Proud me

So this is the nicest holiday i have had in a long time. J and i spent tons of time together. We didn’t do a lot the first couple of days, just hanging out, and being together. Then we finally got around to the discussion of how much i missed D/s and turned out he missed it too. We are reconnecting on many many levels.
We hit our first major hurdle last night. i went to bed, but i had a bad dream and so i got up and went back into the living room with J. He was watching porn. He ended up jacking off into my mouth. Now, this should be fine right?
*sigh*
Beware, you are now entering angel is an insecure nutcase zone. So, all day i had been trying to tempt J into sex. But, he wasn’t having it, he didn’t feel good. Then he jacks off to porn and uses me as a cum receptacle. i was hurt.
i was completely positive that he didn’t want to have sex with me because i am repulsive. i have major issues surrounding sex and the fact that i’m getting older and i’m no longer all that special appearance wise. On one hand its nice because most guys don’t notice me, which makes me feel safe. On the other hand… J doesn’t notice me like he did back when i turned heads either. And, that makes me feel sick.
Blah blah blah, bottom line, i felt rejected, unwanted and disgusting. i cried myself to sleep.
This morning, we have the dreaded discussion about this. i didn’t want to talk about it. But, J was convinced this was the kind of thing that drove a wedge between us before and he wanted to resolve it. i gave in finally with very bad grace.
The end result of this conversation was that J thinks i have become too proud. i’m more concerned with appearances and my pride than i am with his pleasure and my own. (i should have mentioned that after he jerked off last night, he wanted to make me cum, but i was too humiliated and upset and wouldn’t let him touch me.) He said that for my sanity and his he thought it was time to begin working on the balance of power in this household.
This was followed up by an extremely painful and embarrassing session with the vibrator. my clit is horribly sore. i guess we’ll see where this goes. The complaint proud sounds ominous.

Rededicated

i don’t know what to say. J and i have had a hard time. For a long time. i think that’s been fairly apparent in my blog. No sex, bitching, whining, and endless thoughts of escape. In the end, we contemplated divorce, but shelved it in favor of a good honest try with both of us putting forth our very best effort.
And, we are both working hard to overcome our obstacles. Its difficult because i never realized how many barriers we have to being together. We do not sleep in the same bed, we often don’t eat meals together, in order for us to do anything we have to go alone and individually so one is left behind to care for Brad. And, for the most part, sex has to be planned out days in advance.
The good news is, this new effort is working to some extent. Its not perfect, things are still difficult, but we are both finding ways to come together. If i take J’s turns to work with the home program lady, so he can work on his car, there is more time for us to be together. J sometimes goes to bed later so we can be together. We are making an effort to insist on eating at the table instead of in front of the tv or in shifts.
The hardest thing is that right now, there is not much D/s left in our relationship. We had to spend some time getting to know one another again on a vanilla level before we can work on the more complex dynamics of D/s. i am mourning it. i feel incomplete. As though a part of me has been amputated. And, i never realized how much that affected my feelings of safety and security. i feel very frightened and alone. The slave ring is still on my finger, the J around my neck, and inked into my back… but none of that means anything if the man doesn’t want me anymore. i feel rather discarded, but i’m trying not to let myself dwell on that. These other pieces need mending first.
i need to start using this blog again. As i once did. As a place to sort out my thoughts and feelings and reactions. When J had questions he could refer to the blog… but also… it helped me to find ways to talk to him. J and i have been through hell together. We are not going to let our relationship fall apart now. If we do… neither of us have another soul on this planet who truly loves us. We have always been one another’s everything, in part because we had to be. i will not see things fall apart. So long as he is here beside me willing to work, that’s what we will do.

Whining Basically

Another two weeks of this shit and i’ll be a virgin again. The word frustrated doesn’t even begin to cover it. What the fuck is going on here? i cannot get laid to save my ass, and forget getting whacked. Its downright depressing.
Brad is still not picking up potty training as well as i would like. At this point i think its mostly that he is really sick. Its hard to get a kid to sit on the potty all the time when he feels like shit. my poor little guy.
i don’t know what i’m doing, where i’m going, or what’s going on. i’m drifting around clueless trying not to be depressed and more or less failing. Something has got to give or i’m going to live in a wind swept cave in Tibet. With a vibrator.

Anniversaries, Hell, and News

Today marked 14 years i have known J. We met on a Thursday night. i snuck out of my house to meet him, and i didn’t want to go. It was a blind date fixed up by mutual friends too young to drive. J did drive and so was desperately wanted to go so this couple could be together, and J didn’t want to be a third wheel, and that is where i entered the picture.
We hit it off almost immediately. Sometimes i just cannot believe that it all started with a date i didn’t even want to go on. i’m glad i did.

In other news.

We are trapped in potty training HELL. We have taken Brad’s diapers except to sleep. i am floating in piss and trying to avoid shit. i’ve gone through one bottle of disinfectant since Saturday. God help me.
Brad is tired and miserable and sick of being followed around constantly. He is getting it though. Slowly and painfully, but i think it will be done. i pray so, it will open so many more doors for him.

Jenny’s baby fell and hit his little head on the coffee table and had to get five stitches. She is beside herself.

Iris and her man are reaching critical mass in the baby war.

And, finally, i’ve decided to say fuck the censors, and tell about the next thing time we are intimate. i’ll just back up my blog.

i Hate Censoring Bastards

So, a lot has happened. i obviously am NOT doing better about posting. Bad bad bad angel.
First of all, i ran into JC the other day. He has had a baby! This made my day. His joy in his tiny daughter made me so happy. i can only wish the very best for JC and i absolutely loved seeing him so over the moon with happiness.
Brad got sick. He’s still being a little bit of a fussy asshole, but he is feeling better. We are working so hard on his toilet training. Tomorrow we are going to try to take away his diapers. i am predicting a mess and a fit and me pulling out at least three handfulls of hair.
i got laid today. i was going to give you the juicy details but i’m worried about being charged with obscenity. The censoring bastards. i’ll just say J hasn’t lost his touch.
Finally, GP and i have an arguement going. He insists that my Lou Bega Mambo #5 cd is the most embarrassing. i think his Bryan Adams and Ace of Base has that beat all to hell and back. Twice. What do you guys think? Who is right here?

Lady C’s Latest Meme

i got tagged for this by Lady C.

1. Were you named after anyone?
Yes, a character in Gone With The Wind

2. When did you last cry?
Today

3. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Ham

4. What is your most embarrassing CD?
GP would tell you it is Lou Bega- Mambo #5

5. Where is your second home?
The river, where sometimes for a little while, i find peace.

6. Do you trust others too easily?
LMAO, ummm yes, obviously.

7. What was your favorite toy as a child?
my strawberry shortcake slide projector

8. Would you bungee jump?
No way

9. Do you think that you are strong?
i can be when i have to be.

10. What are your favorite colors?
orange, blue, and burgandy

11. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
my knack for fucking up most everything i touch

12. Who do you miss most?
deceased? my mother. Living? Iris

13. What was the last thing you ate?
an apple

14. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Orange

15. What is the weather like right now?
about 55 and clear

16. Last person you talked to on the phone?
my friend Kerri

17. Do you wear contacts?
Yes

18. Last Movie You Watched?
Constantine

19. Favorite Day of the Year?
i don’t know. Everything is always sporadic here. Halloween is my fav holidayish thing probably

20. Where Would You Want to Go on your Next Vacation?
i’d like to go to scotland, but i know damn well i never will

21. Favorite Smells?
J, black cherry candles, obsession perfume, baby shampoo,

22. What’s the furthest you’ve been away from home?
The very bottom of South Carolina

Whose next? Hmmm, Nikki, nicki and kitty. Please ladies?