Comfort Zone

Ahh. Back in my comfort zone. my ass and thighs are a mass of belt bruises. Flogger marks are clear on my upper back and ass. i’ve been fucked raw and my clit tortured until i can barely stand to sit with my legs decently closed. i am in heat and all i can think of are ways to please him. Well, honestly, please him or if i’m being naughty (and i’m all out of practice and often a naughty girl) how to get him to touch my aching throbbing cunt or hurt me somehow.
Slowly my feeling of security is returning. i feel wanted, needed, useful again. my house is getting clean. Things are getting done. i can focus more. i’m not so terrified of him. Or of anything else. It will be a long while before i relax again totally. But, being able to let go even just a little. To trust just a little.

All of it feels so fucking good. And, i couldn’t live without this.

Where i’m Happy

J and i seem to be coming to the end of our rough patch. i hope. At any rate we finally had good sex. He started with the vibrator. The sex has not been very good for a while and my body had just naturally turned itself off. i couldn’t feel it.
“Try to feel it.”
“i can’t.”
“Just try.”
So i did. It was hard, but finally it began to break through. And he used the vibe to hurt me worse and worse until i had and explosive orgasm that left me limp on the bed.
“Again,” he insisted.
i didn’t know how i’d do it again. But soon my clit was burning aching agony and my inner walls and muscles screaming in protest and i climaxed with a gasping yelp, squirming beneath him.
Then he took his belt off and whipped me with it. my upper thighs front and back and my butt. He kept going until he made me cry and ask him to stop. i was ashamed but he said not to be, that he had wanted to push me to my limited. That i had done exactly as he wanted and there was no shame in that.
Then he made me beg for his cock. By then i was quite into it and the feeling of gratitude that swept through me when he began to fuck my throat was sublime. He buried it deep and just rode my face for a while, telling me the whole time how he loved me, how i was his, how no one else could please him the way i did.
And, then he started to fuck me. On my back first, legs high in the air, pile driving me, drawing cries of pain and satisfaction from me. It hurt badly, but with each thrust, each word he spoke, i felt something in me begin to heal. All i wanted was to be wanted. And, want me he did.
He rode me doggy style, he got me on my back again, he turned me most painfully onto my side. He used my pussy every which way. i have been reclaimed.
Thank goodness. It was lonely sitting on the lost and found shelf. i hope to enjoy life back on J’s leash. It’s where i’m happy.

Take It Or Leave It

i took Vanessa to give my father his Father’s Day gift today. And, as he always does, he pissed me off. i am never good enough for him. This used to hurt my feelings so bad. And i would wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t i make him love me?” Now, i think, “Fuck him. His fucking loss. i do a hell of a lot for people, he’s missing out.”
But, you know, it isn’t just my father who thinks i’m not good enough. Its a rather generalized thing. And, the fucked up thing is… they learned to think that way from me. For so many years i felt unworthy and yucky and blah blah blah. Now they think it too.
i get this shit all the time. “You hillbilly, wear shoes.” “Your hair sucks.” “Why can’t you stay out of the fucking nuthouse?” “You’re letting your house go to hell again.” “That’s just stupid”

You know what? No, i’m not perfect. i’m far from it. But, i’m sick of this shit. This is who i am. Like it or lump it, take it or leave it, take me as i am or go fuck yourself.

She Snaps i Snap Apparently

Okay, she’s driving me crazy, and its not a long drive. She’s dumped most of the work of getting her lights back on in my lap, and its driving me to the edge of homicidal mania. i don’t know who i’m going to kill, but her husband is looking good for it. Oh alright, i’m kidding, but seriously my nerves are shot to shit and i have five bazillion other things stressing me the fuck out at the moment too. i just don’t how much longer i can do this. Then i don’t know what she will do. She is my sister and i love her to bits, and i would do anything i could for her, but honestly i just don’t know if can do this.
i flipped out in the Walmart parking lot yesterday (surprise, surprise) because Brad freaked out and was screaming and smacking shit and clawing Jenny and me and just basically being a little demon child. People were looking at me like i was dog shit on their shoe and i stared down several, snapped at a few and finally cussed one out before i managed to get things arranged with Jenny to pay for my stuff with my money (ever held a strong eight year old determined to get away with one hand while rifling though your wallet with the other in a crowded store with people looking at you like you are a child abuser?) got to the front of the store, paid for his snacks, and got outside and into the car. Remember he can’t chew, so i had to find foods that he could snack on and offer them to him, with him screaming like a fire engine and smacking things left and right. To reject the food instead of just gently pushing my hand away as he usually does he would smack them out of my hand. Now let me pause here and say, at home this kind of behavior is corrected. The worst punishment in the world for Brad is called “planned ignoring.” You ignore the child for a set amount of time. It drives him nuts and works well. Improves his behavior greatly. Trouble is, for the first five minutes or so, he acts even worse. Cannot do that in a public place.
Anyway, he finally selected mashed potatoes. We had to go through hell to get them microwaved but we finally did. So in the car, he ate his mashed potatoes, drank his chocolate milk, screamed, smacked the door, and i went to pieces. i hate fucking Walmart. It is evil.
i want to run away.

Marcie Finally Snapped

Marcie has snapped like so many dry twigs under the shoe of an a jogger off the path. She, her husband, and her oldest son go to court next week, her electricity has been cut off for over a month, today they cut her water off and she had to rob Peter and beat up Paul to get it cut back on, her family is fighting, and finally… her husband can’t get a job and her oldest son’s girlfriend has moved in with them.
Yet another fight broke out tonight and she left them all her money and threw as much of shit as she could find by candle light out threw the yard. Then she left walking. She went to work. She called me talking crazy. She told me she loved me and goodbye. She called Vanessa and said the same thing. She looked like warmed over hell today. i’m scared.

i should do something.

But, what?

Demon Spawn

my son is in cahoots with those bastards at the fifth circle of hell to drive me back there. i swear he has sprouted horns and turned into the fucking devil. i do NOT know what is wrong with him. Where has my sunbeam boy gone? Who is this demon spawn? Screaming, hair pulling, shit smearing, pissing on everything, head banging. i’m in hell.
i’m probably doing my hair today. Send positive energy, chant, pray, do whatever you do. i don’t think i can’t cope if it goes wrong. She is an excellent stylist… but you know… jitters.
i want a spanking. i feel like i might bitch smack him if he spanks me. This ever happen to anyone else?

Kami… At Last

We went over yesterday and saw Kami, finally. i have missed her so bad it felt like my heart had swollen and was throbbing. i know that makes no sense but its the best i can do to explain it. Stupid little things would catch me off guard a hundred thousand times a day and it would be a stab in the heart. Her name, echoed in my head constantly.
You see, my mental illness is a sore spot with the grandparents that have joint custody of her. i live in mortal fear that they will stop letting me see her. So when i’m in a bad place i have to stay away until i can maintain. At any rate, i have presented myself for inspection, passed, and now i can call and see her again. i can’t describe the relief.
i ran barefoot in their front yard with each of my children’s hands clasped in one of mine and knew why it was so important to keep fighting. Why i have to keep doing this when i get so exhausted. When it feels like it will never stop. When the screaming in the night comes. When the shadows turn into monsters from my past. i have to beat them. Because, i have those two sturdy little people who look to me. Those two beautiful little people who i have to set an example for. Who i have to show how to be strong. That no matter what, you can keep going and you can choose to find another life.
For just as life dealt me a shitty hand of cards, my babies didn’t get the greatest hand either. Brad with all of his obstacles to overcome. Kami with her mother that is not what one would want their mother to be. Her grandparents who are too old to raise her. Her father who works constantly. Her brother who requires so much care. And, her grandfather is so sick. i fear he is dying. i worry so about what that will do to Kami. And, to J of course. The bad blood between them will probably never heal completely, and that will be a hell of a burden for J to carry alone. i wish i could somehow take this coming pain away from both of my dear ones. But, i can’t. i can only be here. And, love the, and support them.

On another note J and i had sexual relations last night. i have my rag, so nothing in that department, but i did give him a blow job and then he jacked off in my mouth. i worry that my jaw will eventually take away something that was so special about me. That someday my blowjob will be nothing special. It will only be something any woman can do. i have to find a way to have that surgery done. i just have to.

i Wonder…

Hostetter’s son is graduating from high school tomorrow. And, i can’t help but wonder. If he had lived, would he be graduating high school? Would he be a junkie like his father was? A whore like his mother was? A monster like the runners of his house? Would they have sold him? Would a client have killed him? An overdose? His soul dead? Prison? A murder? A pimp? A man like John or Edward?

i haven’t forgotten you baby. i never will. i think of you everyday. And, i wonder. And i hope. And, i wish.

Pulling It Together

Everyday i am growing stronger. i am able to see people more clearly than i ever have before. People that just want to use me. People that take advantage of my weaknesses. People who honestly love and care for me. All sorts of people. Walls are going up in places where i used to let people trample me and coming down in places where i used to hold away sources of support, love, and joy because i thought i didn’t deserve it.
my hives are completely gone and my body is settling down. i thought i wouldn’t share this here, but you know… fuck it. my hives affected the scar tissue in my pubic area and i’ve looked and felt like i got fingered by Freddy Kruger for a while now. Its not been pleasant. i was starting to think i was going to have to go to the doctor, and that was making me even more insane. But, its improving rapidly and i think its going to be okay.
Brad is out of school until the 19th and he is bored out of his mind. We are coping by spending a lot of time at Vanessa’s something he enjoys a great deal. The downside of this is that my house rather looks like a tornado hit it, but i’m keeping my sanity and Brad is fairly happy. Fuck the house, i’ll just do the best i can with it. As my Empress Love Buns Lady C is always telling me: BABY STEPS. i’ll get it all back together. i can’t expect perfection or everything will just blow up in my face.
i’m going to do something rather drastic to my hair. Heavy light camel highlights. i had it done a long time ago and J loved it. i can’t really remember how i felt about it, but i do remember basking in his admiration. i’ve lost more weight, which is good, although annoyingly now i own NO CLOTHES THAT FIT. i don’t plan to buy any until i loose at least one or two more sizes and the stuff i’ve got is just absolutely falling off. Why waste the money? Thirty is still approaching and i plan to be prepared for the bitch by being a goddamn goddess. Yes, this is still my plan.
i’ve haven’t gotten it much due to the earlier mentioned coochie malfunction. i think i’m well enough for an experiment and so i’m hoping maybe to get it on tonight. i want a spanking finally. i haven’t since i got home from the hospital. i’ve felt very defensive and hostile and just plain pissy. Honestly i was kind of afraid if J came at me with a flogger or a paddle i’d either burst into tear or jerk it out of his hand and throw it out the window. i’m calming down now, finally.
His attempts at control have felt like yelling and hurtful punishments. i’ve been emotional and unreasonable. i just was down and vulnerable and it took me a while to pull myself together. He understood. And, one of the biggest things i had to do to get to the point where i could move on was quit giving a fuck what other people think. i am stronger, but i’m not quiet as sweet and patient as i once was. But, i think maybe that’s okay. Someone i like and admire very much (magdala)did a post once about selfishness. i get that post in a whole new way now. i went back and looked it up.
i don’t want to be a martyr. i want to be healthy. And, if i can’t get there yet, i at least want to have my head screwed on halfway straight and be able to put the right people first. And fuck getting hives again. Ever.

Pouting

Having to remove all my music bummed me out and tapped my creative juices for the day. i’ll post something tomorrow when i’m feeling more introspective and less like a sulky twit.
Ultra thanks to Lili for calling it to my attention that my page was fucking up. And, guys, i don’t bite, you can come to me and tell me my page crashes, a post pissed you off or touched you, or what have you. Really, i may be nuts, but i’m not dangerous. Really. i swear. i’m out of places to burry the bodies in the back yard.