i don’t wanna

i keep waiting to post. Waiting for the crash. Its become such a pattern. i don’t like to post the good times anymore because i don’t trust them. How fucked up is that? i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for reality to set in, for the truth to come up. The truth being, he just doesn’t want me this way anymore. But, every day sees us close and happy.

With one kink (no pun intended) in the whole works. i no longer enjoy sex. i spent so long and tried so hard to turn that part of me off… that apparently i succeced. Fine when it happed twice a month. But now that he wants to fuck every day all this does is make me sore and miserable and longing for what used to be. At one time i would have positively purred under all this attention. Now i’m just sore and feeling over used and like i’d like to escape it. i don’t try of course. i put up with it, its my job. But saying that makes me sad. Its like i’ve lost a part of myself. Who would have ever thought an unrepentant superslut like me would be fucking out of a sense of obligation?

*sigh*

Am i getting old or just having an issue? If i’m too old to fuck, someone drag me round behind the barn and shoot me please. i don’t wanna live like that.

Seven to Seven

J is working 7pm to 7am and i’m lonely. my respite worker goes to court tomorrow and could go to jail and its my anniversary. *sigh* i’m feeling a tiny bit depressed.

Brad isn’t happy with his Daddy being gone all the time. So we are having a lot of screaming and crying. Joy. i’m hanging in, but its tough.

However, we are supposed to leave for vacation on Thursday. That will be awesome if it comes off. We’ll be in Williamsburg. Nice. Should work out as long as my kidneys calm down. So far today i’ve drank a gallon of water and i plan on drinking another half. A good flush should take care of them. At least i’m hoping so.

Jewelry

i don’t get jewelry very often. For one thing i’m not a jewelry kind of girl. i’m a new vibrator kind of girl. But, i do like jewelry, a lot. Just no one ever thinks to give it to me.

Today J did. Out of the blue, he said, “You look so pretty, I wasn’t going to do this now, but I’ve changed my mind.”

He made me take off my J necklace (my collar) and give it to him. Then he gave me new earrings and a new necklace and earrings. Dressy stuff. The kind of jewelry i just didn’t own.

Jewelry

How sweet is that?

Hanging Out

No sex last night, we had to go to hell. Walmart. *insert scary music here* i figured Walmart was a sure fire shredder for our newly reestablished intimacy and stability. What relationship can hold up to taking an autistic child to Walmart? Visions of me in tears with J yelling at me and Brad running up and down isles with me hot on his trail made me dread the trip.

First of all, Brad was absolutely angelic. Secondly, J took care of him and helped me shop, but i was mostly free to follow my list and get things done so we were in there much less time than i had thought we would be. It wasn’t a fun trip, it was still Walmart (read hell on earth) but, we are much stronger than i thought. Wow.

We didn’t get around to sex last night. J was just too tired by the time we got everything done and he had his dinner. But, i don’t feel like i lost any ground. i’m still confused, and i’m ashamed to discuss it with him. i will today though when we have some afternoon time alone. i’ll probably show him that post and see what he has to say about it.

Bottomline, i love him as much as i ever did. And, i want him as intensely as i ever did. That’s nice to know. Would be nice to get a verification that he feels the same about me. Yes, i know, my insecurity is hanging out.

Confused

Today i am sore. Last night we had a mini scene that was mostly about excruciatingly painful sex. Clit pinching, on my side, cervix crushing, ripping type sex. Unlubbed anal kinda sex. The kind you think about when you do get your courage up enough to masterbate because its just been so long you can’t stand it anymore. The kind of sex that keeps you kegaling so you know your snatch will be able to squeeze and stroke and please him. Yeah, the really horribly painfully hot kind. Then i even got some super hard paddle strokes that hurt so damn good i nearly came again.

Whew. Hot.

Anyway.

It left me even farther in this place of quiet peace. This place i remember so well where i felt calm and peaceful and able to function. i love that place. i very much want to return to that place. And, stay there.

What disturbs me is that i need all this physical stimulation to get there. Shouldn’t i go just because J says so? Shouldn’t a slave just be there? What right do i have to be hard and grouchy and bitchy? To expect things? To give up on things? What good am i to him if i just fold when he’s not constantly tending me?

And, another part of me screams, you are his wife. But, aren’t i a special kind of wife? A D/s wife? Its all very confusing.

my readers…

are pervs.  i have to laugh my ass off at how many people have asked for passwords since i’ve been posting sex posts lately.  You guys crack me up.

Undeserved

So. i spent a great deal of yesterday bitching about J yesterday evening to my friends GP and Lady C. i just feel… neglected. i’ve been categorizing my old posts and… i don’t know i see how many hot posts i used to have and how they are spread out now and i feel… fuck i don’t know. Rejected.

But, honestly, if you look there are more and more lately and every one of them i seem surprised that its there. Its like i gave up on J. i had no faith. What the fuck? He’s stood by me through some FUCKED UP shit, and i give up on him? That’s pretty damn sorry assed of me.

It comes down to communication again. We have to work on this.

At any rate, i got totally hot, totally undeserved sex.

We were watching South Park when i noticed him eyeing me in that evil way he has. The one that looks like the Big Bad Wolf about to eat Little Red Riding Hood up. i was still annoyed with him, so i ignored him, hoping he’d just decide it wasn’t worth it and go to bed. (He does this a lot.)

He didn’t though. He cut the TV off and said, “Come on, I’m gonna smack that ass.”

i whimpered and whined and tried to get out of it for a while, but finally accepted that he meant to do it and gave in with bad grace. i went and helped him make the bed with fresh sheets and then crawled into it with him.

He turned me on my side facing him and alternated spanking my ass and twisting my nipples while making me repeat in various humiliating ways that i was his. Things like, “i’m Daddy’s little whore.” Or, “i’m your cocksucking slut.” Between the pain of what his hands were doing, the humiliation of what he was making me say, and the look of cruel lust in his face i was dripping wet by the time he reached between my legs.

Then he asked if i wanted to suck his cock. And, i did. Oh boy, i did. i nodded vigorously. He laughed at me. “Do you really think that’s going to work? Beg for it.” And, so i begged. When it wasn’t good enough he coached me. i begged and pleaded and rubbed my cheek against his straining cock which obviously sided with me. And, finally J relented. He lay on his back and allowed me to truly service him. It was one of those times when he didn’t take control, but allowed me to fuck him with my throat. As i ran my tongue up and down the satiny texture of his shaft i had to close my eyes and press my thighs tight together. It was pure ecstasy. Running it down my throat with my nose pressed into his pubic hair i moaned slightly and felt him squirm, i knew he was loosing control and wanted him to. His dominance couldn’t be restrained much longer. Soon he would overpower me and either fuck my face to completion or use another hole. i loved knowing that i could make him feel that good. Another three or four full length strokes up and down his cock and he grabbed me by the hair and threw me back on the bed.

“I want to use my pussy, beg me. Beg me to use it.”

i only had to beg a moment this time. And, i was impaled on his length. And, just like every time the pain shot through me and with a gasp i bit my lip and closed my eyes and thrust my hips up to meet it. Within seconds i had my first orgasm. Orgasm washed over orgasm washed over orgasm.

Then he forced it in my ass. Agony. i finally adjusted and had one more orgasm. Then i realized he was having trouble cumming. So i started talking.

“i need your cum Master. Please Master. Anywhere. Any hole, anything you want to do to me Master. my mouth, my pussy, my ass, the back of my hair (i hate that), anything, anything you want Master.”

And, he pulled out and came all over me, finally wiping what had gotten on his hand on my mouth.

Feeling Silly

How to make a angel
Ingredients:
5 parts intelligence
5 parts humour
1 part joy
Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Top it off with a sprinkle of lustfulness and enjoy!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

 

angel —
[adjective]:Insatiable to the point of crazy‘How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?’ at QuizUniverse.com

And, i think i may get laid tonight. i got laid last night. i have a hickey today. Those things are so awfully humiliating. And, thus… just a tad hot.

i’m such a humiliation whore.

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Admissions

So, i’ve been off my meds. For three days. i don’t know how it happened. Money, overwhelmed, stress, i just forgot, some combination of the above. Today i started freaking out. i lost 20 bucks. i don’t know what the fuck i did with it. It was for the water bill. We are right up against it, if we want to go on vacation (and J badly wants to go) and i lost it. i freaked out.

Losing money is a major issue for me anyway. You do not loose money if you have ever been a working girl. Its just not good for your health. Of course my life doesn’t work like that anymore, but i went nuts just the same. And, when i went nuts, J figured he’d pull out the belt. It usually calms me. Of course not this time. But, this time, i OPENED MY MOUTH!!!

i begged him not to beat me over money, which made his jaw drop and he dropped the belt too. He took me in his arms instead, and listened as i tried (incoherently i’m sure) to explain what was going on with me. Finally he went and looked at my pill bottles and noticed the empty ones.

“How long have these been empty?”

i honestly didn’t know.

He fixed it. It was hard, i saw his stress. i saw his disappointment. i hate myself for it. But, he fixed it. And, i’ll do better. Steaks and blowjobs and obediance for J. i promise myself, from now on.

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