Feeling Alive

i was feeling bad today, caught up in old shit and just depressed. So J and i were laying in bed cuddling and when he was unable to cheer me up he told me to get him the whip.
Our new whip is a little smaller stiffer and more knotted than the old one. In other words, i’m not handling it well yet. But, this time was different. The strokes couldn’t come hard enough or fast enough for me. i felt so depressed and isolated. i was desperate to feel something. Anything.
i lay still so that J wouldn’t get the impression he was hurting me too much. i wanted more. But, he misinterpreted my calm demeanor for lack of interest and had me put the whip away. i tried to explain what was going on with me to him. That i just felt numb and so far within myself that even the pain wasn’t reaching me.
So he got the paddle out that time. That is my least favorite implement. i have the hardest time handling it. It seems silly. Surely the crop that has broken the skin, the whip that has left nasty looking scrape type things that look like fingernail gashes… surely those should be worse. But, for me they aren’t. Hands down, i hate that fucking paddle.
But, soon enough i felt it. And, soon after that i felt alive again. Now he is gone to work and the effects are starting to wear off. Even my love and dedication to Brad doesn’t pull me out of it when i’m like this. It takes a strong hand.
So i’m counting the hours till J returns.

Slippery Slope

J and i were starting to slip into that place where we take one another for granted. Then we had an emotional evening on Thursday that left me rather weak and defenseless and him feeling overprotective. Although it was a nasty night, i’m glad we had it, because things are now much better between us.
Our sex life is usually a good indicator of the health of our relationship at any given time. If we aren’t making time to fuck, there is something wrong. But, that is much better. i’m pretty much fucked raw and happily anticipating more tonight.
Brad’s home program has started. i’m absolutely AMAZED by the stuff he can do. Using his PECs book, pouring his own pop, cleaning up after himself. YAY Brad! He is also very happy now that he is back in school and much easier to manage. my poor baby was just bored and lonely i think.
i hate that i’m not getting here to blog more often. But, honestly, its because i am feeling very strange. i can’t seem to express how i feel. Disconnected and shut down mainly, and because i cannot find the words to say how i feel, i don’t write. But, this has gone on long enough. i love this blog and i will not see it stagnate.
So here i am. i don’t know what’s going on with me. i only know i mostly feel frustrated and on edge. my heart is always quick to jump into my throat and i look over my shoulder searching for an unseen threat. There is never anything there. But, i hear danger. i hear it in the gathering silence.
i’ve not yet slid over the edge. But, i haven’t managed to drag myself as far back from it as i would like either. Working on it. Working hard.

Bitches Win

So, they will not budge. They won’t cover the extra hours this month, and they waited too late for me to appeal their decision. Coincidence? i think not.
It is pouring here. Fuck everything. i’m sliding over the edge.

The Drought Ends

Friday, August 19, 2005

So, i got laid. And, it was fantastic.
Things are total chaos here, and i don’t really have time this second to post properly. But, i’m sick of looking at that bad sex post… so here is something else for now.
i got laid, and i came. A lot. WHOO HOO

Bad Sex

So, its inevitable. Every so often, everyone has sex that’s just not good. i think what went wrong was that i had given up on the idea of sex before J showed any interest. i was embarrassed and i just wanted to get away from him. In the end i was on the bed on my knees sobbing as he pounded me doggy style, completely unaware that these tears were any different from the ones i often cry when its intense.
Sounds hot, but it wasn’t. And, now i have my rag. Dammit. You know, he used to would fuck me when i had my period, but stopped like last year. i don’t know why. i just know i have a long week of no sex coming up. Double dammit.

The Art of Seduction

my sex is throbbing. i am so horribly frustrated i could just scream. i NEED some. i tried to get J to fuck me today, but he wouldn’t because the guy was here painting the house. i promised to be quiet and he laughed at me. i guess i’m not very good at being quiet.
Tonight i intend to have the house sparkling clean, dinner ready, and to be wearing the sexiest lingerie i own. Usually i can’t take the shame of throwing myself at him. But, this calls for desperate measures. i intend to throw myself as hard as i can.
Wish me luck.

Weirdo? me?

So the lovely magdala has tagged me to list 5 idiosyncrasies. Its hard to narrow it down to five, but here ya go.

1) i am a smoker who HATES cigarette smoke. Nothing drives me crazier than to be trapped in the car with some idiot smoking with the windows up. i also either smoke outside or spray the house constantly with a deodorizer. Smoke sucks.

2) i eat my meals one food at a time. All of my meat, then all of one veggie, then all of the other. i don’t like things to touch on my plate either.

3) i am not scared of bees which will hurt you, but i’m terrified of bugs like roaches that won’t. i know, i know.

4) When i am sick at the stomach i crave liquor. Makes no sense what so ever. But, it always seems like it would make me feel better. Trust me, it doesn’t.

5) i like to paint my fingernails, but i hate to wear nail polish. After about five minutes my fingers feel funny and i have to take it off.

So there. i’m a total weirdo.

i tag:

Lady Calliah

Nikki

mija

kitty

and Lili (Since i always leave you out of these things, honey. Plus i think yours would be interesting.)

Pulling myself Together

So, i am up very early for me. i am sitting here with my cup of coffee and my cigarette, and i’m so much calmer. Things are still a mess, but i have decided that loosing my mind is not going to help. Now, don’t get me wrong, i always KNOW that loosing my mind isn’t going to help, but i can’t seem to stop myself. Not this time.
This time there will be no cutting, no trips to the funny farm, no going off the deep end. i have worked too damn hard to have some peace and serenity in my life, and i am not going to loose it. i refuse to let my life keep cycling down the drain. No more cheating on my diet, (i had beer and deep fried food, dammit) no more anxiety attacks, and no more puking. i’m not exactly sure how i’m going to pull this off. By actually talking to my friends (thanks GT, Lady C, GP, Nikki, Lili, you guys know who you are) and using the skills i have learned during my countless hospitalizations. By blogging. By hanging on to those routines. By continuing my diet and fitness regimen so that i feel good in my body. By not giving up.
i will whether this storm. And, the ones that come afterwards. i don’t know why i get so many curveballs. But, focusing on that doesn’t help a fucking thing. In poker you can win with a shitty hand if you know what you are doing. And, dammit, i am learning what i am doing. And, i AM GOING TO BE OKAY.
The situation with Brad still isn’t resolved. But, we are working towards a resolution. Franklin is in jail, and probably is going to have to sit there until his court date in September. But, you know, he did that to himself. He is not a victim, and i don’t think bailing his ass out is doing him any favors. i might try hard to do it, if the circumstances were different, but as things stand… i think its time he learned his actions have a consequence. i cannot save the world. i also have a bit of a situation with Kami. Its hard, but i will get that resolved too. There is no stopping me. i am going to improve my life.
FUCK YOU FATE. i don’t care what you have in store for me. i will handle it. i will not become one of those people who get shaken off the mortal coil by continuous drama. Fuck the drama. In the end, i’ll still be standing. Just as i am now. i may get unsteady, i may fall on my ass time to time. But, i’ll always get back up. i’ll always keep fighting. And, i won’t ever give up and roll over. So fuck you fate, and your shitty cards. i’ll just learn to play a different game.

Bitches 54, angel 0

So fuck. The meeting was today. And, in the end, they wouldn’t make a decision yet. They said, wait until we have complete information. So they said they’d get back to me in two days. Yeah right. i bet its at least a week. We are going to end up having to go to court over this. The worthless asswipes.
i don’t know what’s going to happen. The guy didn’t show up to buy our car either. Money i was planning on using to pay our respite care worker this month. In short, i’m fucked.
So Trina came over and i drank a few beers. Still felt crazy so i took a couple of valium. Fuck it. Everything still sucks, at the moment, i just am not hysterical.
To hell with everything.