Right… Wrong… Who Cares?

i just haven’t had the will to blog lately. Everything has been all up in the air, and i’ve had a couple days of complete lunacy. But, i’m feeling better now. Tonight while Brad was off with his respite care worker, J spanked me, fucked me, then spanked me again. The second time was unbelievably hard, and my ass is killing me. But, i feel much more centered.
i have no idea why it is so calming to me to have my ass set on fire. Doesn’t seem like it should be does it? Don’t get me wrong… Usually, i hate it while its happening… i scream, i cry, i writhe away. But, afterwards i feel tender, and easy with myself. i feel secure. i’ve missed playing out here around the edge of our limits. my pussy has been dripping wet all evening, and i am hoping against hope J will want to use me again tomorrow.
Beat me, fuck me, and humiliate me. It makes me happy. It makes me feel good and safe and loved. It doesn’t seem right. But, that’s how it is… and i’m tired of being upset and scared all the time and worrying about what’s right. i’m gonna focus on what makes us happy.

The Ride

Lately i’m on an emotional roller coaster. Things with J, things with Kami, things with Brad… they are going so well. i’m so happy. i look at them and my heart swells with love. But, old shit keeps creeping in and fucking me up. Like today.
Today i had Kami’s birthday party. It was more or less a perfect day. A story book day. my whole family came, even my father. No one fought. Kami loved every one of her gifts, i got tons of pictures. J was proud… Brad loved playing. And, at the end of the night, J and i had a wonderful talk and yummy multiple orgasm sex. It was perfection. Then i had a horrible nightmare, followed by a flashback and i’m sitting here at 4 in the morning, sweating, crying, and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
As miserable as all that stuff was, it was a different life. A long time ago. Why do i continue to be haunted? Why can i never just let all this stupid shit go and just enjoy what i have now? No matter how hard i try, i cannot seem to get free of it. For the most part, i’ve learned to cope with my mental illness. The lost time, the other little weird shit that goes along with DID. i’ve made contingency plans, safety nets, backups, and ways to remember. It was a lot of work, but i’ve learned to deal with this. So i am handling being crazy. Isn’t that enough? Why can’t i get these fuckers out of my head?
i don’t know if i’m afraid, pissed off, grief stricken, or just flat out fed up. Maybe some crazy combination of them all. i don’t know what else to do. i’ve done the therapy thing… and i always just get worse. i’ve kept a journal dedicated to therapy work. i’ve done art therapy. i’ve left it alone. None of it works. Trying to leave it alone… just makes it worse. And, the same with poking at it. i just want to be free of this. Somebody let me off the ride, i’ve had enough.

To my Mama, with Love

Five years ago today, you went away. Since then, i’ve been lonely. Nobody has come by to say, “Hop in the car and go grocery shopping with me, I know you can’t stand it, neither can I. We might as well be miserable together.” Nobody has loaned me a book with the promise that it would change how i thought about something… and been right. i’ve had no one to call who i could count on to know the capital of Madagascar or who invented toothpaste or how to spell some four syllable word. No one has drunk expensive wine but bought me a cheap bottle while muttering that i must get my taste for that from my father. And, i haven’t had my nails done, i tried one time but it hurt my heart.
i miss the word burgerdoodle, and the way your hands always felt cool when you stroked my hair. Although i’ve still bought you an angel every Christmas, i have missed your delight in them, and the joy that shone in your eyes when i gave you the box. i missed you desperately when my son was diagnosed with autism and i’ve always thought if only you were here, you’d help me make better decisions about his treatment. i’ve missed your laugh and the way you cried at wine commercials. i even missed the impatient gestures you would make at me when you thought what i was saying was incredibly stupid. What i wouldn’t give to argue with you just one more time. Or to hear you say “I could just effing p.”
And, i wonder. Do you see my daughter? i named her for you… for the same reason you gave me my name… i hope somehow it helps her to be like the person she was named for. Did you send her to me? i like to think that you did… she was born the day before you died, only a year later. That seems significant to me. If you did, thank you so much. She is my precious angel, and i pray that i am doing the right things by her. Just as i’m sure you did for me.
i love you, Mama. Wherever you are, i hope it is a happy place. i hope you got to see your own Mama who you missed so much. i hope there is good wine, chocolate that never makes you sick, and dancing. Thank you for the time we had together… i only wish it could have been longer.

SUCKER

i am a sucker. i’m pretty sure i have it clearly penciled on my forehead in big read letters. Vanessa was released from the hospital today and came immediately to my house to make oodles of selfish demands. i am really reaching the end of my tolerance for this. i realize she is sick. But, the woman is damn near forty years old. The whole “the world revolves around me” thing has gone on way too long. In essence she is pissed at me because the favor i did for her didn’t work out as well as we had hoped. She doesn’t have a bank account and i do, so i was going to charge her birth certificate to my card so she could get it faster. An unexpected charge came out on my card (which incidentally fucked up a lot more than her birth certificate, i had to go get a loan to cover my bills for fucks sake) and i was unable to order it last week. i had planned to order it for her tomorrow. She cussed, she cried, she threatened suicide. i cannot cope with this. What the fuck is wrong with her? Why does she always feel the need to drag me down with her? i was so upset by the time she finally left that i was close to hysterical. i had to take a damn valuim. This shit has got to stop.
Today was Kami’s fourth birthday. She came over today and J gave her the ring we put aside for her “on her birthday” present. The rest of the stuff we got her will be given at her party on Saturday. She is so wonderful. i cannot believe that she is four. Its seems just yesterday that she came into my life. i only hope that i can give her the tools to be the strongest, happiest person possible. She has the potential to do anything she wants. i am so proud of my daughter.
Finally… i am in a very bad place right now with my mental health. i’ve been really struggling with flashbacks and body memories lately. i’ve lost time several times and i’m starting to really worry that my hard won progress is fading. The local clinic cannot treat me because they are not qualified to work with DID and i still haven’t been able to straighten out J’s insurance. Not sure quite what to do about it, but i’ve got my heels dug in and i’m fighting. Dammit i will not go back into darkness without one hell of a fight. Any pro bono shrinks out there? Yeah, right… at least i still have my sense of humor.
Tomorrow will be a better day. It will.

Still Kicking

i’m still alive. Just things are crazy. Vanessa is back in the hospital. Marcie still doesn’t have a car or a license and she is driving me nuts. Sometimes i wish i could pack my little family (J, Brad and Kami) and just run away. Hope to be back up to posting soon.

Cookbooks & Chaos

i am going to scream. Loudly. For a long time. Brad is driving me nuts. He is celebrating his return to health by being as annoying as humanly possible. And, his respite care worker seems to have decided the time is ripe to stop wanting to keep him and he can’t seem to ever go to school consistently because there is always something going on there. Even his Saturday program has fallen apart. i love Brad with all my heart, but if i don’t get away from him for a little while, and soon, i am going to throttle him.
i am also working on the cover design for his school’s cookbook. The first two designs didn’t work, and i’m redesigning AGAIN. DAMMIT. i could just scream. If it doesn’t work this time, they are getting something extremely simple because its becoming more stress than i can handle.
J and i are getting along really well. He has been great through this phase of nutsiness i am having. i really think that will help me rebound quickly.
This has to be a short entry because i have Kami tomorrow and i must get some sleep. She is so much fun. i’m going to make a rock band for them tomorrow i think, complete with pan lid cymbals, pot drums, and pop bottle flutes. HEHE, J will probably want to move out.

The Last Thing…

For some really lousy reason i’ve been having really bad nightmares lately and so my insomnia has kicked into high gear. And, following from that my mental state hasn’t been the greatest today. i feel very disconnected, frightened, shaky, and jumpy. i’ve had two flashbacks and my ears are ringing.
J and i talked about this, and my frustration with it. Everything in my life is going really well (well, except the work thing, which i’ll get to in a minute) and i do not want to be cracking up now and unable to enjoy it. i feel very lost and confused. The only thing i am sure of right now is that i am desperately in love with J, and i’m so incredibly lucky and thankful that i feel 100% sure again that he is desperately in love with me. This gives me the foundation to cope with the rest of this bullshit.
Due to some arcane bit of paperwork i have been dropped from J’s insurance coverage. So i cannot go to the doctor or get meds. That makes it extremely difficult to work though times like this, but i’ve done it before, and i know i can do it again, because i am much stronger now. This is just a temporary problem, and i will get through it. Its hard, but it can be done.
Perhaps my fear and discomfort is in part due to surrendering the last bit of myself to J. Tonight, i willingly let him lick my pussy. In fact i wanted him to do it. He did not cum. He didn’t use me to pleasure himself at all. It was all about me and my orgasm. i have a really really hard time with this and hate it. i usually fight and whine so bad that J gives up and leaves me in a state of sexual frustration for as long as it takes for the circumstances to work out so we can have sex again. You see, i have always been secretly very ashamed of wanting pleasure for myself. i know that is stupid and i’ve also always been ashamed of this stupid idea, and thus never admitted to anyone. But, its some deep-rooted thing and even knowing its stupid doesn’t make it go away. i am mortified by my own needs and desires. Getting off when J is using me is okay, because its about his pleasure, and it adds to his pleasure for me to cum. But, just wanting to cum on my own seems desperately wrong to me. i do sometimes masturbate, but i do that on my own and don’t ask J for anything so it doesn’t seem as bad to me. But, asking J to help me achieve orgasm without his own just disturbs me. And, the fact that it disturbs me disgusts me. *sigh* i am talking in crazy circles.
The short version is, he made me let him do it. But, then i wanted him to do it. i submitted. i gave him my pleasure. i admitted my deep dark dirty secret… that i enjoy sex and want to be pleased… not just as a byproduct of J’s pleasure, but for myself. i wish i could say that doing this exorcised this demon from me, and i will not struggle with this anymore, but that’s a lie. i will. Its still hard. i am still ashamed. But, i will work though it.
All of this and a lot of other things have led me to conclude that i am not quite ready to reenter the working world. i am going to call my rehab counselor tomorrow and ask for a few weeks to restabalize. Then we can meet and see what needs to be done. i’m not sure if i will ever go back to work full time. i’m not sure if its the best thing for me, my son, my family. But, i’m not sure its not either. So i’m going to take some time to figure it out.
This isn’t a downward spiral. Its a side trip. i am having a bit of a hard time mentally at the moment. But, i am not falling apart. i’ll get this sorted and stand strong again. It would be nice if i could ask J to come and hold me awhile until i could go to sleep, but he has to work tomorrow and he is already very tired. He doesn’t get enough sleep. So i will not be selfish and do that. i will tough it out. i might have felt better when we finished talking after our session in bed tonight, but Bkid woke up and came and ran me out of the bed before i was able to relax and make my peace with what had happened. So i went to my lonely bed, had a nightmare, and am now rambling here in a daze of sleep-deprived dribble.
Does this ever end?

Scary Good Feelings

Yesterday was a difficult day that ended fantastic. After J and i had such wonderful sex i was wired and ended up staying up all night, but i wasn’t too worried because i knew Brad would be going back to school. He had been playing and happy and eating well. So i sent him, and went out to grab a pack of cigs. i came home and fooled around online and smoked, hopping into bed at about 9. The phone rang not too long after that, Brad’s driver saying she was going to have to bring him home because the school said he was sick. He got here at about noon, fine and dandy. He was playing, laughing, and happy. That school is totally full of shit. Whatever.
i was dragging ass but i toughed it out and he fell asleep about 2:30. i laid down too and we were still sleeping when J got home at 3:30. i slept a little longer then i had to get up and go get Marcie from work since she was stranded. Then i had to go to Walmart where some rotten ass little kids were running around and knocked me down, causing me to hurt my ankle even worse. (BRATS!) i took Marcie home and finally arrived back here at about 7:30.
i then discovered that my husband is a god! He had cleaned house, washed all of the bedding, and was cooking the tastiest dinner. He made marinated baked chicken, potatoes au grautin, fried okra, and cheddar garlic biscuits. It was damn delicious, Betty Crocker doesn’t have shit on J. After that wonderful feast (during which Brad fell asleep) we went out and sat on the porch together. It was windy as hell, but the temperature was fairly mild and i enjoyed sitting next to him and chatting so much. It was just really really nice.
Then we made the beds with nice freshly washed sheets, and for a really nice treat, Brad went into his own bed without a fuss. So i got to go to bed with J. After only a few seconds he reached down and was jerking at my nightgown. When i slept with him, i slept naked, but that so rarely happens anymore, i’ve taken to sleeping in my gown again.
“Get this thing off, I want your pussy against me, not this damn thing,” he growled at me. After that he seemed unable to keep his hands off of me. When he informed me, in an extremely menacing voice, that he was just going to use me, and he didn’t care if i got anything out of it, i felt myself melt. i did cum several times, and after a long long time, J finally did too.
Later, i fell asleep next to him. i feel so happy and content. So lucky. i am almost scared i feel so happy.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Funny thing about life, it goes on. Even when you think it cannot, things are too bad, this shit must end, it goes on. And, it has gone into what looks like smoother waters.
Brad is feeling much much better. He laughed and ate and actually played today. J is feeling better too. His ass is sore from the shot of penicillin he got yesterday, but he is feeling much better. my ankle is still hurting but i’m feeling better too.
Brad went to bed early tonight, and i went with him. We were sleeping quite well when J crept into the bedroom and woke me up by shoving his cock in my mouth. Even being severely sleep fogged didn’t stop me from appreciating J’s hard cock in my mouth. i was just beginning to wake up when he pulled me from the bed and made me go into Brad’s room. i was slowed down by limping, but made it in the other bed quick enough.
He straddled my head, laying across me in a 69 position. His cock was forced into my throat and i couldn’t pull off it. i tried to suck as he leaned down and nipped at my clit and ran his fingers over my pussy and ass, but i was scared. i started to thrash around and finally used my hands to swat lightly at his thighs in an attempt to convey my panic. He lifted up, mercifully, and i squirmed my head away and gasped for breath. He let me have a small break from sucking (read choking) and began to rub my clit with greater and greater force, until i was writhing and whimpering beneath him. Then he forced his finger into my ass and began to stroke my clit very very hard until i was near orgasm. This time when he slid his cock deep into my throat i didn’t fight, even though it was still hard for me.
When he tired of this, he crawled between my legs and rubbed his dick roughly over my throbbing clit. Remember, until the last month or two i’ve never really been able to bear much playing with my clit, so this all seems very harsh and intense to me. With dire threats as to how badly he was going to hurt me, he forced his length deep into my clenching cunt, making me cry out in a mixture of agony and ecstasy.
As he slammed deep into me, banging my cervix over and over again, he bit my nipples and threatened me. He told me how i was going to serve him more. How he wanted me to be at his beck and call again. He called me a nasty dirty whore and yelled at me to take his cock.
Then he began to whisper how badly he wanted me to hurt. That i needed to hurt horribly. He needed to see my pain. And he pulled his cock from my pussy and began pushing it into my ass. Fire raced through me and i flexed my hips up. He grabbed them and pulled me up for the deepest possibly penetration and began grinding his thumb against my clit.
i whimpered that it was agony and he grunted, fucking me harder. Grinding my clit.
“Cum dammit,” he demanded.
“i can’t,” i whispered back.
“You will cum, I demand it. I order it. I command you to cum, you bitch,” he grunted as he fucked me with great force. He shoved his cock back into my cunt and bit my breasts again. Suddenly inspired, i asked him to do that to my clit. He moved down and sucked hard at my clit and then bit it repeatedly, drawing cries and moans and begging from me. When he finally mounted me again, i was ready to cum. A few hard thrusts and i came violently against him.
As i lay panting he flipped me onto my knees and entered my pussy roughly. He rode me hard, and forced me into the most painful position which forces his fat cock deepest into me. Getting his hands buried in the back of my hair he cursed me.
“Take my cock bitch. Take every fucking inch of it you whore. You will service me you slut. Take it, take it, take it, TAKE IT!”
After what seemed an eternity of agony, he pumped his cum into me.
Then he took me into his arms and soothed me. Whispered how much he loved me and what a good girl i am.
My god, that man is delicious.

Fuck it

Now J is sick. Today is his 34th birthday, and he is sick. And, Brad is driving me completely insane with his whining and screaming. i don’t know how much of this i can stand.
i am ready to just give up.