So… i got the call. They have a bed. i’ll be leaving Sunday instead of Monday. Which totally sucks nuts because Sunday is Brad’s birthday. i’ve been in a flurry of posting lately because i’m going to miss this blog so very much while i’m away. Yes, i’ll have my paper journal, but i’m not great at switching mediums. And, i’ll miss all of you all so much. GP, Lady C, Lili, Watcher, kitty, and quite a few others… i’ll miss your perspective and thoughts so much. You all give me different perspectives and i’ll miss having the lens of your experience through which to filter my own.
i’ve had a good run, i haven’t had to go to the hospital since the summer of 2004. i made it damn near 2 years. For me that was an eternity. For the five years previous to that i was in and out all the time. Maybe after this time i’ll be able to go five years or even longer without needing a return trip. i’m trying to focus on progress, not perfection.
i nearly missed Brad’s first birthday because i was in the hospital, i got out the day before and managed to pull it off. Now, on his 8th birthday i’ll be leaving him. God, i suck. i feel like such a lousy mother. J and i are going to do something fun with him this evening, like maybe take him to his favorite restaurant and for an extended drive before giving him all of his favorite treats and then dancing with him. He loves all those things. He’s such a beautiful baby, and no i’m not the least bit biased. 
His care has been tricky to arrange but i think i’ve finally gotten it covered between Vanessa, my mother in law, Trina, and his respite care worker. Next week was especially tricky with J on 3-11, but i think i managed it. i’ve done the best i could at any rate and now they will have to coordinate any emergencies among themselves.
i still haven’t called Kami and told her. i hate that because it just reaffirms every bad thing J’s dad and stepmom think about me. i really have come a long way and i want my daughter so much its like a shard of glass in my heart that i can never get free of. i don’t know what to do. i’m tempted not to tell them and just call her from the hospital as i normally do from home, but what if she asks to come over? No matter what i’ve always found a way to make it work if she asked, even when there have been sick kids, hurt daddy, no matter what. i don’t know. Dammit, i hate that whole situation.
The roses Iris bought me have already begun to wilt. They were at their peek when she bought them. But, somehow, their drooping heads are just as beautiful to me as they were in the height of their glory. Maybe its some kind of odd transference. i can’t bring myself to pluck the sagging ones out and throw them in the trash. Perhaps they aren’t as glorious as the were, but i… oh fuck, i’m crazy, chalk it up to that.
i’m not holding out a lot of hope for anything kinky between J and i before i leave and it makes me kind of sad. But, today is about Brad and tomorrow we leave at noon. Its a five hour drive to the hospital. i guess we’ll see, but i doubt it.
i can’t think of anything else today. Don’t be surprised if i come back with more later, if i find the time or get laid i’d like to leave other things here. A more positive something perhaps.
i’ll be back as soon as i can. Adieu for now, my friends. i am determined to be back soon.
Music Code Removed Due To Crashing Browsers
