Beggars Cannot Be Choosy

So, i didn’t get fucked in the ass last night. Or anything else. i made dinner and we ate and then i went to bed. But, today things were different. i got up this morning and got Brad off to school. Then i straightened some things up before deciding fuck it, i was gonna lay back down with J a while. When it came time to get up we wrestled with one another a bit, and i came on to him as hard as i could. He eventually relented and let me rub his cock through his underwear and finally even suck it a tiny bit. But, J just doesn’t do sex first thing in the morning. He can never cum.
Finally though, he said something casual about smacking me and i latched onto it and begged him to. He had me lay on the bed and went and fetched the flogger. It was heaven. i lay still and floated through the first 98 strokes, but on the 99th it ripped across my shoulder blades and i arched onto my side. He made me roll over for one more stroke and then used the vibrator (STILL BROKEN, dammit) to make me cum.
All in all it was a very nice way to start the day.

MORE MORE MORE!

So, up and down and all around i go. Good days, bad days, terrible days, and everything in between. i can’t seem to find my equilibrium. J called and made me an appointment with a shrink. i go next week. It will be a relief, i think, although i hate the thought of starting meds again. It makes you so tired.
i am not getting much in the way of spankings and floggings lately. And, i’ve turned into a total wuss. This becomes a nasty cycle and breaking it is most unpleasant. But, i am definitely feeling the lack of discipline. i actually asked him to fuck me in the ass today. He said he would when he gets home from work. We shall see. What would suit me fine, is to be bound and gagged so i can’t protest or squirm away and worn out with every impact implement in the house. Then fucked in every orifice while i am limp and defenseless. i think that would straighten me out a good bit.
So… my house is nice and clean, i have been making scrumptious meals, and i am not getting it enough. Those are the big updates.

Just a Yummy Tuesday

So, i have once again begged for a spanking, and then pussed out when i got one. In my defense it was not entirely my fault. i actually asked for a flogging, which i enjoy. But, J pulled out that evil little paddle instead. i was scared of it and whiney and i squirmed around and begged until he got tired of it and whapped me harder than hell. OUCH dammit!
At that point we were just moving into what looked like good sex when Vanessa had to knock on the door. She had brought along Hostetter and so no sex for us this afternoon. Soon enough Brad showed up and we were both left frustrated.
But, later Brad went to bed like a good boy and then J and i were able to have some time alone together. He let me kneel in front of him while he relaxed in the chair. At first he would only let me rub my face on it through his underwear. i wanted to taste his satiny flesh so bad. i swear, my mouth watered. Finally he pulled it out, but still wouldn’t let me lick or suck it. He did let me rub my face against it though. There is no skin finer or more beautiful than the skin of J’s cock. Rubbing my cheek over it is one of the most sensual pleasures i can think of. Delicious.
And, at long last, he let me begin to use my mouth. First i kissed it softly, and stroked it with my partially open lips. When i felt it begin to tremble with need, i leaned down and forced its length directly down my throat. Oh! Bliss! i spent a good amount of time fucking him with my throat. It was heaven.
Then, he told me to go get on the bed. As i stood up, he pulled my (now too big YAY) nightgown down from my shoulders. It fell off easily and i left it in a puddle as i hurried to the bed. Instead of crawling up in the center and waiting for a commands as i usually do, i perched on the edge of the bed, hoping J would let me taste his cock again. And, it worked! He stood in front of me and i took his cock deep in my throat. i gently caressed his balls as he built a steady rhythm fucking my throat. i was so wildly turned on, this time when he pulled away, i was glad to hear him say, “I want your cunt now.”
He was inside me in seconds. It hurt, as it always does, but somehow… this time, i was just so over the top turned on i just pushed past it and was responding immediately. The more he fucked the more i wanted. i came 4 times while he fucked me on my back. Holding my ankles up and driving his cock so deep into my cunt. Shuddering i lay under him and felt the waves of pain and pleasure roll over me again and again.
Then he wanted me on my knees. He rode me until i had yet another orgasm and then was still. Demanding with his motionlessness, that i service him. i pumped my hips rhythmically until he clutched me and thrust forward into me until it was nearly unbearable and made that beautiful soft sound that accompanies his ultimate pleasure. i love that sound, its one of the things that makes life worth living.
Awesome sex…
And, a bonus. J and i have both lost weight. i could feel the difference this time. There seemed to be more room for everything we did. Especially when he used me on my knees. What an awesome thing… to have lost enough that our sex life is affected. YAY!

Another Taggy Thingy

So, the lovey Lady Calliah hit me with this one. Go hide now folks, i’m gonna be handing out the tags.

A Lifetime
10 Years Ago, i was looking for a place to rent with J, since we were both staying with his mom.

5 Years Ago, my mother died.

1 Year Ago, i was gearing up for another trip to the loony bin.

Yesterday, i was sick and depressed.

Today, i feel a little better.

Tomorrow, things had better be different.

5 Snacks I Enjoy: Q-smar bars, carbsmart fudge bars, deviled eggs, hotdogs, pork rinds (yeah yeah Lady C, i like em )

5 Songs I Know all the Words to, Even Without the Music: Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton, Rooster by Alice in Chains, Under My Thumb by The Rolling Stones, Boogie Woogie Wu by The Insane Clown Posse, and Family Portrait by Pink

5 Things I Would Do With $100,000,000: Okay, so you couldn’t do all of this for only a million dollars, but screw it, its my fantasy. 1) Buy a house for: Marcie, Vanessa, Iris, Jenny, Franklin, J’s mom, J’s dad, and US 2) Cars for all those same people plus Hotrod 3) Pay for college courses for anyone in my family that wanted to go 4) Give my father 500,000 bucks for every penny he ever gave me with interest 5) J never have to go back to that horrible job.

5 Locations I`d Like to Run Away To: Scotland, Australia (Caz, am i still welcome?), North Carolina, Goshen Pass, the damn resort i pay for and have never gotten to use once

5 Bad Habits I Have: Smoke, Curse too much, Cutting, Eat for comfort, Hiding in the bathroom when my kids are driving me nuts

5 Things I like Doing: Being swatted (or other BDSM type stuff) for fun, graphics design, reading blogs, reading, hanging out with my family

5 Things I Would Never Wear: bikini (i did when i was thin though), mid-drift tops, polyester, Fire and Ice perfume (it makes me sneeze), and “daisy duke” shorts.

5 T.V. Shows I Like: That 70s Show, Law & Order, The Sopranos, Charmed, In a Fix

5 Movies I Like: Swept Away, The Ranch, The Notebook, Shrek 2, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

5 Famous People I’d like to Meet: hmmm… meet or fuck? i’m not sure who’d i’d actually want to meet for a conversation… let’s see…
John Travolta (bonus, he’s on my fuck list too) i’d like to hear what he has to say about scientology
Rosanne Barr (or whatever her name is now) i’ve heard she has DID too… i’d like to find out how the hell she managed to hold her life together and be so successful
Oprah, she’s just inspirational.
Ron White, i think he’d be fun to hang out with.
And, George Carlin… Just BECAUSE

5 Biggest Joys at the Moment: *sigh* well… its in the details… Brad’s smile, Kami’s look of wonder, the look J gets when he is in lust, being 2 dress sizes smaller, and my online buddies

5 Favorite Toys: The black flogger, the vibrator, the lube (i’m counting it, hush), clothespins, the yellow flogger

Now then. 5 people to tag.

Okay, we all know i suck at tagging. So i’m throwing myself on the mercy of these folks…
A Mere Girl, Nikki, Caz, luna, and Dawn. Come on… somebody… please?

Getting Back In The Swing Of Things

So, i hate when i can’t get time to come here more often. This will always be my retreat. So much is going on. i’m not sure i can even get it all in before Brad starts throwing a fit and drags me away from the computer, but i’m gonna give it my best shot.
i’ve been working on my house really hard lately. Its looking pretty good if i do say so myself. The only problem is, i spend sooo much time working on it, it leaves me little time for anything else. There has to be some kind of middle ground here. i don’t mind working on my house… but i want to have a life too. So, i have to find a balance. For my friends i’ve been neglecting lately, GP, Lady C, and the rest of you… i love you guys. Hang in with me please… i will get it together and figure out a way to do everything.
i am really doing well with changing my way of eating. (i am not saying diet, because this is a permanent change… i never want to have to live that way again) i have lost about 30 pounds and 2 dress sizes. i am thrilled. Now to keep it going. i still have a long damn way to go. And, best of all, with all of that, is the change it has made in J’s sugar. J is doing this with me, and his sugar is 100% better than it was. He has even stopped having to take his medication. We are going to stick with this. Period. It is extending his life every day we eat this way. That’s better than any mashed potato or chocolate cake.
J is working all the time. Doubling several days a week. i am hardly seeing him at all. We have managed to have sex like twice in the past two weeks, but both times were pretty quick and done with no fan fare at all. We are both exhausted and pressed for time. We both want each other desperately, but we are just too tired to do much. We gotta work on that.
Brad goes back to school tomorrow… thank god. He has reverted to being a total brat again. i don’t know what is wrong with him or what to do about it. i’m just trying to hang in and hang on until i have some peace and quiet and can at least consider the situation.

Today is father’s day. J had to work and i am really sick. i’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but i cannot talk at all and my chest hurts bad. i’m not running a fever though, so i am thinking i might try to get a sitter and give him something like what i gave him last father’s day. If that works out, i’ll be sure to tell you guys all about it.

Quick Update

So… i haven’t been blogging. Bad. Things are just in a whirlwind here. i am exhausted and everything is all screwy.
Our truck broke down. Which sucked. i had Brad and was out in my pjs. So, in the damn sweltering heat i was hauling Brad up the street, screaming and pulling my hair. It was a nightmare. But, we got the truck running again, if not totally fixed and we’ll recover.
i am flybabying my ass off. my house is looking pretty good these days. But, it is hard to find time to do everything. Especially since Brad seems to be in super brat mode again. i feel like i cannot cope sometimes.
And, i am still on my rag. J fucked me anyway today, but it was pretty much just a hard, painful, using fuck. i am hoping for more tomorrow, but don’t think i have much chance of that since he is pulling a double tomorrow. Eating and sleeping is likely to be all he is interested in.
i am about to can enetation. i don’t like it. i’ve found another i want to try. i WILL find the perfect commenting system.
And, i will eventually get J to beat me and fuck me again. In a delicious way.

Bad Timing

No sex. And now i have my rag. DAMMIT

J’s Ridiculous Idea

Whew. Okay… that was INTENSE. Lets start with the sex… i know ya’ll have been waiting. HA!
So… last night J and i were having this long talk about self worth and shame and ways to recover your pride and sense of self. It was a rather intense talk and i felt small and vulnerable. i had told him some things he never knew and i was worried about his reaction. He reassured me of his love, kissed me, held me. And, i started to relax. i still felt pretty vulnerable… but not depressed and dejected anymore.
Then he said he wanted to use me. Wanted to hurt me. Badly. Now… i (surprisingly enough) wasn’t much into it. But, i could see he was, so i tried. But, it just hurt so bad. J has never hurt me that bad by just fucking my cunt ever. But, i suppose part of that was that he was doing his level best to hurt me. In the end i was on my knees, face pressed into the bed sobbing as he rammed into me over and over. Then i curled into a ball and sobbed for a while.
And, J was filled with regret and remorse. He stroked me on my back and thigh and hip and apologized. And, finally i got it together enough to realize what he was saying. i scooted over to him and rubbed his leg.
“No, J, baby. No. i don’t want you to be sorry. Or upset. i love that you like to hurt me every now and then. Come on.”
But he was upset. He said that he worried that he was turning into a monster. That seeing me small and weak made him want to hurt me. And, he was ashamed. i, for once, had exactly the right natural reaction. i laughed. The idea of J being a monster was so ludicrous. i had to laugh. And, that jarred him, and he picked his head up and looked at me.
i told him, “J, honey, you are a sadist. You are married to a masochist. Where is the problem?”
This apparently reassured him enough to start talking again. He at least was looking at me now. Turns out the ball of sobbing mess i became when he was done was a large part of the problem. i didn’t know how to explain that i had been upset because i was afraid that maybe he thought i was a nasty disgusting whore and was punishing me. That idea isn’t about J. Its old shit. But, i was still worried about how he would take that. But, i figured, he had been honest with me, even though it must have been hard, so i owed him the same thing.
He reassured me that wasn’t the case, but was looking stricken again. i asked him what was wrong… and he said hurting my body was one thing… but he didn’t want to hurt me mentally or emotionally. That he never wanted to make my heart hurt. (How exactly, could this man ever be a monster?!?) Finally i reassured him on that point too. That i knew he didn’t. That he could kiss that better, just like everything else… because i knew he hadn’t meant to hurt me that way. Finally he was convinced.
i know i have said this before, but i told him. We are playing with fire. That’s what makes it hot and exciting. Every once in a while, one of us gets a little singed… but neither of us will ever burn the other. And, i don’t want to stop. He got it.
Then he got the vibrator out and gave me three orgasms with it. i was completely raw and it hurt like hell. i whimpered and whined, and wanted him to stop it… and yet… i didn’t. i came so hard. The idea of how he had hurt me. And, how it had excited him… excited me. And, J wove a web of threats, promises, and fantasy for me. Finally i lay on the bed panting and done.
Then i thought he’d go to bed. But we ended up fucking again. Hard, painful, make me scream because my cunt was, by this time, nothing but fiery hot agony. But, i did get off. Before i ended up on my knees sobbing again. This time he did at least pull out instead of the horrible way he usually shoves it to the hilt in me when he came. And, then i curled up. He tucked me in. Kissing, hugging, soothing me. And, i fell asleep, the agony between my legs, a lasting reminder of J’s love.

Changes Afoot

So… i’m doing some things different. my inaptitude as a housekeeper has been noted here. Bemoaned, lamented and wailed over. So, i am trying something new. That goddess, Lady Calliah, showed me the Flylady website. And, i’ve been working at it. So far its really helped a lot. i hereby proudly announce… i am a flybaby.
i’ve also mentioned that my ass is fat. HA! So, i tried the low carb thing last year, lost weight and did pretty good. Then i got locked up in the loony bin and that was the end of that. So we are doing it again. i am a low carbing flybaby.
A few other nice things: i got fucked twice yesterday. i came at least a half dozen times. Brad has gotten out of school, and been an absolute angel. i think the cycle has ended. And i got flogged. Super intense flogging. OUCH and YUM.
So… i know i’ve skimped on my usual details here, but i have sooo much to do. If i can get it again today, i’ll write in more detail. For now… here’s the cliffnotes. i’m a low carbing flybaby, happy masochistic slut!