She thinks of me anytime she does anything for her self.
19. She brags about me on her blog.
20. She tries hard to win my love although she has always had it.

I hope you realize how much I love you. I need you and want you around for a lot longer. I hope you feel better and get everything out of life you want. I will always be here for you, I know you don’t always feel that way but you can count on it. Life will someday get better for us. I’m really trying hard and it will happen for us. You have a family and husband that loves you. And always will.
Love J

20 Ways J Makes me Happy

With all the bitching i’ve been doing lately, i thought i’d say something positive for once… so i whipped up this list of 20 things about J that make me blissfully happy:
1) J has the most wonderful ability to make me laugh. When things seem to be unbearable, he can make me laugh about it, and realize, eventually, things will be okay again.
2) J can’t sing at all, but he does so, loudly, and doesn’t give a damn who hears him.
3) Even at 33, 6′2″ and 260lbs J still looks like an overgrown kid, and is one of the cutest human beings to ever grace this planet.
4) J can tell when the kids have driven me to the brink of insanity, and will pile them in the car and take them away for a while so i can regroup.
5) J has the most yummy cock, it tastes and feels like heaven. AND… he lets me suck it!
6) J buys me chocolate when i have my period, every month like clockwork.
7) And, he’ll go in and buy me tampons.
J doesn’t buy into that bullshit that cleaning and cooking are women’s work. If he is home from work, he’ll help out.
9) J loves to hear me cry in pain.
10) J eats whatever i cook, even when it doesn’t turn out like i want it to, and pretends to like it.
11) J has never said a single thing about all the weight i have gained since we first got together, and he still wants me.
12) J is always on my side, even when i am wrong. He may tell me in private, that he thinks i was wrong, but when anyone else is there, he takes my side, ALWAYS.
13) J learned all about my mental illness, and takes care of me when i can’t do it myself.
14) He says I love you, often.
15) J is intelligent. He can carry on a philosophical debate on most any topic from theology to politics.
16) J has beautiful teeth, broad shoulders, and a nice ass… what more could a girl want?
17) J compliments my artwork, and honestly seems interested.
18) J thinks i am an intelligent person, good cook, great mom, beautiful woman, and perfect wife. All things i worry i do poorly at.
19) J will tell me what to do, when i am lost and confused.
20) J loves me, out of all the women on the planet (and i’m sure he could have any and all of them, he’s that great) he chose me.

ps… did i mention that he is the most fantastic fuck ever?!

Unavoidable Distance

So, i don’t know. i know i haven’t been posting much lately. Its because i’m all confused, and emotional, and just plain fucked up. Things between J and i are weird. i don’t know how else to put it. We have some good intentions, but rarely have the energy to follow through, with him working his ass off and me doing PTA stuff and being sick, stressed and seemingly on the verge of a nervous collapse. So, we kinda co-exist. Both of us wanting the other. Both of us longing for the days when he held me firmly under his thumb. Both of us unable to do a damn thing about it. Well… at least we have something in common, huh?
J did finally fuck me last night. It was rough, using and painful. i loved it, and i did cum a couple of times. Today i started my period though, so no nookie for me for about 6 days, unless he decides to fuck me in the ass. Which i’m not holding my breath on. The poor man is just too fucking tired to get up to much kinky. And as for a beating? How can i expect him to exercise his good right arm when he can barely finish supper before falling asleep.?
The good news in all of this is we may squeak out from under all this financial stress. And, i go on the 16th and 17th for evaluations at the local Department of Rehabilitive Services. If i do well, i may be able to go back to school. Then i may be able to go back to work. If i could bring in money again, real money, not these piddly ass disability checks, perhaps we could once again live without fear. And, beyond that, i think it would truly help my self-esteem, and thus my mental health. Losing my work devastated me. i was raised to work, to pull my weight. And, i hate feeling like i am not.

Confessions in Therapy

Today was a red letter day for me. i saw my therapist today, after a bit of a break while i was full time working on my headache (which i still have, and i’m truly starting to think is going to drive me completely mad soon.) i spent a good bit of the time catching her up on all my current stressors. Then we actually started to talk about things that matter. (Not that my current stress doesn’t, just that i don’t think that’s what makes me crazy, the old stuff makes me crazy.) i’ve been seeing this one off and on for about 6 months but we’ve never really talked about my past too much beyond those first few sessions where you give your history.
Anyway, i found that i was able to tell her things. Things i thought i would be too ashamed to ever look another woman in the eye and admit. The fact that she didn’t jump out of her chair and run screaming from the room was quite a relief. Then we began idly discussing my relationship with J. i usually avoid this topic like the plague because D/s is completely wrapped up in all aspects of our relationship, and its hard to really talk about J without someone getting a hint of that. i guess i was feeling courageous after the success of our brief discussion of some of my more painful memories of my teenage years. i didn’t disclose the extent of our relationship’s involvement with the lifestyle, and i certainly didn’t name it for her, but i did let her get the impression that J is the authority figure in our relationship. She was wonderful about it. She said that different types of relationships work for different people, and that while she couldn’t abide it herself, she was not me, had none of my background, and could see why i would find such a relationship comforting, even necessary. She of course cautioned me not to let myself be painted into any corners, and warned me that many abusive relationships have these characteristics. However, she reassured me that she didn’t feel i was in an abusive situation, and said she would like to meet J.
Of course, i didn’t need her to tell me that J wasn’t abusing me, i know that, J is wonderful to me. But, i did need her to let me know that she knew J’s control and protection of me wasn’t abuse. i honestly could NOT work with someone who didn’t think well of J. And, i think having to hide such a significant portion of who i am has really limited my ability to work with my therapists in the past. So, i am very hopeful that this time, with her, things might be different. i may work through this. i may get better.
i guess it doesn’t sound like much now that i’ve typed it out, but it feels very important. i feel like i have dropped the mask a bit in front of her. i’ve tested her on something important and she reacted well… now maybe i can get her to hold my had while i drag the boogymen out from under my bed and try to hammer him into submission.
Btw, for the few of you who read my other blog… the transcribing is slow work. Typing it out brings it all up again, and it takes a few days to deal with that before i can began transcribing again. Sorry the process is slow. But, i’ll get there. i hope one day to be adding new entries, not just stuff that’s years old.
Someday, i hope to be free of the demons that haunt me.