A Part of me is DEAD… and other news…

So.  Fuck me.  my blowjob has gone to hell in a handbasket.  my FUCKING JAW is so fucked up that i can’t open my mouth wide enough to not scrape J when i’m on my knees.  Now, when i sit beside him and lean over that’s all well and good, no scrapola.  But goddammit, when i get on my knees to suck if i don’t scrap him every fucking time!  Its awful.  i know this sounds stupid, but i feel like a part of me has died.  i’ve given a stellar blowjob all my life.  And i could do it standing on my head if i had to.

This is extremely distressing.  i NEED that surgery.  Now not only because of the pain, the headaches, the noise and every other pain in the ass thing about my jaw… but its amputated a major part of my identity.  It sounds sick but something that i held on to when i didn’t have ANY self esteem was that i could give the best damn blow job that a man had ever had.  Now that’s gone and it makes me sick to my soul.  Yes, i know, you are calling the men with the butterfly nets.  i could give a fuck, i want my hard won skill back.  Do you know what i gave up to be able to do that?

*sigh*

That’s enough ranting.  In other news, Iris had her baby.  A beautiful little girl.  Jenny found out she is also carrying a girl.  Vanessa is recovering from her surgery.  J remains tuned in and wonderful.  Brad’s home program worker quit and i can’t find a dependable respite care worker.

Life spins on… even if i can’t suck a dick on my knees anymore.  It seems impossible, but its true.

Giving Thanks

So… things i am thankful for…

J, and our renewed relationship.  i can’t tell you the happiness this brings me.

Brad and Kami.  Despite Brad’s autism, the kids are basically healthy and they are the light of my life.  Both are so special and wonderful in their own unique way.

The amazing friends i have.  You guys know who you are and i am thankful for you everyday.  You all give me so much.  To name a few: Lady C, GP, Lili, Watcher, kitty, starla, Nuala, D, Terri, and so many others that make my life so much better just by being a part of it.

my extended family.  They drive me crazy, but i dearly love both my sisters and their families.  my tiny great nephews… my neices and nephews, all of my loved ones.

a few other things:

medicaid waiver

unlimited long distance

my new job

renewed sex life

weight loss

Round and Round We Go

J is down with a toothache. He pretty much can’t do anything besides moan and gripe. He made it to work today, but i wouldn’t be surprised to see him at any minute. i’m worried about money and feeling guilty that i can’t work and see us through so he can deal with his tooth. i always feel guilty when J is sick. The truth is we live paycheck to paycheck and when J isn’t well there is no paycheck. It’s not good.

Financial worries seem to be a theme lately. All i do is worry about money. i hate money. i’m so tired of stressing about all of this. i’d love to relax, even for just a little while. Even when i thought we’d be okay, something else came up and we aren’t. Its ridiculous.

At some point i will have two good days strung together and then i will party. And, i promise to write about it so ya’ll can hear something besides bitching.

GO VOTE!!!

i just voted.  If you are an american, you should too.  Go now.

Conclusions

J’s take on the whole needs issue was that every person on the planet has needs.  If they aren’t being met, of course i won’t be happy.  That doesn’t mean anything.  And, now i feel kind of silly.  After talking to him, of course its obvious that i was always meeting my own needs in this relationship.  Why else would i be in it?  i’ve been in a relationship that didn’t meet my needs, and its a mistake i’ll never ever repeat.

We came to the conclusion that J’s long depression and identity crisis had left me “alone” for a long time.  During that time i became less trusting, harder, and just generally less submissive.  In short, feeling untended, unwanted for so long made me resentful and distrustful.  So we need to work on getting back to that soft place i had before.  That soft place where *i* was happy and J was king.

Why do we need to work on it?  Because this is still a relationship. and i was happier there.  Just as i am dependant on his happiness for mine, he is dependant on my happiness for his.  Because we are in a reciprical relationship.

And, i don’t care what my label is.  Fuck it.  J and his angel.  That’s who we are.

i don’t know

i just finished reading the locked post of a friend and it made me think. i’m not much of a slave. i’m not much of a submissive either. i want J to be happy. J’s happiness is the pinnacle of importance to me. But, i believe that is for my own selfishness. i want to be happy and i’m not unless he is.

i do care about my own needs a great deal. If they are not being met, i am unhappy, despite J’s happiness. i need to feel needed and wanted and loved to be content. i’m not content being a toy setting on a shelf waiting for J to decide to play with me. i’m simply not and if that negates the possibility of me being a good slave, then maybe its time to redefine my role. i don’t want to spend my life engaged in something i suck at.

Perhaps i’m more of a surrendered wife. i don’t know. i have needs. If they are not met i’m unhappy. Besides human, what does that make me?

i don’t know.

Good Things

So i’ve got a job sorta. i’m making cards for bdsm-greeting in exchange for products from the owner’s websites. i should be able to do a good chunk of my christmas shopping from there. So maybe i won’t hate christmas quite as bad this year.
Brad got approved for medicaid waiver. This means a lot. It means i don’t have to kiss the FAPT team’s ass anymore. It means i don’t have to buy diapers anymore. It means i don’t have to pay the copay on his medicine. It means we’ll have a hell of a lot more money. YAY
J and i are getting along great. We are really there for one another and things are going well. i’m happy with him. He’s happy with me.

i’m going to feel better, dammit.