Attitude Adjustment or… A Lesson in Crawling

“Crawl over here and suck my cock.”

i have my rag and its been so long since i’ve heard such a thing i actually laughed. He was not amused.

“Crawl over here and suck my cock.” his voice was low but deadly. i recognized it immediately. my eyes snapped to his and i took a last sip of my drink to make sure my mouth was wet, not breaking eye contact and slid to my knees. (Note: my new carpet has no padding and its hell on the knees) i crawled in the slow way he likes and stroked my cheek against his cock.

“Don’t play with it, whore, do what you really want, shove it down your throat.”

How does he always know?

i licked it like a lollipop once and then took his length deep in my throat and fucked him with my mouth. i listened as he moaned, felt him squirm, squeeze my hair. i felt his power restrained as he enjoyed my skills and i felt a surge of satisfaction.

“Damn, you can suck cock my angel. Damn. There is no other like my angel. Take that cock, baby.”

It was like slipping into a warm comfortable bath. Beyond a comfortable place i knew, it was pure pleasure. i ended by jacking him off into my open mouth and all over my face. i know how he loves that show.

Later i got a spanking until i came as well. i’m not sure where we are. But its a more comfortable place.

Food Fight

J is constantly on my ass about what i eat. i’m just never hungry anymore. Maybe its one of my meds, maybe its depression, maybe its the alignment of the planets, but i just can’t eat much right now. And, J is freaking out about it.

He bitches at every single meal. He ends up finishing 3/4s of my meal, but he still fusses at me the entire time. We came down to a physical struggle the other day when he tried to force me to eat more with the belt and i wasn’t having it. i’ve worked too damn hard to let anyone control what i get to eat, or don’t eat, or whatnot. It smacks too much of John beating me for eating for too much.

luna’s Blogathon Participation

Just a quick post to let everyone know that luna is participating in this year’s blogathon.   She is supporting The Institute For 21st Century Relationships.    Why not hop on over and have a peek at her site and her charity and consider getting involved?

Why Have i Done This?

Because i got sick and tired of the bashing and unhealthy environment that was dragging me down on blogger.  If you’d like a password, email me at thechainedangel@gmail.com and let me know and most likely i’ll give you one.  Categories will be added soon.

Moving

So, i’ve decided to pack up and move to wordpress. i like the idea of passwords. Its been a great two and a half years here at blogger and i’ve enjoyed it but the pull of categories and passwords is too great. If you want to follow me, my new address is alwayshis.wordpress.com. If you are interested in a password, shoot me an email to my old standby email address thechainedangel@gmail.com and let me know that you’d like the password and i’ll most likely set you up with one.

Hope to see you at my new place. Patience while i learn to work it.

And, i’ll be leaving this place here for the duration. Its meant too much to me to delete it.

Comfort Zone

Ahh. Back in my comfort zone. my ass and thighs are a mass of belt bruises. Flogger marks are clear on my upper back and ass. i’ve been fucked raw and my clit tortured until i can barely stand to sit with my legs decently closed. i am in heat and all i can think of are ways to please him. Well, honestly, please him or if i’m being naughty (and i’m all out of practice and often a naughty girl) how to get him to touch my aching throbbing cunt or hurt me somehow.
Slowly my feeling of security is returning. i feel wanted, needed, useful again. my house is getting clean. Things are getting done. i can focus more. i’m not so terrified of him. Or of anything else. It will be a long while before i relax again totally. But, being able to let go even just a little. To trust just a little.

All of it feels so fucking good. And, i couldn’t live without this.

Where i’m Happy

J and i seem to be coming to the end of our rough patch. i hope. At any rate we finally had good sex. He started with the vibrator. The sex has not been very good for a while and my body had just naturally turned itself off. i couldn’t feel it.
“Try to feel it.”
“i can’t.”
“Just try.”
So i did. It was hard, but finally it began to break through. And he used the vibe to hurt me worse and worse until i had and explosive orgasm that left me limp on the bed.
“Again,” he insisted.
i didn’t know how i’d do it again. But soon my clit was burning aching agony and my inner walls and muscles screaming in protest and i climaxed with a gasping yelp, squirming beneath him.
Then he took his belt off and whipped me with it. my upper thighs front and back and my butt. He kept going until he made me cry and ask him to stop. i was ashamed but he said not to be, that he had wanted to push me to my limited. That i had done exactly as he wanted and there was no shame in that.
Then he made me beg for his cock. By then i was quite into it and the feeling of gratitude that swept through me when he began to fuck my throat was sublime. He buried it deep and just rode my face for a while, telling me the whole time how he loved me, how i was his, how no one else could please him the way i did.
And, then he started to fuck me. On my back first, legs high in the air, pile driving me, drawing cries of pain and satisfaction from me. It hurt badly, but with each thrust, each word he spoke, i felt something in me begin to heal. All i wanted was to be wanted. And, want me he did.
He rode me doggy style, he got me on my back again, he turned me most painfully onto my side. He used my pussy every which way. i have been reclaimed.
Thank goodness. It was lonely sitting on the lost and found shelf. i hope to enjoy life back on J’s leash. It’s where i’m happy.

Take It Or Leave It

i took Vanessa to give my father his Father’s Day gift today. And, as he always does, he pissed me off. i am never good enough for him. This used to hurt my feelings so bad. And i would wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t i make him love me?” Now, i think, “Fuck him. His fucking loss. i do a hell of a lot for people, he’s missing out.”
But, you know, it isn’t just my father who thinks i’m not good enough. Its a rather generalized thing. And, the fucked up thing is… they learned to think that way from me. For so many years i felt unworthy and yucky and blah blah blah. Now they think it too.
i get this shit all the time. “You hillbilly, wear shoes.” “Your hair sucks.” “Why can’t you stay out of the fucking nuthouse?” “You’re letting your house go to hell again.” “That’s just stupid”

You know what? No, i’m not perfect. i’m far from it. But, i’m sick of this shit. This is who i am. Like it or lump it, take it or leave it, take me as i am or go fuck yourself.

She Snaps i Snap Apparently

Okay, she’s driving me crazy, and its not a long drive. She’s dumped most of the work of getting her lights back on in my lap, and its driving me to the edge of homicidal mania. i don’t know who i’m going to kill, but her husband is looking good for it. Oh alright, i’m kidding, but seriously my nerves are shot to shit and i have five bazillion other things stressing me the fuck out at the moment too. i just don’t how much longer i can do this. Then i don’t know what she will do. She is my sister and i love her to bits, and i would do anything i could for her, but honestly i just don’t know if can do this.
i flipped out in the Walmart parking lot yesterday (surprise, surprise) because Brad freaked out and was screaming and smacking shit and clawing Jenny and me and just basically being a little demon child. People were looking at me like i was dog shit on their shoe and i stared down several, snapped at a few and finally cussed one out before i managed to get things arranged with Jenny to pay for my stuff with my money (ever held a strong eight year old determined to get away with one hand while rifling though your wallet with the other in a crowded store with people looking at you like you are a child abuser?) got to the front of the store, paid for his snacks, and got outside and into the car. Remember he can’t chew, so i had to find foods that he could snack on and offer them to him, with him screaming like a fire engine and smacking things left and right. To reject the food instead of just gently pushing my hand away as he usually does he would smack them out of my hand. Now let me pause here and say, at home this kind of behavior is corrected. The worst punishment in the world for Brad is called “planned ignoring.” You ignore the child for a set amount of time. It drives him nuts and works well. Improves his behavior greatly. Trouble is, for the first five minutes or so, he acts even worse. Cannot do that in a public place.
Anyway, he finally selected mashed potatoes. We had to go through hell to get them microwaved but we finally did. So in the car, he ate his mashed potatoes, drank his chocolate milk, screamed, smacked the door, and i went to pieces. i hate fucking Walmart. It is evil.
i want to run away.

Marcie Finally Snapped

Marcie has snapped like so many dry twigs under the shoe of an a jogger off the path. She, her husband, and her oldest son go to court next week, her electricity has been cut off for over a month, today they cut her water off and she had to rob Peter and beat up Paul to get it cut back on, her family is fighting, and finally… her husband can’t get a job and her oldest son’s girlfriend has moved in with them.
Yet another fight broke out tonight and she left them all her money and threw as much of shit as she could find by candle light out threw the yard. Then she left walking. She went to work. She called me talking crazy. She told me she loved me and goodbye. She called Vanessa and said the same thing. She looked like warmed over hell today. i’m scared.

i should do something.

But, what?