This Is Not What i Had In Mind

So, when i wished that part of me would get pink or even red, it was not my eye was thinking of. Yesterday afternoon my eye started hurting. When i woke up this morning it was swollen almost completely shut and throbbing like a bitch. Off to the hospital i went to find out what the hell is wrong with me, and they couldn’t tell me for sure. They said that my cornea didn’t seem to be scratched, so it was either allergies, a sty, or pink eye. Yuck, none of these choices are very appealing.
Today is Brad’s birthday, and all of my plans are all screwed up due to this eye thing. Dammit. i’m going to try to do something with him and Kami tomorrow. He did love the big wheel my sister and Brenda got him. J took him to the park to ride it on the skating ring, and said he had a ball. i wish i could have gone, but the sunlight kills my eye. Hopefully, i’ll be able to take him again soon.
i still have not been fed, and i’m about to start taking donations for a new vibrator. HA!
Hopefully the eye will clear up some and J and i will be able to find some time to reconnect, and i’ll be able to do something grand for Brad. Until then… i’m hanging in.

Frustration

i am so damn frustrated i could scream. Murphy’s law is alive and well in my house. Here are a few things that piss me off.
One, i have not been fucked since Sunday, it is now Thursday… nypho sluts must be fed cock to survive. Okay, okay, i’m not really dying, but i am extremely edgy. i need to get laid.
Two, J worked doubles last week and they did not appear on his paycheck. Although i know he will be paid for them next week, in the interim shall we ignore Brad’s birthday, starve, or not pay the damn light bill. It pisses me off sooo bad that we saw what we needed to do, J made the sacrifice to do it, and we are still financially fucked. Dammit!
Three, my respite care worker is not keeping Brad again. my respite hours have already been cut once because we weren’t using them, now they will cut them again, and it will all be this tramp’s fault. i am not happy. i would hate to have to fire her, but her job security isn’t looking good at the moment.
The damn host for my website, that allows adult content, has declared it “pornography” and says i have to move. i do not see my site as pornography… to me that is nasty pictures… but, fine, to hell with it. It took me days and days to find a free host i was willing to go with because i do not want my visitors getting popups and i don’t want to break anyone’s terms of service and have an adult site in an inappropriate place. Anyone know of a good free host or a pretty cheap one?
And, five… today i plucked out 8 gray hairs from the front of my hair. i am only 28 years old. Dammit.

Who Knew?

Today, when i checked my email, this lovely award was there! Thank you Lady Calliah!
i have nothing hot to report today, sadly… because J is currently obsessed with his stupid game (does anyone else hate Diablo 2 with a passion?) and cannot be bothered to fuck me… much less swat me. i am pissed off and pouting, but he is too absorbed by his game to notice. *sigh*

The Games We Play

Ummm hmmm… well, this embarrassed me (which was its point) to the point that i almost didn’t blog it. But… what the hell… i don’t want to forget it either, so i am putting it here for posterity.
We have been in the midst of a bit of a dry spell… which has affected me a bit negatively since we got so intense last week, then i was kinda out in the cold this week. Nothing he could do about it, he’s been working doubles and even J can’t be superman all the time, he’s gotta get in some sleep sometimes. Anyway, it had been a few days since we’ve fooled around, sexually or otherwise.
So… tonight he came up with this creative little game. He put 10 beans on the floor in the kitchen. Uncooked northern beans. i had to crawl over and pick these beans up one at a time with my mouth, carry them back to him and drop them at his feet. To give me incentive, each time i spit out a bean at his feet he gave me a hard lick with the paddle. And, to make it challenging the crop was buried in my pussy with the threat that if i dropped it, it would go in my ass. Are you getting a picture of how dignified this game was?
i would crawl across the floor, ass throbbing from the paddle, cunt clenched to hold in the crop, and locate a bean. Kneel down in the front, get it into my mouth and then try to get turned around without knocking the crop out of me as it drug the floor. Then hurry back to J drop my bean and present my ass for another resounding slap. It was an exercise in humiliation as he chuckled at me the entire time.
When i finally presented him with the last bean, he hauled off an whacked my ass so hard i nearly screamed. Then made me lay on my back and fuck myself with the crop. i was actually very turned on (yes, i am a humiliation whore) but i just couldn’t cum. After a few minutes he sent me to get on the bed on my knees.
Then he used me hard. Every thrust was agony and i couldn’t get into it. i was so grateful when he finally let me milk the cum from him.
i have no idea why… but i found all of this intensely hot, to my complete mortification. He says we will play again.

ps… His foot is totally fucked. He is going to the ER tomorrow. i am so worried about him. i am so terrified it will get infected.

The Torturous Toothpick

J is hurt. Today he ran a toothpick into his foot about a half an inch. He is really in bad shape and i’m worried about him because diabetics have to be so careful with their feet. He can barely get around and is in a lot of pain.
i have no idea what will come of this. But i am worried, and that is the focus of this household right now. Will write more when i know better how he (and thus myself) will be affected by it

Amplification and a Kick

First of all, i’d like to just smack myself. When i announced my site’s relaunch yesterday, i completely forgot to mention the creative genius behind my new look. Caz is one of the most talented designers i have ever seen. She is also a damn blog scientist and i have faith the woman can do anything with one. If you haven’t checked out her site, Eternal Bloom Graphics, go do so, it is positively breath taking. Her blog is also hilarious, so hightail it on over there too. And, Caz, honey, i don’t want to hear it… you DESERVE a little recognition for all of your hard work. i love you sugar.
Now, on to me. This week sucks. J has worked doubles this week, and he is exhausted. And, i feel so bad for him. i would give almost anything to be able to make his life easier. On top of that, the money people for Brad’s school acted like a bunch of fuckwads on Tuesday, and sent me into a major downward spiral. Add in Brad’s seasonal allergies and seeming cycle to autism behaviors and you have a big fucking mess. This does not put me in a good frame of mind, even though i try hard to remain upbeat in order to help J as much as possible.
Tonight, when J wanted to fuck me, i was just not into it. (i know, again… i’m falling down on my status of unrepentant super slut.) i sucked his cock then grit my teeth and endured as he put me on my knees on the bed and inched his way into my mostly dry, tight, closed pussy. i don’t know how long he actually used me, switching between my back, my knees, and me astride… but it felt like at least an eternity. When he finally came i lay on the bed dripping with cum. i felt miserable and low… and worst of all extremely selfish. i know J is working his ass off for our family, and i should be happy. i should be grateful, and i am grateful… but selfishly, i want him. i miss him. i am lonely and overwhelmed and miserable. i hate it when i’m like this.
Is it possible to kick your own selfish ass?

The Blissful Whore

Tonight J used me as a whore. i cannot think of a better way to put it. When he got home from work i made dinner and then he went to look at car parts on eBay while i read. i was tired and i wanted to go to bed, but i wanted to go with him, so i kept waiting, hoping he would finish. By the time i finally gave up, and decided i would go without him i had become irritated despite myself. To my surprise he cut the computer off and went to bed while i was brushing my teeth and getting ready in the bathroom. When i went into the bedroom, i opened the door so Brad could find us easily if he woke up and was about to turn off the light when he told me not to. i sighed to myself. i was not into it. i did not want to play, i did not want to fuck. i wanted to sleep. But, i knew that it is not my place to decide these things or to ever deny J so i complied without complaint.
When he asked for the paddle a thrill of fear shot through me and i couldn’t suppress a whimper as i went to get it. i lay down beside him and handed it over. He cuddled me a minute and had me rub his cock. He had me rub my pussy first to get it somewhat moist. His hands are calloused because he works so hard and when he touches my dry pussy, it is extremely painful. He spared me this, to my immense relief. From the moment he reached between my legs i knew this was going to be difficult because i was just the very antithesis of turned on.
He used the paddle then. Making my ass a mass of fiery agony. i was bad and reached back to protect my butt a couple of times, but always gained control of myself before he had to say anything. He paddled me until i nearly screamed, and then let me suck his cock. But, instead of laying on his back and allowing me to service him, something that almost always turns me on, he stayed on his knees and i laid on my side, giving him my mouth to fuck. As he banged into the back of my throat and beyond i lay in misery, enduring. This seemed to last at least five eternities, before he made me lay across the bed on my tummy. He threw his leg across me to hold me down and proceeded to use the paddle to roast my ass. i screamed, i begged, i thrashed. Finally i lay sobbing hysterically as he finished up what felt like the Spanish inquisition on my ass. When he was done i could feel the heat rising off of my skin and the slow throb of swollen flesh.
Then he put me on my back, my ass screaming its indignation with this position as my weight pressed it into the bed. He raised my legs up so that my ankles rested on his shoulders and entered in a hard thrust. That was agony too, and a sense of deep humiliation stole over me. He used me every which way. On my knees. On my back. My mouth. Finally he told me he wanted my ass. i had to summon every ounce of willpower i had not to beg for mercy but instead replied, “Yes, Master, use my ass if that pleases you.”
Thankfully, when he had so much trouble getting it in, he decided against that and went back to my pussy. Finally pumping his cum into me. He then gave me the choice of masturbating to orgasm or doing 20 sit ups. Since i knew there was no way in hell i could cum, i took the sit ups and went to the living room to do those while he got comfy in bed. Crawling back into bed with him a few minutes later, i noticed he was upset.
He said he was sorry it wasn’t better for me. i stopped him, gently, before he could get too far in this line of thought. i told him that i like to submit to him. And, that i rarely got the chance to submit as much as i had tonight. Submission is easy when you like it. He didn’t seem entirely convinced, but took that. We talked a bit more, and then Bkid got up, running me out of bed.
The funny thing, is that now i am horny. Being used that way is incredibly hot. Having this assurance that J likes the kinky things we do for himself and not just me is hot. That level of submission is hot. The awful pain in my ass and pussy is hot. And, just knowing that J wants me that much is hot. He used me as HIS whore. And, i like that. i crave that. i feel so wonderfully in tune with my submissive nature right now. And, so desperately filled with love, and gratitude for his love. He wants me to enjoy it. And, i cannot imagine being with the kind of man who didn’t. But, he also wants me enough to use me when i don’t. The best of both worlds.

Holding Pattern

All work and no play make J an absent Master. Poor thing, he has worked his ass off the last couple of days, working 16 hour shifts and on his days off. i hate that. It makes me feel like the worst partner ever. If i worked, he wouldn’t have to work so damn hard. The other side of that, though, is that J doesn’t want me to go back to work. He hasn’t forbid me to do it, and he has promised me his support, but says he would be most happy if i stayed at home. i’m thinking about just stepping up my graphics work and doing that. i don’t know. We will see what happens.
Needless to say with J’s schedule there has been no time for us to work on our renegotiation. Its hard to know if i’m unhappy with a rule if J is never here for us to test it. But, things will calm down, and we will get back on track. i’m not worried about it, and still very happy.
i have no idea what’s going on with the Franklin situation. Last time i talked to Marcie she gave every appearance of having just stuck her head in the sand and pretending that everything was hunky dory. This is her usual method for dealing with problems. i don’t know what to do, i am totally powerless to help people who don’t want help. Sit by and watch the train wreck i suppose.
Iris came by today with her boyfriend and his son. They are such a cute young family. i am so proud of her.

Disaster… Loose All Your Points and Begin at Zero

Well, it was too good to last. Our peace and tranquility got blown out of the water today in a huge kind of way. The first bad thing in a serious of disastrous events happened at about 5 this morning when i awoke after less than an hours sleep from a horrendous nightmare. Sweating and crying i crawled out of bed and curled up in J’s chair in the living room to try to calm down. This didn’t have the desired effect since i was very shortly struggling with a terrible flashback. i don’t remember anything after that until about 6:30 when disaster number two began.
Marcie called me in hysteria. Franklin had not come home all night and she was worried sick. i, having sit through my share of sleepless nights waiting for Iris to show up, reassured her that i was sure that everything would be fine. Franklin would turn up. Calm down. Shh. Boy was i wrong. i finally extracted myself from this conversation with soothing promises that it would be okay, and that i would call her immediately if he called me. i finally stated bluntly that my breast was hurting and i thought i had a spider bite on it or something and i would call her back after i had checked on it.
Disaster number three… when i looked in the bathroom mirror, inspecting the “spider bite” i found, to my horror, the words Bad Cunt carved there. FUCK! i knew that i had done it, even if i had no recollection of doing so. DID totally sucks. But, damn, this is just horrible. i know it will leave a scar and what a fucking awful thing to be scared with. Not to mention how J would feel… and if i didn’t think something up to get rid of it how on earth would i ever explain it to my daughter. Complete hysteria ensued but was interrupted by disaster number four.
Marcie called me back, this time almost incoherent in her anguish. Pushing my own huge problem aside for the moment, i soothed Marcie and finally extracted the story from her. The police had called. Franklin had been arrested for shoplifting. A freaking $2 bottle of computer duster. i didn’t know if it was worse that he had stolen or that he was stealing an extremely dangerous inhalant. Fuck. And, moral concerns aside, i had to question the intelligence of a 6′2″ 350 lb young man with an afro (not exactly inconspicuous, you know) trying to steal something from a place with video surveillance at 2 in the morning when there were pretty much no other shoppers. Yeah, the kid was already high. Double fuck. After pep talking Marcie through the decision to leave him there until her asshole husband could go get him i hung up the phone.
i went back to inspect the disgusting mess on my tit and had just finished working myself into a state of panic when i heard J come in the back door. i stood paralyzed in the bathroom a moment, thinking about how horribly disappointed in me he would be. Wild thoughts of hiding it flew through my head for about two seconds before i slapped them away as lunacy. Dishonest lunacy to boot. Feeling like a condemned woman i met him in the kitchen and confessed. He wasn’t happy, but to my immense relief he wasn’t livid with me either, since i had no recollection of doing it. Then Brad popped out of the bed like toast from an overenthusiastic toaster.
He was out of school today for a teacher’s workday. That meant after having slept for less than an hour, being in an extreme state of emotional distress about this disfiguring obscenity and worried sick about Marcie and Franklin, i got to keep the human version of Tigger from the Pooh cartoons all day. Joy.
Both of us being somewhat on edge J and i ended up trading harsh words before i packed up Brad and went over to Vanessa’s for help with him. J needed his sleep. So off we go. Once there, things calmed down for a while and Brad was actually very good, thank god. Hostetter was at work, so i didn’t have to deal with that asshole and Vanessa was in a good mood. Just as i began to really relax disaster number five landed.
We heard from Marcie’s best friend (incidentally also a very good friend of mine) Brenda. Brenda said that Franklin had arrived at Marcie’s work in the custody of his father and proceeded to curse Marcie horribly in front of the entire parking lot. A customer had called the police on his cell phone and they were dispatched to break it up. At this point she also revealed Marcie’s suspicion that Franklin had been smoking crack or crank with said dickhead father. (WHY HAS SHE NEVER LEFT THIS ASSHOLE???) He had threatened to hit Marcie and even told her that he wished she had died instead of our mother. i suppose i have never mentioned Franklin much here, but let me just say this is TOTALLY out of character for him. i was as surprised as i would be if J came in one day and said he were ready to get in touch with his submissive nature. This is really a sweet kid, and i was blown away. Having seen both Marcie and Vanessa act this way in the grip of heavy drugs, i began to be convinced that Marcie’s suspicion was correct. Vanessa later told me that he had said something very indicative to her a few weeks ago. When you factor in his drastic weight loss (about 100 lbs in 6 months with no real diet plan) you begin to get the picture. i suppose we have all been in denial. Anyway, Brenda said that Marcie was beside herself and could i please go get her. Of course i would. i had to… no matter what i had going on, Marcie needed me.
So Vanessa, Brad and i piled into the Bronco and boogied over to Hostetter’s work where i dropped Vanessa off. She had an appointment with her therapist, and i did not want her to miss it, since i cannot possibly cope with any shit from her at the moment. Then Brad and i picked up Marcie, who was understandably a mess. i took her over to Brenda’s work and we sat in the Bronco for the hour and a half it took her to get off talking. Marcie revealed that in addition to this problem with Franklin, she found out that the asshole was having an affair. i tried to be reassuring while privately thinking that Marcie was trapped in one of the outer circles of hell. i truly think that this is the biggest crisis that her family has ever faced, in a long line of drama. By the time Brenda finally came out to join us, Marcie was much calmer, but still obviously in a horrendous situation. i don’t know anymore on this… and i’m dying to find out… Marcie needs a damn home telephone.
Anyway, i got home in one piece, and toughed out the next three hours with Brad. He was actually really good today and i am eternally grateful to him. J finally stirred at about 4:45 and asked why Brad was still home since his respite care worker should have picked him up at 4. He got up and called her. Seems her car had broken down, and she had tried to call but i had been gone most of the day and J asleep. He made arrangement to drop Brad off at her house and off we went. When we finally got home, instead of comforting each other after a truly fucked up day, we began to snap at each other.
Finally, we ended up in the bed and J decided to whip me. i was resistant to the idea but was tired of arguing and i got him the black flogger. He proceeded to stripe me unmercifully drawing screams from me. Finally though, it all worked and i was flying high on endorphins. He got out the vibe and had me use it while he continued to whip my back really hard. At this point licks that might normally make me shriek only felt comforting. i had my first shuddering orgasm and lay panting as he worked over my back and ass.
Then he whispered, “You are not a bad cunt, you are my cunt.”
i whimpered.
“Say it,” he demanded.
“i’m your cunt,” i whispered.
“Louder.”
“i’m your cunt!”
“Louder.”
“I’M YOUR CUNT!”
“Keep saying it.”
So, he continued to whip me, harder and harder, and i repeated “i’m your cunt!” over and over until i was in the grip of another shattering orgasm. i lay panting on the bed as he drew the vibrator from me and tossed it and the flogger over the side of the bed. He drew me in and whispered to me. Telling me i was his. His baby, his love, his wife, his cunt, his everything. i wasn’t bad. He stroked me and soothed me. And, amazingly, even after all this shit, i felt really wonderful. Loved, cherished. i snuggled him and whispered my thanks, my love, and my undying devotion. He promised to take care of me.
He later said that he was revoking all my earned privileges and we would start our process over due to a severe mental health foul. i have to say i agree with him that our progression got seriously derailed, and i am grateful he is willing to start over.
And, i still feel really good… amazing what endorphins and the love of a truly awesome man can do for you.

Antidepressant?

So, in the interest of keeping the both of us from falling into that deep dark depression J was very scene intensive yesterday. i got my ass spanked with every implement in the house. The belt, the paddle, the flogger, his hand. i should have journaled about this yesterday, because the whole thing has become a bit of a blur to me now. i can remember being taken into the bathroom and ordered to bend over the bathtub then belted until i screamed. At another point i was paddled in the kitchen.
The day culminated with a scene in our bedroom. My hands were tied in front of me and the ball gag firmly strapped into my mouth. He then absolutely wore me out with the flogger, leaving me sobbing into the gag. i expected him to take the gag out then, because blowjobs are a staple in our sex life, but he did not. He rubbed his cock on my face and lips then fucked me for a long long time. When he did finally cum, he did it all over my face and the gag, then he made me wear it for a long while because he was busy making me cum.
End result: i am still scared, but i am much more centered and relaxed. J will take care of me, he will find a way. i have faith in him.