Who Am i Kidding?

Oh yeah right. So, yeah, i’m bitching and whinning again. Its my journal, what the hell did you expect. i am not mad, i’m sad, and frustrated and lonely and at a loss for what to do. You cannot make someone want you. You cannot make more hours in the day. You can’t make it a priority for another person.
i try to find other things to be interested in. i try to satisfy my need for social interaction with online friends (no not sex, just company) and i try to concentrate hard enough on not having physical needs that they will go away. (That actually worked for a bit and scared the hell out of me.)
And, you know what? Its just not cutting it.

Declarations

So, it didn’t last. i am off my rag and back in heat. Apparently it was a transient thing.

So was J’s interest. i’ve still not got it. i am reaching a level of absolute aggravation that is frightening.

ONCE EVERY 6 WEEKS IS JUST NOT GOING TO FUCKING CUT IT!

In Case You Are Interested…

i think i have cobwebs on my pussy. Yes, i’m becoming interested in sex again. Just not bad sex.

Meandering Thoughts

Thanks to Nuala i found this poster today. It made me laugh. It is so true. i do not handle intense pressure well. The fucked up thing is, i don’t handle complete freedom well either. i need to feel held, not squeezed.
Vanessa is sick, and that’s a bummer, i was counting on going to her house this week as a distraction for Brad. He gets pissy when he gets bored and i have a feeling being out of school all this week, he will get bored. i’ll have to figure out another option.
Speaking of Brad he is being very good *knock wood* lately. Other than the whole potty thing, which i can’t really fuss about too much, since its a huge major change for him, and i’m sure the process is extremely stressful for him too. Let’s hope this lasts a while.
J and i had a fun evening yesterday. His mom kept Brad for about two hours and we played cards. Nothing exciting, but we don’t just hang out together very often. Its like remembering why we liked each other enough to start this whole relationship in the first place. Its too easy to loose track of that in the hussle and bussle of life. We take one another for granted to often, and we must learn to appreciate what we have.
So… we are going to try to put some more communication tools in our relationship toolbox. Anyone have ideas?

Whooo Hooo!

Hot damn, i made it through another year. Today i took down my Christmas tree, boxed up all that Christmas shit and got it the fuck out of my house. i survived another Christmas and i don’t have to fool with it again for another whole year. Yeah, yeah, i know, i am scrooge. Everyone has faults, hating Christmas with a passion is one of mine.
i totally went insane for a day or two right around Christmas Eve, i laughed and cried at the same time until my sister had to smack me. But, hey, what the fuck, we already knew i was nuts. i’m feeling better now, all hail the peace pipe and massive quantities of valuim. my kiddo is out of school until January 3, so i’m sure those things will continue to come in handy.
J is obviously making a SERIOUS effort to be more supportive and around more. i’m not holding my breath, but it looks good. The fact of the matter is, we have been together 14 years. There is going to be a little bit of fade, i suppose. Especially when we are both so stressed and busy. He works 12 hours most days, and almost never gets any time off. Brad runs me ragged, and i drive myself insane all the time. We are lucky we haven’t killed each other, much less the distance there is between us. i still feel zero sexual desire which is bothersome and scary to me even while it is a relief. So now of course, J wants it all the time. i suppose we always want what we can’t have. Oh don’t get me wrong, i’d still let him, but, that isn’t what he wants. Right now i have my rag, so it isn’t an issue, and for a real change, i’m glad. i don’t know what will happen when i stop bleeding, and frankly i’m scared to find out.
The whole thing is fucked up and weird. Sex has always been such a huge part of my life. Although i don’t miss being frustrated all the time, i’m having a huge identity crisis. If i’m not angel, sex crazed super slut… who am i? For someone not horny i sure am stuck on sex, huh? i just kind of feel like part of me has been amputated and i’m mourning it. Perhaps it will come back. Perhaps it won’t. Either way has advantages and disadvantages. Oh fuck it, enough.
i got a digital camera for Christmas, but i had to take it back because i screwed up the money. It was kind of sad, but, you know, things happen. i did however get a good look at my tattoos for the first time ever. i wonder what happened to that girl who got them. i remember what she was thinking, i remember who she was, but i can’t seem to find her these days. These days i’m more interested in potty training, laundry, and PTA meetings.

Geez… someone just shoot me before i buy a minivan…

Walmart and Everything Else

So, i fucking hate Wal-Mart. The bitches. Today was the day you had to pick up your Wal-Mart layaway by. However it has snowed and iced and just generally been so nasty that the area i live in is pretty much shut down. Since i had heard about the impending storm yesterday, i called Wal-Mart last night to ask if i could get a one day extension in the case of bad snow. They pretty much told me to go fuck myself. So, last night at around 2 i had to go to Walmart before the snow started. The dirty dirty bastards.
i got a digital camera for Christmas from J. i’ve used up my batteries already and i’ve come to the conclusion i need recharable batteries and a memory card. Gifts i will probably buy myself. i still need to buy more things for my children, i have to buy for both of Marcie’s boys, and Hostetter’s boys as well. Then one or two other stray people. Damn, Christmas is a pain in the ass. And, yes i know that’s awful. And, no i don’t care.
J is driving me nuts playing his computer game. i had intended to get him another for Christmas but now i am having second thoughts. i can barely get him to come eat dinner, much less give me sex as often as i would like. That is actually starting to become easier. i think years of rejection are starting to take a toll on my sex drive. i find myself becoming more and more ambivalent about sex. Yes, i’d like it… but i can live with out it. Sometimes i fear that soon i won’t even want it anymore. *sigh* What can i do though? And, hell, maybe it will be peaceful.

Finally

i got laid. Actually, i got ravished and brutalized. Yummy. Last night J came home and i was in the bath. By the time i finished up he was playing his game. i retired to the living room and tried to find something to watch on tv. But, there was nothing. After a few minutes he joined me and we flipped through the channels.
“See what’s on the porn channels.”
i turned to those and we watched two girls eating one another and using an enormous glass dildo on each other. After a few minutes he sent me to get the vibrator. A few minutes after that he sent me to the bedroom. And, for a long time he used the vibrator on me. It took me a long time to reach orgasm, but when i finally did it was extremely intense.
Then J lay on his back beside me and i cuddled close and stroked his cock. When it was hard he jerked me to his crotch by my hair and hissed at me to suck his cock. i did so gratefully. i delighted in the feel of his length deep in my throat, his scent, the soft satiny texture of his flesh against my stroking tongue. All to soon he growled at me and shoved me on the bed on my back.
He nipped at my breast with his teeth as he forced his cock deep inside me in one thrust. Its been a while and the sharp thrust hurt, delightfully so. Soon he was fucking me viciously hard, and i was thrusting my hips back against him.
Oh i’ve missed it. The smell of my arousal, the wet smacking sounds of our joining, the brutal shoving thrusting and painful ripping sensation. Heaven.
Eventually he turned me onto my knees and i held my ass high, giving him easy access to my throbbing pussy. He became increasingly violent, finally bringing one leg up and entering me crooked, stretching my pussy in an awkward and agonizing angle. Burying his hand in my hair he held my upper body up and pounded me so hard i could only whimper and moan and finally plead.
Finally he pulled his cock out and stroked until his cum was all over my back and ass. He wiped his hand off on my face and dropped me back to the pillows in a cum soaked mess.
Afterwards we cuddled a while. Damn… i’ve missed that.

Just Different

Everything is just different. Its not what it used to be, it never will or can be. But, it is still something pretty damn fine. For the last week J has fucked me every day (except the notable exception below.) The physical connection is fantastic, but beyond that we are laughing together again. We come together everyday for at least a while and actually enjoy one another. i feel so much bitterness and hurt slipping from me. i begin to remember that feeling of utter peace and security i once felt with him. Actually not so long ago.
i don’t seem to be able to accomplish anything right now though. my house is messy, my nieces have run me ragged and i still haven’t taken Marcie to see Harry Potter 4. i want to design a new look for this blog, to celebrate a renewal that is occurring between J and myself, but dammit, i cannot get that done either. And, i still haven’t found both the time and guts to blog a hot and juicy scene. And, so all those wonderful memories will escape me eventually and it is sad. Dammit.
i am battling nutsiness right now, which is circling me in the form of a particularly evil flashback. i am reluctant to take it to Screaming Secrets because i don’t want to deal with it. Sometimes i get tired of dealing with it. i just want it to go the fuck away.
Brad’s potty training is still dragging on. Potty hell. It seems it will never end and i am trapped in the house until it does. i cannot very well take Brad out to piss and shit all over everything, can i? It is starting to drive me rather nuts.