Broken Symbols

Since we are working on our relationship, and taking a step back to see what we want and reevaluating and all that jazz, i’ve taken off my collar and stopped wearing my slave ring. my neck and finger seem so bare. Those lost symbols were only symbols so it shouldn’t hurt so bad, but it does.
Nothing can remove his initial from my back though. Well, laser surgery, but i’m not quite ready for all that. You see, i can take the symbols off, i can burn his mark off, but i can never change what was and is. And, i am his. Totally, completely, hopelessly.
Dammit.

Read the fine print on enslavement… it kind of sucks when you are no longer wanted. At least not in the same way.

Dammit.

A Lot of Nothing

Well. i’m working hard on my therapy. i don’t know why its so hard,it seems like it should be simple. i go and whine to this person and i don’t have to care what they think, i should be relieved. But, i still don’t.
J and i are at a weird place. We don’t know exactly what we are doing. Reinventing our relationship i suppose. Right now we are working on the friend’s piece. Its nice.
Nothing. Really. But, a lot that doesn’t make any sense when i try to write it out.

Alive

Sorry for the lack of updates. Everything is all fucked up right now, mostly me. i don’t feel like trying to analyze it. Bottom line. i’m still here. Brad recovered from his surgery. Everyone is still alive.
More when i pull myself together.

The Good, The Bad, And The Bloody

So Brad had his oral surgery yesterday. It was a nerve wracking, jaw clenching, terrifying experience. Walking into a room to see your son covered in blood and shrieking like a banshee is not recommended to anyone. Particularly not to the fruitloops out there.
But, he came through it fine. He had extractions, caps, crowns, and god knows what else. And, today, he seems fine. In fact, he’s been asking to go to school so i called and made arrangements for him to go in late and be able to leave when he is ready. The kid takes after his mother, a little pain is not about to stop him from doing anything he really wants to do. i know its weird, but it makes me proud of him. J says he’s just like me, tough as nails and twice as stubborn. i’m not sure if that was a compliment or a complaint, but it is true.
i held up fairly well through all of this, i was worried i’d fall apart since i’ve been on somewhat shaky ground for a while now. The only time i really got flaky was when he was covered in blood and screaming. Its weird, my own blood doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Nor does blood in general, like you see someone cut themselves in a store or fall and bust their mouth on the street. But, the blood of my loved ones scares the mortal hell right out of me. Nothing can send me into hysterics quite the way a bad nose bleed from J or Brad does. Kami seems to be the worst, paper cuts on Kami make me feel insane. Nuts huh?
The only real bummer i will report right now is that i missed Lady Calliah on her way back home. When she came through on her way down, my family was sick so we didn’t meet to protect her family from getting it. On her way back the dates got juggled around and she ended up coming back through while i was at the hospital with Brad. Drat. i’m sure it will happen sometime though.

Refocus

i think too fucking much. i’ve just figured this out about myself. i think way too much. i overthink every little thing and i drive myself crazy. The reason i really excel when J and i are on solid ground in our D/s roles is because i have more focus to what i think about and my mind doesn’t flit around as much and find things with which to sabotage myself. When i am truly devoting myself to J, his happiness, his pleasure, i am at peace.
i could sit here and try to figure out if that means that i’m using him, i could try to figure out what that says about me. i’m tempted, that’s what my nature wants to do. But, i’ve been re-tuned, refocused, snapped back to my current reality and out of my old one. Instead i will spend my energy cleaning the house, deciding what he’d find most tasty for dinner, which jeans make my ass look the best, and how i can bring a smile to his face.
i think maybe when your situation is intolerable you spend a lot of time trying to think of ways to improve it. i lived like that for so long that it is second nature to me. But, i don’t have to live like that anymore. Here is a man offering me peace and happiness. And, he can deliver it. i know he can, i only have to trust him. i only have to obey and think of him.
Someone very wise that i admire and trust very much said to me this weekend, “THE PAST IS DONE, GONE, AND OVER. NOW BURY IT.” And, it made me realize how i was torturing myself. The people who hurt me are out of my life now. They have been for a long time. The only person hurting me now is me.
Let’s see what i can accomplish when i stop focusing my energy on making myself miserable and instead focus on creating happiness in my household.

Enough

You know, i’m sick of my own bullshit. i haven’t slept in like three nights, snatches of nightmare infested snoozing doesn’t do it. i’m cranky, irritable, insecure, and clingy. i find myself feeling clingy towards my friends, J, my sister, hell even my son. What the fuck?
Enough.
Convincing myself that my best friends are angry with me, that J is having an affair, that i’m killing my sister, on and on and on. Its fucking ridiculous. What the fuck is wrong with me? i know its irrational. i know its stupid. i feel like shaking myself. But, i can’t seem to stop it. my traitorous brain has kicked into high gear and all i seem to accomplish lately is thinking up new ways to fuck up my life.
i want to stop it. i really really do. i just don’t seem to be able to find a way to do so. i’m becoming a person i really don’t like very much. Bitter, angry, clingy, whiney, needy, a fucking drama queen.
Enough is enough. Someone slap me please.

More Than i Deserve

He took me back. He forgave me. i love him so very much. i will make it up to him. Somehow. i’m too exhausted and emotionally wrung out to give you the details right now. But, i begged and he loves me and so he forgave me. i will cherish the man the way he deserves this time around.

i have destroyed my marriage

Last night J said something that hurt me so bad it felt like he had cut my heart out with a knife. It still hurts. It will always hurt. But, he says he didn’t mean to hurt me. And, perhaps he didn’t. Perhaps, he really believes what he said. Or perhaps i did misunderstand. At any rate, it broke my heart.
And, so i became angry. Livid. And, that bucket went traveling down the well into that lake of poisonous hatred i have there, and when it came back up this morning i said the most awful hateful hurtful thing i could have possibly said to him. my pain is no excuse for it. It is inexcusable.
He says he is moving in with his mother. i don’t blame him. i crossed a line that will almost certainly have no mending. There are things you can say that you cannot take back. i took his trust and turned it on him in the most cruel fashion possible. i do not deserve to take it back.

Always

i always do my best but my best isn’t always good enough.