Gagged

i’m sick, yet again.  i get every little bug that comes around, my immune system sucks.  Probably because i don’t sleep well or eat right.  i try, but i’m just not good on those things, and so i stay sick.  Oh joy.

J and i are in a weird place.  He’s just… distant.  All of a sudden out of the blue he’ll be very dominant and while i enjoy it… it doesn’t make me feel closer because of the inconsistancy.  Now i’m certainly not going to complain, he’ll either shut down or whip my ass, neither of which is the result i’m looking for.  i just wish i knew what kept him distracted and distant.  How i could help him turn towards me more fully, how i could be more pleasurable.

Bah.  i don’t know what’s going on.  It will resolve itself, in time i hope.  i’m not very happy with the way things stand right now.

i’ve stopped writing in this blog as much because i started writing for my audience.  i worry that this reader will think me weak or that that reader will think me pushy.  If this continues, i’ll switch everything over to my live journal and lock posts i feel uncomfortable with.  Blogging means too much to me to let myself worry about what others think to the point that i gag myself.