Life Goes On

So… i finally got better from that cobblamogus i had. Then i got a kidney stone, which i finally passed last night. Not fun, let me tell you.
Brad is driving me nuts. He has been in hella brat mode for a while now. i have no idea what is going on with him. Maybe his teeth hurt? i don’t know. Bottomline, he’s driving me fucking nuts.
i got totally off track with flying and low carbing. i’m working on getting back on track now. Tomorrow i will be flying from 12-2 and i’m hoping some of the other flybabies will be around too. Its hard to get yourself picked back up, but i simply must do so. i feel like my control of my life has just fallen completely apart. Brad and J deserve better. Kami deserves better. And, dammit, i deserve better. So that’s it and that’s all. i’m reeling this in before it gets any worse.
Vanessa is having her commitment ceremony this weekend and i am officiating. That should be interesting. It will be hard to resist the temptation not to add vows that Polly Pedicure will quit being such a complete prick. HEHE.
At any rate, life goes on at casa J and angel.

A New J

i’ve been having an very hard time lately and so J has been keeping me on an extremely short leash. It feels good. Its been a long time since i have been this firmly under his thumb.
He’s different. i can’t completely explain it, but he’s different. Not in a bad way. Not necessarily in a good way either. Just different. It’s odd. We’ve been messing around so much with so many other things and not turned towards each other for so long… J has evolved (as we all naturally do) and i missed it. So i am getting to know this new incarnation of my husband and master.
This man has no issue with being cruel. He has no issue with being kind. He has a level of confidence i’ve never known J to possess. He is more self reliant. The worry about his enjoyment in subjugating the love of his life has disappeared, and he has fully accepted my need for subjugation.
In some ways i always felt that i was dragging him towards D/s. i always felt that he could take it or leave it and we lived this way because it worked best for me. That feeling is gone. i feel like a kite now. i can soar high on my submission and slavery because i know he has a firm hand on the string. In the past i was always a little frightened to truly let go because i was always afraid he would let me go and i would be alone and crashing. That happened once and it took me a long time to recover from it. But, this new J is so… there. i know he isn’t going anywhere.
Its a comfort. This man can handle me. i know he can. All of my craziness and faults and flaws. He sees them. This man misses nothing. But, he has accepted them as part of me, and he has taken me for his. There is no more need for me to worry or second guess that.
i am me. Imperfect, flawed, screwed up. But, he has taken me in all my faulty glory and has tucked me under his wing. i am his. And, i am free to be that person, because he chose me. Just as i am.
You know… maybe i’m not as screwed up as i thought i was. i must be doing something right.

And, btw… i have bruises again. Oh how i’ve missed that.

Another Rambling Self Analysis

So. J did rip and tear and leave me aching. So i can think again, somewhat more clearly.

i feel like i am on the verge of some sort of major breakthrough. Long discussion with GP has made me realize that i probably won’t be able to get all the way to the goal on reasoning alone. In the end, there is a leap of faith involved, and i don’t know if i’m at that point yet. But lets look at the pieces of logic i’m struggling with anyway, shall we?

The first is my periodic panic that J doesn’t love me, can’t love me, is about to leave, blah blah blah. i don’t believe that this is actually caused by any difference in J or his feelings for me. i believe that i have always equated love with pain and sacrifice and suffering on my part. Not on any conscious level, but down deep where it really counts. And, when a long time goes by without any of that… i start to feel that he cannot love me. And, the panic sets in.

Some time back i talked about how i objectify myself during sex. i don’t think i truly grasped this even then, but it was progress. i think, for my whole life, i have objectified myself, period. If i am not actively doing something to make others love me, they cannot. J is where this is the hardest, because his love is the most important to me, but i see this in lesser degrees in every single one of my relationships. my overwhelming need to be pleasing and useful. Being pleasing and useful isn’t a bad thing. Its a part of who i am, and i have no desire to change that entirely. Feeling unworthy and unloveable if i cannot find a use for myself has to go though. Not sure how to do it… but this is something i have struggled with my entire life without even knowing what the problem was. Now that i do, finally, perhaps i can find ways to change it.

Second is my constant fear and worry that i am somehow hurting the people i love just by loving them. Or at least by letting them love me. First of all, before you start howling about how ridiculous this is, hear me out. i have a lot of demons and they often splash onto my loved ones. For example, i scream the whole household awake at least once a month. That has to get old.
But, the thing is… i think everyone has baggage. You cannot make it through this crazy dance called life without it. Maybe my luggage is a little more cumbersome than most folks… but, i’m not sure that makes me unworthy of love.
Honestly, i think that what has always made me feel like that is that i continue to see myself in this objectified negative way. Actually, i think there really is no need to go on any farther with these points of logic. Because it all comes down to that at some point.

In the end, all roads lead to that. i have to find the one that leads away from it. i have to find a way to stop seeing myself as a bad girl, a cunt, a whore unworthy of love or friendship. It not only makes me crazy… it makes everyone around me crazy. So i have to cut it out. But, how?

Collision Course

Sometimes i feel like i am falling apart. Everything is so fucked up right now. And, i’ve come to a conclusion about myself i don’t like much.
i need J to rip me and tear me and leave me aching and bloody… because to me that is love. The reason i can’t handle it when he is too busy or tired to get up to anything rough… is that it feels to me i have lost his love.
And, so i’ve realized… i am dragging the greatest man i have ever known down into the dirt with me. And, i am ashamed to say… i don’t think i will stop. i love him and i’m selfish. i cannot let him go.
He says he doesn’t want to go. i hope that’s true. i can’t bear to face the world without him. Or without the glorious pain he gives me. The agony that makes me feel safe and loved for a time.

Oh For Fuck’s Sake

So, i’m still sick. Sick as a damn dog. Now, J is sick too and Brad is sniffling. Fuck me til i cry.
J and i had an extremely emotional evening yesterday which was sort of left unfinished due to us both being just to sick to continue. So we should have finished it up tonight, right? No. Brad was a total hell child today to the point i am considering calling an adoption agency (just kidding… i think) and J fell asleep before Brad did.
Oh Gee, thanks for the help J.
So, at any rate, now here i sit coughing up a lung and drowning in snot and i have no closure. i don’t know whats going on between J and me, or what i’m going to do with the wonder brat. i’m exhausted, disgusted, and fed up.
Will there never be time for us to work on US dammit??? i love my son with all my heart but i miss J. There is no fucking sense in this. We can’t get a single fucking hour alone together.
And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high. Yeah… go look up the divorce rate of parents of disabled children. *sigh*
Sometimes i think we are fucked.

A Few Major Updates

So, its been a while. Where to start.
Brad’s teeth. Its as good a place as any. Brad needs oral surgery which will involve the extraction of at least four teeth, crowning four teeth, and doing god knows what with two more. He will be put to sleep for about 4 hours for the surgery. Just the dentist’s part is over 3000 and J and i have to come up with our part of that before the surgery is done. Roughly 900 bucks. Yeah, ouch. The dentist says Brad is probably in a great deal of pain and has been for a while. i feel like shit. What kind of mother am i? i should have taken him to the dentist a long time ago. *sigh*
Then there is Franklin, my oldest nephew. He went to court for the resisting arrest and domestic assault and battery and all that. He was given 90 days suspended but the case is continued for a year. In a years time he must either be enrolled in college classes full time or have held a full time job for 6 months or he will be given that 90 days. This is actually a wonderful thing and i hope it motivates him to get off his ass and do something with his life. He breaks my heart wasting his potential the way he does.
On to Jenny, my youngest niece. On the Friday night of the Labor Day weekend i got a call about 5 am from Jenny. i had to go get her from the hospital. Jenny and her boyfriend had been upstairs at another apartment partying. Her son had gone to spend the weekend with his paternal grandparents. So, eventually Jenny gets tired and tells her boyfriend goodnight and goes downstairs and goes to bed. The next thing she knows her boyfriend is cutting a rope off her neck and she is hung from the shower curtain rod in the bathroom. At this point it is still unclear whether Jenny hung herself and doesn’t remember it, or if she was drugged and someone else did it. We are still waiting on toxology reports. At this point we are sort of operating under the assumption that she did it… because frankly there is no treatment for someone who was nearly murdered. i guess we will see. Either way… its not good.
Well, i was going to write some more, but my medicine just flew all over my ass and i have to lay down a bit. More updates soon.

New Home

So, here i am in my new home. No harm, no foul, i have my voice back. There is a lot to say, but frankly i have a cold and i feel like shit and my rag is killing me this month. Expect long rambling posts soon, but for now… i’m just glad to have my new place put together.