i got tapped

So, C has tapped me to fill out one of these questionnaires. Being the sweet girl i am (yeah, ignore all those bitchy posts, i am sweet i tell ya!) i’m very obediently filling it out. And, in a timely fashion too! HA!
The Random Ten
1) Kim ~ Eminem
2) The Country Death Song ~ The Violent Femmes
3) Simple Man ~ Honestly i like all the versions of this song, but Hank Williams Jr’s version is my favorite
4) Curtis Lowe ~ Lynard Skynard
5) Beautiful ~ Christina Aguilera
6) Blue Boy ~ John Fogerty
7) Machine Head ~ Bush
Bullets with Butterfly Wings ~ Smashing Pumpkins
9) Boogie Woogie Wu ~ Insane Clown Posse
10) When a Man Loves a Woman ~ Percy Sledge

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

Maybe 30 songs… my virus software isn’t the greatest and i’m afraid to download.

The last CD you bought is:

i haven’t bought myself a cd in ages and ages… Probably three or four years, poverty sucks. Last thing i remember buying is So Much for the Afterglow by Everclear.

What is the last song you listened to before this message:

You Were Meant for Me by Jewel

Write down five songs you listen to a lot or mean a lot to you:

Under My Thumb ~ Rolling Stones
One Hit Wonder ~ Everclear
Family Portrait ~ Pink
This is How You Remind Me ~ Nickelback
She’s Got You ~ Patsy Cline

Stressing a bit

i have taken a hell of a bite and i’m struggling not to choke here. my little internship has turned into 30 hours a week. Then i have a ton of stuff going on with Brads PTA and of course i’m still responsible for everything around the house. And, i’m wobbling. i do not want to fuck up, but i’m scared.
J is sick, and i cannot get him interested in sex, so no relief there. i quit drinking a long time ago, and i’m dieting. What does this leave? Dammed if i know, so i guess i’ll just bitch here. i know this is short, but i wanted to let you guys know i’m still alive, just really busy and surviving off of about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. i’ll get a handle on all this eventually… right?

Return to Outside World

So, we did end up having sex last night. At about 4 in the morning, J came got in bed with me and we talked a little and snuggled. We discussed that we wished we could have sex more. Finally J said “I want you.” and i said the same. He took it from there.
It was fantastic sex, and i noticed something very weird. i enjoy pain, but for years have been unable to cope with pain on my clit. Just cannot stand it, and its pretty much reserved for a HARSH punishment. But, i find myself wanting him to touch me there. To hurt me there. Hurt me more and more. i like it more every time. And, secretly find myself wondering if i would enjoy oral ministrations now (i never have in the past.) and being afraid to find out. i have no idea why this is suddenly something i am able to explore. It is still horribly painful, but i crave it. i dunno.
i also got to go back to work today. That was fantastic. i started a major project today, and it was very fulfilling to be lost in my work. The time flew by, and before i knew it my boss (henceforth called BeachBunny cause she looks just like one) was running me out the door so i could get home in time to get Brad. Trying to get used to juggling my time and stuff is still a little tricky, but i’ll get it down. i’m enjoying reentering the world very much.

Fizzle

Drat. J and i were making eyes at one another earlier and i was feeling very hopeful that he might be interested in playing lets get it on tonight. But, the kid stayed up forever and now J has fallen asleep on the sofa. i don’t have the heart to wake him up. Damn, i miss our privacy.
i have not been back to work since my first day. This totally sucks. It snowed and iced and generally got very yucky here, so Brad has been out of school. They were very nice and understanding about it, but i cannot help but think this cannot be making a very good impression. *sigh* i get to go back tomorrow though, and i am very excited about that. Even if i don’t get to do a lot there (my boss still uses lotus for her spreadsheets… i am just ITCHING to take all of her stuff and upgrade it to excel!) i do get to go and interact with other adults. i miss adult companionship very much. So, i think tomorrow will be a much brighter day.
Vanessa has to go on Monday for her consult with the surgeon for back surgery. She is very depressed and frightened. i cannot really say i blame her. Vanessa is only 4′11 3/4″ tall. After the surgery she will most likely be a legal midget. She is extremely upset about this. She has always been sensitive about her height. She is a very pretty woman who is also rather vain. And, this is a major strike to her vanity. Although she has always annoyed me a bit being somewhat stuck on herself, this is a horrible thing to have happen to her. i will admit to being a wee bit vain about my brain. i am very proud of my intelligence (oh shut up, you read my journal, its supposed to be full of errors) and my IQ and if i were facing a procedure that i knew would hamper those things, i would be heart broken. So i do understand that this must be very traumatic for her. i wish there was something i could do to help.
i had hoped that i would be posting something hot tonight… sorry it didn’t turn out that way. Brad is going with his respite care worker tomorrow evening… if i can compete with Harry Potter for J’s attention, perhaps i will get lucky. Why did i ever introduce him to those books? LOL

Report

Well, so far i’m still hanging on. i made it through my first day, and it was more or less a successful start. i really really like the woman i work for, and for the most part everyone in the office seems nice. Although the work i am doing is far from challenging or stimulating, it is going to a great cause and that makes it more rewarding. Six weeks of this will be no problem i am thinking, as long as i can keep my head screwed on right. Even after the internship, i would like to continue to volunteer at the woman’s shelter and maintain my contacts there so that i can began networking with the correct people in this field.
J and i are at odds once more, and i confess myself desperately disappointed. i would give anything for this issue to settle down and us to once more share the easy reciprocal relationship we once had. i’m not holding my breath though.
i’m just stressed and at my wits end with our financial situation, and honestly, i’m just really desperately SICK of it. Fuck this being broke to the point of choosing between diapers and food for the kid all the goddamn time. If things do not even out soon… i am going to go completely around the twist.
i have my rag, and i always feel like the sky is falling this time of the month, so i am trying hard not to give too much notice to my feelings of despair. It will probably abate in a week or so. But, damn i hate this week. Is it over yet?

Not Now, Insanity!

Oh GEEESH! Fuck me til i cry. So i am cracking up. And, doing it at the absolutely worst possible time.
So i start my internship tomorrow. And, i am a bit nervous about it, but not chewing my fingernails to the quick or anything. But, i am having all this stress related twitchy shit. i have laughed and cried at the same time today, always a bad sign for me. i feel like my son has boogied all over my nerves and i’m in the midst of a money driven meltdown. Why the fuck does this stuff have to happen NOW? ARGH!
i really feel like this is my last chance. If i don’t grab the reins and stay on the fucking horse this time, i will not be allowed back on. Crazy, depressed, trapped at home for the rest of your life fuck ups this way please. So i cannot crack up. Cannot, not allowed, no way, no how. And, that just adds more and more pressure. i swear i feel like i did way back when i took my SATs. The test that would decide my whole life. And, here it is again. But, not for four hours, oh no… for a long damn time.
The silver lining in this whole fiasco is J. Thank goodness, J has seen my horrible plight here and jumped on board to try to help. Just when i felt our relationship was heading into real trouble, he has rushed to my side to help pull me out of this hole.
Tonight, as soon as our son finally conked out he jerked my pants down in the living room, forced me to bend over the coffee table and beat me with my own belt. (Gotta love a guy who buys you jeans based on the belt that come with them!) It settled me down a bit. But, the thing that settled me the most was his seeing my floundering and exerting control to help me through the crisis. i know, i know, most women want flowers and pampering when they are upset, but give me J’s brand of calmative every day of the week. i feel loved and protected again for the first time in a long time. And, i am filled with gratitude.
And, determination. i will ride the horse this time. i WILL

Success!

Well, i have accomplished the first step in my goal of eventually reentering the workforce. i have secured my internship. YEE HAW!!! Whooo hooo! i am soooo damn excited i can hardly contain myself.
And, J fucked me!
And, Ruby got in touch with me!
And, i lost 4 lbs!
What a great two days… if this is what happens when i whine to my blog… get ready for the whining to truly commence! hehe. Damn, it’d be nice if this could trend could last another day or two.
And, it wasn’t all good fate… don’t take it away! i did catch myself on fire, burn my forehead with the curling iron, have to wear pants that were too short, and Brad broke my wardrobe. And that was all today.
(but i’m still in a really fantastic mood and feeling like celebrating… but shhhh, lets not let fate hear that!)

Misery

So J has been peeking at my blog, and he honestly seemed surprised to find out that i am so unhappy. i just don’t get it. i’ve been telling him this for forever. Begging for his help in getting our relationship to a point where we are both happy. And, he is surprised to find me bitching on here? What am i doing wrong? i am obviously not communicating my needs, fears, or pain to him in an effective manner. i don’t know how much clearer i can be. i don’t know what else to do. Talking with him doesn’t help, pleading doesn’t help, bargaining doesn’t help, and throwing a fit and being the world’s biggest bitch didn’t help either. What does that leave?
Seriously i am at a loss. i know J doesn’t want me to be so miserable. i know in my heart that he loves me. i just don’t know what we can do to repair things. And, i fully accept responsibility for at least part of this. i am bitter and angry. i am hurt and distant and my defense from him is always distance and icy armor. None of this helps the situation. But, i cannot think allowing him to trample unchecked all over my heart is the solution either. We seem to be locked in some silent struggle wherein we both come out the loser. But, how the fuck to i change it? Seriously, how?
There are two things that terrify me above all others. Number one: i am president of Brad’s PTA. He goes to a special school for autistic kids. At the last meeting we had i was looking at the sign in sheet and realized that out of 12 kids in the school only one other kid has his parents still married. And that child is only 2. So i did some research and parents of children with disabilities have an enormous rate of divorce.
And, number two: i am about to go back to work/school/something or the other. If i cannot make our relationship work when i am here devoting all of my energy to it what on earth is going to happen to us when i have other things in my life? Seriously i spend my time working on things i think J would like, i think about little conversations we can have. Things i can tell him about the kids or the weather or the war or what have you. i spend at least an hour every week planning the next week’s menu so he can have food he will enjoy that won’t hurt his diabetes. i scheme ways he can get things he wants and more than anything i wait for him to come home. Every single day i wait on him to come home with the hope that today things will be different. That i can entice him to have a nice meal with me and TALK to me. Or that he will want to cuddle (and that Brad will let us.) Or that he will kiss and hug me and say he missed me. But none of that ever happens. He stalks in with 500 things to do, which never get done because he gets side tracked by the television, computer or (recently) a book. He is stressed about what he isn’t doing, but makes no move to do it. His only conversations with me are about what he wants to eat or drink. Or inquiries about our children. i am completely invisible. my efforts are always wasted and unnoticed. And, i am fucking frustrated.
i know i spend a hell of a lot of time on this blog lately bitching about J. i cannot help it. i don’t tell my rl friends about this stuff. All two of them. What would i say? This is the only place i can explore these feelings of misery. And, it hurts so much, it feels so huge, i have to keep coming back to it again and again.
And it doesn’t help that my best friend just seems to have fallen off the planet. Ruby where are you? Are you okay honey? i love you, i miss you, please come back.

The Culprit

So, it was J who lost the phone all along! No wonder i couldn’t find it. He took it outside with him when he was working on the car and left it laying on top of it. It has since rained on it several times. Now the damn display doesn’t work anymore, and i had all my numbers programmed in there! Dammit. i think he deserves a whipping. Thats not gonna happen though. Its not fair!
i got word today that the funding is finalized for my first internship, and it will be at my first choice employer. The local woman’s shelter. i wanted to help women who have been abused in some way, but i don’t feel that i will ever be able to handle the stress of providing therapy… so i figure keeping the books there is still helping. Gotta do what you can do. i am soooo excited about this, and i cannot wait for my interview on the 18th. Although, i am nervous. Really nervous. And, what the hell am i gonna wear???
Our financial situation is abysmal right now, but by mid Feb we will be in much better shape. Better shape than we have been in for some time. i am fighting off my depression over our lack of fundage right now (and other minor things like hot water, cigarettes, and an oven) by dreaming of having family portraits made in the spring. i’ve wanted to do that ever since Kami was born, but have not had the money. She is almost 4. i’m tired of looking at family portraits that don’t include her. Its not right. So we are going to have some done. i cannot wait!!

FYI

How the hell do i do these things?!? i have lost the damn cordless phone! Seriously, lost it. Its been gone since Saturday evening and the battery in it is dead so, of course, i cannot page it and find it. i’ve looked under the sofa and the chair. In the kitchen, the bedrooms, the bathroom, even on the porch. i can’t find the damn thing anywhere. ARGH! That damn phone was bought through the phone company (back in the days when i worked and we could afford such things) and it cost a HOLY FORTUNE! LOL… how, how i ask you, does someone lose a PHONE?
So, i wanted to let my faithful handful of readers know, that i will be offline for a while. i’m pretty sure our phone is about to be disconnected. Probably within the week. And, then, it will not be restored to service until AFTER the 17th of Feb. Yeah, it sucks, but not a lot i can do about it. i wish i could. It is going to make it very hard to coordinate my return to work/school. But, its just unavoidable. Hopefully this is the last time. i am trying my hardest to get us on a budget. i spent several days developing one. But, its tough, because Brad’s expenses are almost half of what J makes a month. Then there are utilities to pay, insurances, and of course all of my medical expenses which are also considerable. Not to mention J’s diabetic supplies, groceries, and money for Kami. Something has to give. And, i’m truly hoping that my return to the workforce will be that thing.
Anyway, if i should just disappear, i’ll be back the end of Feb.