Gratitude Day 2

Today i want to write about my gratitude for my kids.  To fully appreciate how much i appreciate those beautiful little people you have to realize how convinced i was that i would never be blessed with a child.  i had been told by multiple doctors that i would never conceive much less carry a child.  Then i had miscarriage after miscarriage.

But, then came Brad.  Beautiful, sweet Brad.  His smile lights up a room.  Despite his autism he loves to snuggle and play with me.  His laugh is infectious.  He is my sunbeam boy and he brings me great joy.  He is usually happy and can lift my spirits when all seams dark.

And, then i was blessed again.  Lovely precocious Kami came into my life. She is so fascinating!  Watching her learn and grow has been and continues to be one of the greatest pleasures of my life.  She is so smart and beautiful, and no i’m not the least bit biased.  She makes me think, keeps me saner than i normally would be, and makes me strive to be a better person.

They are everything good in the world.

Gratitude Day 1

So i got this idea from Lady C who got it from somewhere else but you’ll have to check her blog to see where.  It came from a nice family blog and i don’t think they’ll appreciate finding themselves HERE.  LOL.

Anyway, the idea is to blog something you are grateful for everyday for a week.  i can do that easy.  i’m grateful for a lot of things.  The first thing i’m going to list is, of course, J.

He makes me complete.  He is the other half of me.  He lights me up and gives me joy.  i am never as good alone as i am with him.  i love him not only for who he is but for who i am when i am with him.  For he lends me strength and courage.  He is my rock, my shelter from the storm, my comfort and my salvation.  He has saved my life countless times and given me a reason to live during those dark days when i couldn’t find the light.

J gave me my beautiful babies.  Those precious souls that i cherish and never thought possible.  He is a good parent and does his share, changing diapers and dispensing medicine and comforting sick kids.  He doesn’t consider watching his own children “babysitting.”

J is everything i could want in a man.  i am so grateful for him.  So lucky to have him in my life.  So lucky.

Thinking Of Those At VA Tech

For the past two days i’ve watched the news with horror.  The tragedy at Virginia Tech is devastating.  All of those young lives lost.  This morning at coffee my sister and i watched the news and cried together.  One of the victims, a professor, was a holocaust survivor.  To come through that horror and be shot in such a senseless act of violence seems so… heartbreaking.  i just can’t wrap my mind around this thing.

Yesterday around two o’clock J and i saw two state troopers on the interstate with their blue lights on moving fast.  We couldn’t help but wonder if they transported parents to the school.  It was a horrifying thought.

my heart goes out to all those involved.  my thoughts are with them.

Promises Promises…

So yesterday J jokingly said he was going to beat me and i jokingly said, “Promises, promises.”  Suddenly he looked very stern and said, “Go get me the paddle.”

After a bit of arguing that i was just playing i went and got the cursed paddle.  He had me bend over and put my palms on the coffee table.

“After every stroke you say promises.”

He is evil.

i won’t be saying promises, promises anymore.

Panic Monsters

Today i am a nervous wreck.  i don’t know why.  i just feel shaky and ill at ease.  i feel like i may burst into tears at any moment.  i have shit to do and i don’t have time to be nuts today.  Unfortunately, i don’t think i have a choice about it.

i’ve got to go to the pharmacy and to the grocery store and frankly i’m scared to leave the house. i hate when this happens.  i hate being nutty.  i hate the panic monsters.

It doesn’t matter what i hate… i have to deal with this shit.  Dammit.

Housework

J has carpeted three rooms of our house this past week.  It looks really nice.  Now four rooms of our house all match. 🙂

This led to the new rule that i have to vacuum everyday.  And the further rule that if the housework isn’t done i get my ass beat.  Now, i keep my house.  But, i keep it *for me.*  This switches that mindset to keeping it *for J.* Fine right?

It makes me more nervous about the housework!

Punishment Vs. Play

i want to talk a bit about the difference between punishment and playing.  J can use the exact same implement for punishment as for play and i hate what i normally enjoy.  The mindset is just different.  The very worst part of punishment is not the physical pain but the horrible sinking heartbreak of knowing that i’ve disappointed J.

On that note, i often torture myself when there is no actual punishment just by expecting disappointment.  Here is an example.  The other day i took J’s Nova to Vanessa’s for coffee.  Coffee with Vanessa is a morning routine for me.  Anyway, Brad and i went.  It was cloudy but not raining.  Some time in the morning as i drank my coffee and Brad played it started to rain.  The Nova is a project car and has no windshield wipers.  So i couldn’t drive it home.  Vanessa’s husband brought me and Brad home.  Then i proceeded to spend the rest of the day absolutely torturing myself that J would be upset that i had had to leave the Nova at Vanessa’s.  He totally wasn’t and i had worried myself to death for nothing.  Just the imagined anger or disappointment was enough to have me in a tizzy.

So although i know some people play at punishment or act out just to get punished, in this house it is no fun.  i hate it.  It breaks my heart.  The only thing is, it allows me to forgive myself for disappointing J.  For that i am grateful for the pain.

Fantasy Fullfillment

This is a long post about sex.  If that’s not your cup of tea, just skip it.  i write these so i remember the details of really hot sex.

Last night i spent half the night whining to LK about how sexually frustrated i was and how there was no way in hell i was going to get any because J had been working so much overtime.  Well, that shows what i know.  i did get some.

He made me strip in the middle of the living room.  i was horribly embarrassed and i didn’t want to.  Finally he said, “I’m about to loose my temper,” and i tossed the shirt i was hiding behind onto the rocking chair and stood naked in the middle of the living room floor.  It felt like i was in a spotlight or something.  He made me put my arms behind my back and just stand there.  i could feel his eyes traveling over my body and all my flaws screamed at me.  When he told me to squeeze my nipples it was a relief.  A sense of getting down to business.

“Does it hurt?”

“No.”

“Make it hurt.”

So i squeezed harder and the nerve endings in my sensitive nipples came to life.  Then he had me sit in the big arm chair.  He had me drape my leg over the arm of the chair and show him my pussy.  i could feel my cheeks flame.  i knew he could see the moisture there.

“Rub it.”

So i ran my fingers softly over it.  He let me continue a moment before sending me to get my vibrator.  i struggled to get it in and then set the little panther gently against my clit before turning it on low.  He told me to close my eyes and make myself cum.  After a few seconds he asked me what i was thinking about.

In the end he drug the fantasy out of me.  He was standing over me.  He took his belt off and pushed me face down on the bed.  He whipped my ass until i nearly cried.  Then he took me from behind.  He forced me onto the bed and fucked my throat and finally fucked me on my back until he and i both came (well, i came multiple times.)  That was my fantasy.

As i told him about it, he came over and used the vibe on me really hard until i came explosively.   In the afterglow he shoved his cock in my mouth.  Everything worked.  my jaw didn’t ache for a change and i was able to slurp and bob and lick and suckle.  Way before i was done he sent me to the bedroom.  But then he let me get on my knees and suck again.  Delicious.

Finally he bent me over the bed and beat my ass with the belt.  It hurt.  OH!  i’d forgotten how much that thing hurt.  He was merciful though and only gave me about 8 or 9 strokes before throwing the belt aside and taking me from behind.  He fucked me hard bent over the end of the bed.

After a few minutes he told me to get up in the bed and followed me.  He was in my mouth.  i could taste myself on his cock. He only fucked my mouth for a minute before he put me on my back and began to pound me mercilessly.  i came over and over.

Then he put me up on my knees and fucked me doggy style until he came.  All in all it was delicious.

Memories

Cross posted from my LJ.

Swiped from thelilipages.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don’t speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want — good or bad. When you’re finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

Fuck It

i’m having a shitty day, everything sucks.