my Easter

J let me out of posting yesterday because we had an Easter cookout with his mom and stepdad, his uncle, Kami, and Brad.  It was a lot of fun.  The best part of the whole thing was that Kami had other plans and wasn’t supposed to be there, but decided that she wanted to be with us more than she wanted to go with her grandparents to an easter egg hunt.  They called and we went and got her.  It makes me feel so good when she choses us.  i’ll be so glad when she comes home to live.  i miss her so bad.

i continue to be shakey and ill at ease.  In the interest of improving my mental health J decided a spanking was in order last night.  He pulled out the crop and was swatting the foot of the bed while i was in the bathroom fiddling with my contacts.  It sounded so scary and i got very nervous.  When i was done he had me lean over the foot of the bed and began using the crop on my upper back and butt.  At first he used only the leather head of the crop and that felt good.  Then he flattened his strokes and the stick part of the crop smacked my skin and set it on fire.  i couldn’t contain my whimpers.  When the stick caught me squarely across the back of my thighs i couldn’t help but jump a bit and dance in place.  After a few more strokes J put it away and got the suede flogger out.  That is pure pleasure.  He used it hard, i could hear it catching wind, but it was still pleasure.  i closed my eyes and relaxed, letting the wonderful sensations wash over me.  Then he snapped it across my butt in that way that makes any flogger hurt.  Then he did it harder.  After a few more strokes like that he put me to bed and i settled onto my throbbing flesh, a reminder of J’s love and protection and fell into the most peaceful sleep i’ve had in days.

Potpourri

Today we had Jenny’s baby shower.  She looked so pretty.  Like a blossoming flower.  Pregnant women are so cute.  i felt bad because i couldn’t afford to get her anything, but money is just that tight.  Everyone tried to get me to eat a piece of cake so finally i just left.  i needed to leave anyway, J had to go with his friend to D.C. and i had a new respite worker coming in.

Brad is still having a hard time in the evenings.  Screaming and smacking.  Hopefully it will be better with J home.  i really hope so because i’m reaching the end of my rope with it. What can you do though?  Nothing.  Just try to ride it out.

i’ve been switchy lately.  Hopefully that shit calms down too.  No sense in it.

Slipping Again

i need something.  i feel myself slipping.  i can barely get the house cleaned and meals prepared.  Brad’s screaming and smacking is driving me crazier than it should.  i can usually be stoic about it, but i want to scream and smack right along with him.  The thought of going out to the grocery store is filling me with sick dread.

Now i can only pop the pills and write in journals and smoke too much and ride out the storm.  i don’t want to burden J again. i don’t want to be a mess.  i want my act pulled together like it was.  What the fuck happened?

Blue

i’m so blue today.  i don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.  i feel like i’m going to cry.  There is no reason.  No screaming, no fight between J and i, no real nutsiness to speak of.  Just this horrible weight on my heart.

i can’t find the energy to do anything.  i want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from the world.  i hate when i’m like this.

Safewords

i started blogging because of a site called Lessons Learned. It was the story of Lisa and Frank and Lisa’s slavery. i can’t find it anymore and i miss the story of her life a lot. One thing i really liked on Lisa’s site was an article she wrote on safewords and why she and Frank didn’t use one. You see, J and i don’t either. There are several reasons why.

First of all, i trust J. The whole basis of our dynamic is trust. i know that J will never take me to a place that i can’t go. He values me too much to compromise my health, be it my physical, mental or emotional health. He constantly evaluates my state to make sure i’m doing okay. If he feels i’m not he stops and checks in on me. i can always trust him to do that.

Secondly, if something is really hurting or scaring me i’m not sure i would remember to say red light. i’m more like to scream STOP IT. And, if i do J knows i’m serious. He respects what i say. We don’t need code words. All we need is mutual respect. i don’t cry wolf and he doesn’t ignore me when i’m serious.

There was more but i’ve lost my train of thought. Vanessa called bitching about her husband.

Update: After a comment from Terri i realize that safewords are important for people in new relationships and those new to the dynamic. Besides, this is what works for J and i, not what will work for you. If you are with a play partner of course that will be different. Your milage will vary and you may need a safeword to feel comfy. That’s quite alright and well and good. i don’t. In fact i’d feel worse with one and that’s also quite alright and well and good. Live and let live.

Now go enjoy your own personal choice. 🙂

Today i feel pretty

i’ve been trying to look better lately.  Fixing my hair, wearing my contacts, dressing nicer.  Today i got dressed and J was impressed.  He said i looked sexy.  So he used me.

He had me get on my knees in front of him and rub his cock.  It was semi hard.  i rubbed it a few minutes until he told me to suck.  Then i sucked him to full salute.  And, to my delight he let me continue to pleasure him with my mouth and my jaw actually cooperated and i was able to enjoy it.  It felt like heaven the soft satin skin stretched over his rock hard erection.  i let my tongue stroke and my lips slide, my throat taking him deep.  i have to press my thighs together just thinking about it.

Then he sent me to get on the bed.  He stood at the side of the bed and fucked my mouth for a while before climbing in and mounting me.  Pain!  i don’t know what was wrong with me, but it hurt!  i wanted him to have pleasure though, i was still into him finding me sexy and appealing.  And, that wonderful blowjob.  He fucked me on my back and on my knees and then i sucked him until he came.  The wonderful part about being totally focused on his orgasm is being able to hear the little breathy sounds he makes when he cums, feel the way his whole body tenses, all the little nuances i normally miss, so lost am i in my own pleasure.

It hurt but it felt good to be so sexy so desirable.  One look and he wanted me.  That hasn’t happened in a long time.  It was a real boost to my self confidence.  Today… i feel pretty.

This and That

i feel very scattered today.  Out of sync and not on the ball.  i don’t know what’s wrong with me.  i need to pull myself together.  There are bills to pay, dishes to wash, laundry to do, and various other things to attend to.  And, i feel completely overwhelmed by it all.  i’m even afraid of Brad coming home because i’m afraid of a repeat of yesterday evening.  How fucked up is that?  i’m afraid of my own kid.  Its just… i know how it is when he gets into one of his cycles.  my sweet little sunbeam boy becomes a little shrieking demon from hell.  And, it goes on for forever.  i’m scared.  i really am.  Please let it have been a bad day and not the start of a cycle.

i’m running behind in my cards due to nutsiness and that’s driving me crazy.  i hate missing a deadline.  So i’m trying to bust my ass on those.  And, get my business straight.  i’m working hard.  It feels good though, to be productive again.  i like feeling like i’m getting shit done.  Now to just get it done in a more timely fashion.

Brad’s Bad Day

Brad is having a bad day.  Screaming and smacking stuff.  J is at the race in Martinsville.  This is so hard.  He hasn’t had a bad day in a while.  i’d forgotten how hard it is.

my First Party

So, i just can’t blog everyday with J in the house.  Its impossible.  We’ll see what happens because i didn’t blog yesterday.  Hopefully nothing bad.

i had my first home party for Joyful Jewels yesterday.  Joyful Jewels is my sex toy business.  my friend Trina had a party and it went really well i think.  That was exciting.  i’ve got to replenish  my stock and get everything straight in my inventory tonight when Brad goes to sleep.

Then there was the fact that Kami made her grandmother call and say she wanted to come over when it wasn’t even our weekend to get her.  Of course we got her, and it made us beam.  She couldn’t spend the night because i was committed to do Trina’s party, but it was great having her here anyway.  Like an unexpected treat.

And finally, there was the yummy scene we had last night.  J bought chocolate body topping and Spice desensitizing anal lube (a knock off on anal eaze) from me.  He had me kneel at his feet and fed me a bit of chocolate body topping.  It was really good.  Then he sent me to the bed.

He got out the riding crop, the black leather flogger, and the paddle.  He started with the crop and was pretty easy as he used the end to kiss my flesh red.  He increased the intensity to the point of squirming, then dropped the crop over the edge of the bed and picked up the flogger.  He was fairly harsh with the flogger.  But soon enough i was rising to meet the blows.  He cast the flogger aside and picked up that bastard paddle.  He was gentle and still within seconds i was a quivering mess.  He must have seen what he was looking for because he said, “Get me the vibrator.”

He used the one that is a torture device.  It feels like it is ripping me apart.  But, it produces the most intense orgasms.  Finally, i had one.

Then he fucked me for a bit.  Just a short bit, before deciding to try that desensitizing anal lube.  Let me tell you… it didn’t work.  i’m dropping it from my products list.  It hurt worse than no lube at all.  It was awful.  Now, granted, J stuck it in as hard as he could thinking i’d be numbed a bit, but still.  The whole time was torture.  Something i endured because my Master wanted it.

Afterwards i was, of course, horny from having been used so rough.  So J used the nicer vibe on me until i came again.

All in all, a nice end to an exciting day.

Struggling To Catch Up

J expects a lot more out of me now. We were a lot more relaxed and i got by with basically murder around here. Now he has expectations. This is good. This feels good… it makes me feel more… fuck i don’t know… something. Something good. How eloquent is that?

Anyway.

The thing is, i’m not used to it yet. So he says something like… “I’m thirsty,” and my first reaction is, “Well get a drink.” i tell you, i am the queen of submission. He, however, has been really patient and hasn’t blistered my ass yet. He just looks at me like i’ve lost my mind and waits calmly for me to realize that i should get off my sorry ass and go get it for him. And, i do. After about two seconds. Then i’m embarrassed. Writing this here is kind of embarrassing, but what the hell.

In the past i had this kind of thing nailed cold. But, then we went so many years with things so weird between us. Neither of us were sure of our place. He didn’t even tell me he was thirsty, he just got his own drink. If he wanted me to get it for him, he told me to. i don’t understand subtle anymore. i’m relearning.

J’s style of dominance has changed yet again. i like the change, but its a bit of a struggle to catch up to him. i’m not quite sure what he wants yet and i’m having the usual growing pains of self doubt and insecurity. He’s being patient, its not him that’s causing the problem. As per usual, i want what i want right now. Yesterday.  And, i want to do better at this.