Nervous

This morning i got a few hard licks with the paddle.  i more or less asked for them.  J said something or the other and i teased him and he teasingly said “I’ll get the paddle.”  i said, “Maybe i want the paddle.”  Soon i found myself bent over the edge of the bed taking licks.  It hurt but it soothed something in me that was just running in circles out of control.  It wasn’t many and it was over way before i wanted it to be.  But, still it was something.

Then when we were at my sister’s house we were waiting on her to get ready to go walking with us and J whispered to me, “I read your post.”

“Huh?”

“I read your blog post and I’m going to do it.”

His hand came up and cupped my throat then squeezed lightly.

So now i know i’m going to get a long hard whipping soon.  But, i don’t know when.  i want it really bad… but i’m nervous.

If my life were a movie….

i have no idea what to say today. Brad is in the bathtub and J is watching the race. i finally managed to wash my mountain of dishes. Go me. So, since i can’t think of anything intelligent to say… here is a quiz.

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Black Comedy

In your life, things are so twisted that you just have to laugh. You may end up insane, but you’ll have fun on the way to the asylum. Your best movie matches: Being John Malkovich, The Royal Tenenbaums, American Psycho

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Greedy

J has offered me tighter control until the current storm passes.  Although part of me hates the weakness in me, i’ve jumped on the chance.  (Yes, i know, that’s what he’s there for.  Yes, i know, i’m being silly.  Its a hang up of mine.  i want to not be a pain in his ass.  That’s what i want.)  Feeling tightly controlled makes me feel snuggly and secure when things seem to be raging out of control around me.  This won’t last forever, only until i get a grip on myself.

Last night i got a whipping.  J told me to get him the black leather flogger.  Then he had me strip and get on all fours in the middle of the living room floor.   He proceeded to stripe my back and ass, starting out easy and getting progressively harder and harder until the lashes were hard to hold still for.  Just as i began to float though, he stopped.  i wish he had went farther.  But, its not mine to say.  All i can hope for, is that soon he will.

i am so lucky.

Shenanigans

So i went to therapy today and really talked to my therapist about how bad it is when i have my period.  She said i needed to tell my shrink.  No matter how much better i get every thing falls away and i’m back in the pit during my period.

i can’t imagine how much it will suck if i have to live the rest of my life like this.  It makes me feel hopeless.  i’ve worked my ass off to get to where i am mentally and my stupid hormones and some emotional hang ups fuck me up for a full week every fucking month.  Shenanigans.  i call shenanigans on that shit.

There has got to be something that can be done.

Pissing and Moaning

So i have my rag.  And, as always happens with my rag i feel whiney and needy and J is not into it.  So i’m all out of sorts.  i sat at Vanessa’s this morning and cried like a baby because my father doesn’t love me like he does her and Marcie.  Geez.  This is old news, i have no idea why i felt the need to even discuss it, much less cry about it.  i’m just an emotional train wreck today.

You know where i think all of this started?  With a bad case of subdrop.  The other day J used me rather viciously.  Then due to circumstances beyond his control i got no after care.  i crashed.  And, i haven’t really recovered.  Then i got my period on top of it, and i feel even worse.  i feel like i could burst into tears any minute and like i’m walking around waiting on the sky to fall.  i feel so melancholy i can barely breath and positively listless. Its a struggle to get my daily chores done.  i’m also easily overwhelmed to the point of a panic attack.

This sucks a dick.  Something has got to give here.  i hope ranting a bit about this in my journal helps me get a handle on it because if not i may snap when i have to go to the grocery store this afternoon.  i struggle with the grocery store under the best circumstances.  This is far from that.

What i wouldn’t give for a nice cathartic spanking.

Gratitude Day 7

Finally i’m grateful for the way our relationship works.  i’m grateful we both stopped fighting against our natures and trying to be “normal” and decided to do what was right for US.  If i could just keep that in my thick skull and not worry about someone else thinking me weak or a bad slave or whatever other things that float through my head.  i only have to worry about what J and i think.

i’m grateful that i plucked up my courage and asked him and i’m grateful he said yes.

Gratitude Day 6

my better mental health.  Its been a long struggle to get myself under control.  i still have a long way to go but i’m in a better place mental heal wise than i have ever been.  i can manage our finances, keep the house, care for our son, and take care of J.

The flashbacks and nightmares and fucked up thoughts still come but they don’t have the power over me they once did.  The depression has receded.   i can feel good things now.  i live for me and not just my family.

i’m grateful for that too.

Gratitude Day 5

my house is what i’m grateful for today. Its safe and comfortable. Its just a two bedroom and is not in the best shape, but its paid for and i love this place. There is no horror here. Its a safe haven.

my house is warm in the winter and cool in the summer. There is always food here to eat. There is always hot water and soap.

In short i know i complain a lot. But, i have it good in my little house. For the first time in my life all my basic needs are covered not as a privilege but as a right. J is not one of those Masters who make me feel like i don’t have the right to basic necessities. Quite the opposite, he’s spent years teaching me that i do. In this nice little safe house, all my basic needs will be met. And, i will be safe.

i’m grateful for that.

** i didn’t post yesterday with J’s permission. We had Kami all weekend. :D**

Gratitude Day 4

The subject of today’s post is Marcie and Vanessa.  They are my sisters and i love them and i’m thankful for them.  They are my roots.

Are they perfect?  Hell no!  They drive me nuts!  But, i love them in all their imperfect glory.

Here’s to Mama Marcie and my inspiration to change Vanessa.  i’m so grateful to have them in my life.

Gratitude Day 3

The topic of today’s post is my friends. Those fabulous folks i met online.

Lady C- Where can i begin. Before i met you my life was an unorganized mess. Nothing got done. You helped me learn a better way to do things. You encourage me. You inspire me. You support and encourage me. You listen to my struggles. You are so important to me. i’m so grateful you are a part of my life.

GP – Thank you for listening. Thank you for sitting up with me all night through mid terms that time. Thank you for always knowing how to fix everything. Just thank you. 🙂

LK- Oh goodness, what to say about LK? She does so much for me from listening to me whine to offering practicle advice to driving all the way to VA to visit me. A day without LK is like a day without sunshine. Dark and dreary. Thanks for being the sun in my day sugar pie.

Lili- You made things seem more manageable for me. Gave me the support and encouragement i needed to face my demons. Push me when i would give up on it. You are the other half of why my mental health is so much better. Thank you sugar.

starla- You help me with so many things. You gave me the job that helped my self esteem so much. You understand my limitations and how hard it is to overcome them. You help me all the time. You listen. You share of yourself. You are so special to me.

There are so many more. kitty, Terri, D, and watcher to name a few. But, Brad just got in from school and i have to close this post. You all mean the world to me. Thank you.