Breaking in the Commitment

So, to both of us, this new mark is a huge commitment and final surrender on my part. i will wear J’s mark until i die. For me it is a turn on. He says its not for him, but the most complete ownership. i had a kind of lousy day, i don’t know why, i just did. And, although i wanted J, i just couldn’t get in the mood tonight. But, he didn’t let that stop us.
He made our dinner, (have i ever mentioned what a good cook J is? Truly scrumptious) then took me to bed. He cuddled with me a little while, and then suddenly flipped me on my stomach. He brought his face close to his mark then shoved fingers roughly into my cunt and his thumb into my ass. It was horribly painful because i was tense and unready. i whimpered beneath him as he ground his fingers into my most sensitive spots. He brought his other hand up and jerked my head up by my hair.
“You are mine. MINE. I’m going to use you. You are going to take my cock in your cunt, and my seed in your face. Aren’t you?”
i gasped that i was, still squirming under the pressure in my hair and the pain in my holes. Suddenly he jerked away, and i dropped to the pillows in relief for a second before noticing him on his knees next to me, brandishing his rock hard cock.
“Suck it whore. Service my cock.”
i turned and took him into my throat with enthusiasm. No matter what, i always love to suck J. i cupped his balls gently in my hand and worked my mouth and throat up and down his shaft. my tongue lovingly caressed him as i took him as deep as possible. Then he was pumping his hips, fucking my throat.
Soon enough he wanted to fuck. He pushed me away from his cock and grabbed my leg, dragging me into position. He shoved into me rough and i cried out. my pussy just wasn’t cooperating and i wasn’t moist enough, and i was extra tight with tension. He rode me several long minutes then pulled off. He pushed on my arm and i moved out of his way.
He flopped onto his back and i automatically went to his cock. Ready to suck again. i slurped him into my throat tasting my own juices on him. i sucked him deep into my throat and bobbed up and down, licking and sluping to give him the maximum amount of pleasure. Much too soon, he was dragging me away.
“Ride me.”
i climbed on him and took his length deep in me. First i tried to ride him in the way that gets me hot. But, i quickly saw it was no good, i just wasn’t going to be able to cum. So i switched to the stroke that he likes the best. He closed his eyes in pleasure, and the look on his face made me warm with happiness. i whispered that i couldn’t, and he said it was okay.
Then he put his hands on my hips to still me.
“I want to look at it while I fuck you.”
So i got on my knees and held my ass high in the air. He plunged into me and rode me hard, drawing cries of pain from me. Then he was still, silently demanding service. So i pumped my hips and drug my tight pussy up and down the length of his cock. Faster and faster, harder and harder, grimacing with the pain. Eventually his fingers dug into my hips and he was thrusting against me. Meeting my every stroke with his own. He reached up and jerked my head back with my hair again.
“MINE. You are MINE.”
And, although i was in a great deal of discomfort, it warmed me. i felt his ownership. i felt the security of being completely his. i redoubled my efforts to please him. After a long while he climbed off me.
He put me back on my back and pulled my ankles far up over his shoulders. Then he made me slide him into me. Soon he was pounding me furiously. He made me grab my ankles and hold them. i could only cry out and whimper. Now longer in a world where a thing like sound mattered. Finally he pumped his seed deep deep inside and continued to make small thrusts as he rode his intense orgasm to its completion.
Afterwards i was a bit skittish for a few minutes. As i often get when the sex is very painful and i don’t get off. Then he simply held me. Telling me he loved me and that my mouth tasted sweet. Finally i relaxed against him and drifted on the cloud of happiness i had found. He went and started his bathwater and got the vibrator. i balked a bit and he ordered me to open my legs in his most stern voice.
All will to resist fled and i gave in. Then he used the vibrator to make me cum. Hard.
Now he is taking his bath. And, i am writing this. Then i suppose we will go to bed. Both knowing. i am completely his.

Marked

i got my tat. Brad’s respite care worker took a picture and is supposed to send it to me. When i get it, i’ll ask J if i can post it here.
It was a great experience. The artist i chose was very nice and worked patiently. He answered all my questions and concerns and made small talk, which put me at ease. Baring most of my fat ass was hard, but he handled it in such a manner that i couldn’t stay embarrassed. The studio was very nice and professional. And, my tat turned out GREAT!
i am proud to wear it. Proud to have such a beautiful expression of my commitment to J, and his ownership of me. This is my fifth tattoo, and my favorite. i love it more than all the others combined.
The only bad thing about the whole experience was it made me want J so bad, and we couldn’t have sex. It didn’t hurt much, just enough to make me feel a tingle between my thighs. But, when i looked over at J, waiting for the man to finish, and thought of what was being inked onto my back, i felt my cunt clench. i spent the rest of the day sexually frustrated. And, i still am. We’ve had no time alone together. And i want J!

A Licking Epiphany

So yesterday was our 8th wedding anniversary. We are flat broke so we didn’t go out or anything. We are having our official celebration on Saturday. But, we did send Brad with his respite worker for some alone time. i asked for a big scene, but didn’t really get it. What i got instead was oral sex.
my regular readers know i have extreme issues with oral sex. So much so, i was not going to post this at all. Not sucking cock, i love that. But, being licked is hard for me. It just feels wrong to me. We’ll come back to my issues around oral sex in a minute.
Once a year, at least, J makes me submit to a licking. On our anniversary. He likes to give me pleasure that way. But, its so hard for me. i loved it while he was doing it. His beard was whiskery on my sensitive skin, and left me raw. He is really quite good at it, and i came hard. Then me did it again, but with his fingers in my ass. Before he was done i actually reached down, grabbed his head and pulled it closer to my cunt. And then i had an earth shattering orgasm. And, then, immediately, the guilt, and disgust, and self-loathing, and shame set in. And, i sobbed.
“i’m sorry, baby, i’m so sorry.” And, i know i should shut up. But i couldn’t help it, the words kept pouring out of my mouth. i’m sorry, i’m sorry.
i was still aroused and after J finally gave up on calming me down with words, he began to fuck me. i came again at least twice, but couldn’t stop the tears. Finally he shuddered as i milked his orgasm from him. His cum calmed me a tiny bit, but i still couldn’t help saying i was sorry one more time.
He took me in his arms and held me close.
“Baby, this is about us. No one but us. I don’t care what they taught you, I like to do it. I like you to cum. I like you to like it.”
And, i was still thinking about this when we went into the bathroom. i snuck in and stole his bathwater first, and he sat on the toilet talking to me while i bathed. And, that was when i had my epiphany. i’ve always felt that sex is one thing i do well at. But, i am not really having sex. i kind of think of myself as a masturbatory device for my partner. Men, women, everyone i’ve ever slept with, i’ve been interested only in their feelings, their pleasure, their orgasm. i cannot take pleasure for myself. Pleasure that is a bi-product of my partner’s pleasure is okay. But, when i try to have something for myself… like oral sex… i just freak out.
i don’t know what this means. i’m still processing it. But, i do know that its an ugly thought to have about yourself. Am i nothing more than a very sophisticated blow up doll? Who wants to fuck that? But, the thought of seeing things for myself still makes me feel ill. So i am at an impasse.
J says he likes me fine as i am. But… i am not so sure. i mean… is he really going to say, its like fucking a whore? *sigh* i’m going to leave it for now… but don’t be surprised if i come back to this later.

The shark, J vs the killer bees, and other cool stuff

So. Dance with me. The bitches have asked for another meeting to discuss the respite. Already. my lawyer is FANTABULOUS. We met her today. Not only is she doing the case pro bono (thank GOODNESS) she has struck fear into the hearts of my tormentors. The bitches. YAY YAY YAY. We are a long way from out of the woods. But, i think i see some light.
J and i are painting the house. And, its time now to divulge J’s big fear. Bees. The man is terrified of bees. So today he got into a bunch of them. At one time i looked up and there were three bees swarming around me. The little fuckers must sense fear because not a single one bothered me. Finally he killed one, smacking it down with his paint brush and finally stomping it to death. i didn’t laugh, but it was a near thing.
i designed this yesterday with the help of my friend, GT.

She was very helpful, and after several drafts i arrived at exactly what i wanted. i have contacted an artist whose portfolio i browsed and sent him the design. We will speak more tomorrow, but i think he’s gonna do it for me Friday. i’m excited about it. i’ve wanted J’s mark for so long. i am not the least bit afraid of the commitment, and excited he has finally given me his permission. YAY.
All in all, the word for the day is YAY!

Bitching and a Plea for Help

So, once again Brad’s respite hours have been cut. This is enough to drive you crazy and since i’m already there, its just not good. Care to know what happened this time? We don’t have call waiting. Can you believe that? His hours were cut because we are difficult to reach by phone. First of all… if they want to pay for call waiting for me, that’d be great. Secondly, how is it helpful to Beau to punish us all for being poor? These fuckers.
We got a lawyer. We got a parent advocate. We have one pissed off mom and dad. Let’s see what happens now. Things should get interesting. So long as i don’t choke the fuck out of any of these bitches. i’m already worried J will get arrested for curse and abuse.

On another note, any kink aware professional tattoo artists in Virginia? That’s what i’m getting for my anniversary, which is Tuesday. Either my screwed up tat fixed, or the J i’ve always wanted in the small of my back. YAY. If you know any body, please let me know. The guy who screwed my last one up is not doing it, and the guy who did the rest of mine retired. i need HELP!

Happy Endings

So… today was a rough day. Marcie showed up and got me out of bed before the alarm went off. Then i absolutely busted ass on my house. It looks great again though. i broke the back lid of my toilet and cut my hand trying to pick up the pieces. But, at least the damn thing is clean and shiny.
Brad went back to school and was so happy to go. And, he lost his first tooth today. my baby boy is growing up. He was so good this evening. He likes being back in school.
J and i went to the city i weigh in to see about getting J a smaller truck that would be easier on gas. It didn’t work out to both of our great disappointment. Then we realized we had forgotten the money here at home we needed to pay off our loan. It had to be paid today or we would incur a hefty interest charge so we had to drive all the way back home and get it and then go back up.
But, J decided to spoil me and i got 4 new bras and a new outfit for the concert we are going to on the 31st. i like them all a lot. This is the most bras i have ever owned at one time in my entire life. i’m loving it.
But, the night was the best part. i noticed J watching porn as i tried to get caught up on my online obligations. i went to investigate and ended up on my knees sucking his cock. He drug me to the bed and pounded me unmercifully making me cum 8 or 9 times in the process. Oh god. That man is hopelessly delicious.

Lucky Break

i am dancing. i got some!! This morning, J used me. No whipping, but FANTASTIC sex. And it took him forever to cum. Yummy. So… i should be happily posting away a scene soon. He said i would get one soon.

Movie Reviews

So… as you can tell… i’m not getting it. *sigh* Poor me. Since i cannot report being whipped and fucked… let’s talk movies.

Tonight J and i watched Ladder 49. This movie was excellent. i loved it. If you enjoy movies with a lot of action that also have heart and a strong plot. Give this a try. Joaquin Phoenix is at the top of his game in this movie, not to mention my very fav, John Travolta. You will be humbled. You may cry.

Also, on the 4th J and i went to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith. This is a must see. Its a little corny, but who gives a fuck when you get to watch Angelina Jolie strut around in leather and use a riding crop? Not to mention Brad Pitt. In the same movie. To hell with porn, i’m buying this when it comes out on DVD.
Incidentally, its also a pretty good movie despite the cheesiness. Funny, action packed, sexy, romantic. And as a bonus, shit blows up. YAY!

So there. i didn’t ruin either movie for you… but there are two new ones i recommend.

ps… i reserved my copy of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince today. *Dances*

Soapboxing Again

First of all, my heart goes out to all of my British friends and readers. (And, everyone else as well.) i am shocked and horrified by today’s events. i can’t think of anything profound, helpful, or even meaningful to say. Only i’m so sorry this happened. And, my thoughts are with the victims, their families, and the entire country as they attempt to recover from this horrible tragedy.

Now… moving on to something completely different.

On Sunday J and i got Dish Network. Since then i have been shocked and disgusted by the assholification of America. What is it with these shows that glorify people who are rude, insensitive, mean, and just flat out unpleasant??
i watched American Choppers in horror and witnessed a man berate his sons and even strike one of them. This is behavior i would have cringed at if seen in public, and would have thrown the offender out of my house if it occurred here. But, it is a show that comes on regularly and is found entertaining. Since then i’ve even seen a commercial where the man strikes his son for showing compassion. This is funny? This is okay? WHAT THE FUCK?
And, it isn’t just this one show. Its a damn epidemic. Hell’s Kitchen, The Weakest Link, American Idol, Judge Judy, and the list goes on and on. i am not certainly no Emily Post, but this trend absolutely sickens me.
Janet Jackson’s boob popped out and it became a huge big deal. But no one sees a problem with these things? Well, i’ll tell you folks, i think i’d rather my kids watch Janet’s boobs than this crap! Being mean and vicious is not okay. Its not cool. Its not acceptable. And, we need to put a stop to this time of programming.
The thought of the kids that are watching this, thinking this is the way to behave makes me feel like crying.

White Hot

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Yesterday around noon J told me that he would use me last night. Hard, no mercy. i spent the day in nervous anticipation. Torn between wanting it so desperately i occasionally had to press my thighs together for a moment, my sex ached so bad, and being terrified. J has never really pushed me past my limitations before. And, since his list of things to lay out for him included both something to tie my hands with and a gag… i knew he intended to push.
He went to work and i ran around all day, doing various chores. Marcie turned 43 yesterday and i took her a gift and i paid some bills. i finally arrived back home last night at damn near 9 o’clock. Then i had the house to clean, dinner to cook, me to prepare, the toys to lay out, and Brad to pop into bed. i ran around like a mad woman. J foiled me by coming home about 20 minutes early, and i was still in the tub. i had already done everything else though, and dinner was just coming out of the oven when i got out. J told me not to fix the plates, but leave everything warming in the oven and go to the bedroom.
i was shocked. i had expected him to eat first. i suddenly felt like things were moving extremely fast. my legs trembled as i entered the bedroom and looked at the lineup of tools i had prepared for J. He smiled at my set up. i had placed pillows on a laundry basket and laid a towel over it. On that i had put the vibrator, the lube, the butt plug (the way too big one), the rope, 2 clothespins, the flogger, the paddle, and the clip he uses on my clit. It was a shiver worthy display.
He let me keep my nightie on (really just a filmy whisper of a thing) but pulled it up to expose my ass and down to expose my upper back. Then i lay across the foot of the bed face down. He tied my wrists to the leg of the bed while chatting with me. i tried to relax and listen to what he was saying but my heart kept creeping up into my throat. Still being very pleasant he picked up the ball gag and strapped it into my mouth extremely tight. Then he said, “Ready?”
i couldn’t say anything, so i only nodded. It was with relief i saw him pick up the flogger. i can take that easiest. i have no idea how many strokes i got. It seemed to me he was swinging way harder than usual and i lost the ability to count on the 35th stroke. i handled them well though, and felt like i was floating. i never wiggled, squirmed or thrashed… but i did whine into my gag a bit. Finally, he stopped. i watched him walk over to his instruments and felt a shiver of dread. i just knew he would pick up the paddle then. But, he didn’t. Instead he got the lube, the butt plug, the vibrator, and the clip. i wasn’t sure if i was relieved or not.
Then he was out of my line of vision again. He grasped my ankles and pulled my legs wide open. i felt the clip bite into me, but he didn’t get my clit.. only my inner lips. i counted myself lucky. Then i felt him pour a bit of lube on my ass. After he had worked his finger into me, i arched my hips up to make things easier for him. He pulled his hand away and i heard him lubing the butt plug. i knew it was going to hurt. i wanted it to hurt. i was in a state of high lust.
And, i got my wish. It did hurt. By the time he got it all the way in, i was moaning into the gag and whimpering. The he roughly shoved the vibe into my cunt. It was excruciating because of the clip on my pussy lips. The combination of the butt plug and vibrator and clip made me feel overstuffed. i found myself sucking the ball gag. The part of the vibe that rubs my clit still works so he switched that on. And, soon, i was moaning and bucking.
And, that was when he picked up the paddle. i tried to be good about it, but i swear i have turned into a total wuss about that thing. Soon i was squirming, as each fiery smack connected with my sensitive butt. Before he was done i was shrieking into the gag, fighting the rope and twisting away. When he would stop a minute i would regain control of myself and force myself back down. But, when he started again, it would become too much for me very quickly. Finally, after i had started to cry, he put the paddle back. He opened my top drawer, and drew out more rope. He came over and flicked the control on the vibe to high (which i find a bit painful, but definitely stimulating) and then tied my legs together. Then he left me there.
i am embarrassed of masturbating. i rarely do it. It humiliates me horribly. And, of course, that was J’s intention. Before long i couldn’t endure anymore, and i was rocking my hips and riding the vibe. i could feel the butt plug buried deep in my ass, being tugged around as i moved. That just turned me on more. And, finally i had an absolutely mind blowing orgasm. i was still laying there slightly numb when J returned.
He asked me if i had cum and i nodded weakly. He came to the bed and untied my legs. Then he pulled the vibrator out of me and took away the clip. He smacked my ass lightly then stood up.
“I just want you to know, I am far from done with you.” he said.
Then he untied my hands and helped me off the bed. i staggered a bit, but finally made it in the other room. And, we had dinner. And, it was damn good if i do say so myself. i was uncomfortably aware of the plug up my ass, and ultra nervous about what was to come, but i felt more relaxed than i have been in months.
Very soon, J pushed his plate away and stood up.
“Time to get back to work,” he joked.
He led me back to the bed and this time had me lay face up. He tied my arms over my head again. Then he scared me very badly.
“I want to use your mouth before I put the gag in. I’m sure you are going to scream.”
Then he put the clothespins on my nipples. He got it on my right nipple crooked and had to reclamp it over and over again. i was whimpering and squirming by the time he was satisfied.
Finally he crawled onto the bed and let me lick his cock and balls. Delicious. i greedily slurped and sucked and licked and tongued. Forgetting all of my discomfort and becoming outrageously turned on. Then he slid back, slid his cock down my throat and fucked my throat. It was terrifying because i had no way to let him know if i wasn’t able to breath, but he kept a close eye on me and it was fine. Finally, he pulled away and stood up. i looked up over my head at his raging hard on. i was throbbing with lust.
He grabbed my ankles and yanked my legs wide. i squirmed. He rubbed my clit roughly a minute then shoved his cock hard into my pussy. Just before i could cum he pulled out. He reached down and jerked the butt plug out of my ass, making me howl. Then he shoved his cock in and grabbed my ankles. He fucked me outrageously hard. i could only moan. It felt like i was being torn apart. It was delicious. But, i couldn’t quite cum.
Finally, he pumped his cum into me hard and fast.
i was laying there limp when he picked up the vibe and went to wash it off. He returned and shoved it into my cunt. He flipped it on high, and pushed my legs together. This time i was too turned on to feel any shame and i humped at it and tightened my muscles until i fucked up and pushed it out of me.
He laughed at my frustrated grunts. He put it back in me, and then shoved it against my clit so hard i shrieked into the gag. And, he held it there. I squirmed, begged with my eyes, and moaned. But, finally he relented. And used it to bring me to orgasm. Then jammed against my clit again. And held it there. And wouldn’t relent. i could see the lust lurking in his eyes as he watched me jerk and thrash and shriek.
“Cum like this, and i’ll let you go.”
It took forever. my clit is raw, but i did it. i finally came explosively.
Then he untied me and we cuddled for a while.

i feel pretty damn good!