Eventually

i’m going to be fine.  Really.  i will.

Eventually.

Fucked Fucked and Fucked

Well. i got laid in a wonderfully scrumptiously painful way. It was complete with belt strokes, flogging, nipple torture and anal. Yummy. Wonderful sex. But, in the middle of it J said to me, “you’ll try harder to get better, won’t you?” That’s when i realized just how long i’ve been doing so poorly. Its bad. Its been bad for a long while now. And, i don’t know how to make it better. Burying my head in the sand doesn’t seem to be working. Imagine that.

A lot of it is stress. We are financially fucked and i had to hustle to just get all the bills covered and food on the table for the next week. Its depressing. Then there is Brad’s constant illnesses and the fact that J keeps getting sick and having to miss work. Brad’s home program. Oh god, that one alone. Anyway, you get the point, i’m under a lot of stress.

All this stress makes it hard for me to try to sort out what’s going on with me and do something about it. Being crazy is a full-time job and right now i don’t have time for it. i’m busy with my other full time job… being a wife and mother. i don’t have time to journal or do my artwork or any of the other things that help. i barely have time to breath. So i look to end up in trouble for being super fruity. Because i can’t calm down enough to work on it.

Dammit

Book Meme

1. One book that changed your life: i can’t think of any book that changed my life.
2. One Book That You’ve Read More Than Once: There are too many to list.  i reread everything.  Here’s one- The Stand by Stephen King
3.One Book You’d Want On A Desert Island:
4. One Book That Made You Laugh: Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells
5. One Book That Made You Cry: Bastard Out of Carolina by Dorothy Allison
6. One Book That You Wish You Had Written: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
7. One Book You Wish Had Never Been Written: The Door to December by Dean Koontz
8. One Book That You Are Reading Right Now: i’m reading both Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Gerald’s Game
9. One Book That You Have Been Meaning To Read: The Divinci Code
10. Tag five others that you would like to do this meme

i refuse to tag anyone.  If you want to do this, boogie down.

J is so fucking hot. Every line of his body says that he is in charge. Every gesture, every word makes me feel more tightly controlled. More his. We are both sick, which would once have ripped our intimacy to shreds and left me thinking dire thoughts about him. Instead we had hot lustful (if coughing and hacking) passionate sex last night. i love the fact that his cock gets hard with whipping me. That there is always an electricity between us that could ignite at anytime.

We are better on softer level as well. More likely to be snuggled up and laughing together than me watching tv and him playing his computer game or vice versa. So many times we have been cut off from each other and now i feel fully connected and its fantastic. Not to say he doesn’t do other things or have other interests, he does. Its just… i know that i’m one of his main interests again.

Vanessa is having her back surgery on November 7th. i dread it. i don’t know how i will take care of her all the time and still take care of my own family. Its going to be tough. i wish she would just break down and hire a fucking home health nurse to help me. She’s so selfish though that she’d rather work me to death than have a stranger in her home a little. It pisses me off.

Jenny started her new job today. i think i’ll call and see how it went.

Still Nutty

i am STILL nutty. For the love of fuck. Hasn’t this gone on long enough? Yes, it has. Enough already. i call shenanigans on this. Enough of the fruitiness. i am however getting fucked and beaten with great regularity. If that’s the trade off i guess i’ll put up with being nuts. However, it’d be so much nicer to get fucked and beaten and be half way sane to boot.

Just for a little while.

i’ve had no luck finding a woman. Its driving me nuts. i can’t even find one to play with. Much less any sort of serious connection. *sigh* And, i am talented too, dammit. Wasted.

Serious

J pushes these days.  The whip bites harder.  The vibe grinds harder on my clit.  i asked him, to see if perhaps i was just turning into a pussy and he said yes, he pushes.  He wants me to see how serious he is he said.  If my throbbing ass is any indication, he’s pretty damn serious.

i’m glad.  Its nice to be a serious priority again.

i’ll Take It By Damn

So i didn’t get a two hour scene but i sure as hell got something.  i was flying today, as i do most every week day.  That’s cleaning my house 15 minutes at a time for those of you who don’t know.  Anyway, i was cleaning, and i felt overwhelmed and i curled up at J’s feet for a minute for comfort.  This ended up with his dick in my mouth and i gave him a blow job.  When he was done he took his belt off and told me to bend over, i’ve been a little nutty lately (okay a lot nutty) so i panicked because i couldn’t figure out which way to bend over.  J lost his patience and jerked me into place and laid his belt across my ass about two dozen times with searing cracks.  Then he led me in into the living room and put me on the sofa.  He unbuttoned my dress and played with my tits and nipples a bit while i caught my breath and finally sent me to get two clothes pins.  He clamped my nipples and sent me to clean.  Ever scrubbed a stove with clothes pins on your nipples?  Try it some time.

When he took them off i had to hop up and down and he took them off one at a time and minutes apart.  Then i went back to flying until he got ready to get in the bath tub.  i went in to sit and talk with him while he washed and he sent me to get my favorite flogger which we got from BDSMGear.  i sat there and talked to him and toyed with the flogger waiting for my beating knowing how deliciously it would hurt.  my sex was throbbing.

Finally he sent me to the bed and i laid the flogger out for him.  He got dressed and i attempted to talk to him but he ordered me to silence.  He wanted me to only think about my wet cunt, the coming blows, and his will.  Then he picked up the flogger and set to work.  OUCH!  The blows rained down and he hit me in my sit spot repeatedly where i’m so sensative.  i squirmed, i whimpered and finally i floated on a cloud of endorphins.  i’m still flying.

Whoo hoo!  It wasn’t two hours, but i’ll take it by damn!

Ice Skating In Hell

Life is hectic. i’m trying to keep on top of my house, cope with Brad’s home program, and stay in touch with a man who works himself to death and spends every spare moment either working on a car or playing a computer game. Its tough.

J owes me a two hour scene. i figure i’ll get it around the time i’m ice skating in hell. i want badly to have it. But, i don’t see it happening. Life is just too chaotic. We have fallen into a rut of blowjob followed by rough sex. Sometimes it works for me, often it doesn’t.

Iris is getting big with her baby. She is adorable. Jenny is also pregnant, due the day after Brad’s birthday. Two more great nieces or nephews. God, i’m old. 30 looms.