Another Lesson Learned

i got in trouble yesterday.  J came home and i asked him to watch Brad while i took a bath.  He said no.  i said “Gee thanks.”  Yeah, i know, how very slave like of me.  J wanted to go get something done on the car before the rain started and it was already thundering.  He decided to let me get in the tub, but then it started raining before he got to the car.  He grounded me from the computer for the rest of the night.  The rain cleared off later and he was able to get the car done so he relented on the grounding, but still… i learned a lesson.

i should put what J needs to do before what i want to do.  i shouldn’t have needed to get in trouble to figure this out, but i did.  i could have waited for our respite worker to get here to take a bath.   This was pure selfishness.  What use is a selfish slave?  None.

i’m sorry J.

Warding Off The Boogyman

Yesterday i was talking to Lady C about how all of life is a trade off.  For every good thing you get there is a price.  For example, i’ve lost a lot of weight.  This is fabulous.  But, now i have like NOTHING to wear.  Or, when J works lots of overtime we have money.  But, i never see him.  When he doesn’t work overtime, he’s here… but we are broke.  There is a price for everything.

The older i get the more i see that without the price tag we wouldn’t appreciate what we get as much.  While the price sucks, without it maybe we would just go through life never noticing the little things.  Like how awesome our man smells, or how beautiful our children’s smiles are, and even the patterns new leaf buds make.  These little things are truly what make the moments worth living.

i intend to start savoring my moments more.  To truly drink in each little detail with all of my senses.  i want to store up for hard times.  When times get tight i want to remember the way Brad looked in the sun or how J had smiled or Kami’s genuine delight.  i’ll save these up and maybe use them to ward off the boogyman.  i can try anyway.

Go Away Rag

So i’ve started my period.  i’m worried it will shatter the intimacy that J and i have enjoyed lately.  We’ve been having sex almost every day, he’s been randomly smacking my butt, telling me he wants me all the time.  Its been nice.  But, now we can’t have sex.  Well, unless he wants anal.  i’m afraid our intimacy will dry up and blow away.  Not the sex so much, but the intimacy.  And, i want that, desperately.  i need that.

This thing between us is fragile sometimes.  We break it and then we have to fix it and fixing it is a pain in the ass.  i know relationships are supposed to be work and none are easy, but i hate when its broken.  It feels like my heart is broken.  i don’t want to be heart broken right now.  i want to continue to bask in the goodness.

Go away rag.

YAY me!

We all go through cycles in our relationships.  Sometimes we are very close (like now) and sometimes the ties that bind us together grow thin and frayed.  i don’t know why its like this, why we can’t always feel warm and fuzzy.  But, i do know i truly appreciate the close times when they come around and that i mourn the distant times when the come to pay their respects.

i go through similar cycles with my illness. Sometimes i do very poorly.  Flashbacks, body memories, voices, screaming, and just general icky nutsiness.  Lately i’ve been struggling a bit.  March is a very hard time for me.  February too.  Late winter is just bad.

Anyway.

Today i was talking with LK and i realized that i’m proud of the fact that i’ve mostly learned to live with my illness.  It gives me a real sense of accomplishment.  Despite the sticky notes, the pill box, and the other little things i have to do to make it through day to day life, i do in fact make it through.  At one time that seemed impossible.  It seemed like i would never function again and J would always have to pick out my clothes because even that choice overwhelmed me.  i’ve come a very long ways.  These days i can keep my house, take care of Brad, and please J with nice meals.

Yay me!

Fooling Kami

So i missed yesterday’s post.  Mostly because every time i sat down in front of the computer J needed something.  He concurs that this was the problem so i’m not in trouble.  i have a feeling its going to be hard to follow this post every day rule when he doesn’t work.  Just because he likes my attention on him when he is in the house.  Not unreasonably.

So about yesterday… It was the anniversary of my mother’s death and Kami’s birthday party across the mountain.  That is so hard.  i have to pretend to be superfly fine when i feel like i’m falling to a million pieces inside.  i don’t know why my mother’s death is still so hard for me.  i know i should be over it a bit by now, but i’m just not.  Every year its hard.  Most of the time Kami’s bday falls in the middle of the week and this isn’t a big deal because i can mourn my mother on the 24th and still be super mom by the party.  This year it just didn’t work out that way.  i hope i was able to fool her.

The Erratic Ride

Its ridiculous.  my extended family drives me nuts.  They pull at me all the time.  i just want to be left in peace for a little while.  Vanessa acts like i have no life except to do her bidding.  Yesterday when my triffling ass respite worker actually showed up i had to go dye her hair instead of going for the walk i wanted to take.  Today i have to go pick her up from the shop where her husband works instead of going for the walk i want to take.  i’m fucking sick of it.  i know, i know, no one can stop it but me, but the resulting sulk fest when i tell her no really isn’t worth telling her no.  Manipulative little bitch that she is.  Yes, i’m resentful today.

Another thing i wanted to talk about is how i talk about J in this blog.  It used to upset him that sometimes he came off like an “asshole” (his word, not mine.)  This is my place to vent, to let it all hang out, to tell the good, the bad, and the ugly.  i don’t censor myself here.  J is fabulous.  i would never be in a relationship (let alone a M/s relationship) with a jerk.  But he is a human with flaws.  Expect to see them.  You’ll see mine too.  This isn’t a la la la life is grand kinda blog.  You get the down and dirty sex but you also get the down and dirty he’s a bastard and the they are cutting off our utilities!  Welcome to the ride that is my life.  Hold on, it moves pretty erratically.

Being Mom

Sometimes its tough being the mom of an autistic kid.  People look at me funny when Brad hoo hoos in stores.  i have to depend on undependable people to come look after him so i can go take care of things most people take for granted.  Like going for a walk.  Or right now…  i’m hungry and i’d like to run down to Hardees and get me a low carb burger but there isn’t much gas in the truck and i’m afraid Brad will scream for the rest of the night for a ride.  So do i go hungry or do i cause my kid to scream? (J has the money with him at work, i don’t have money to put gas in the truck.)

i wish we had groceries in the house… then it wouldn’t matter.

my Lost Collar and Feelings of Submission

Today J had me wear my play collar for a few hours. It really made me reflect on my submission in a way that i don’t usually as i go about my day to day business. my neck has been bare for far too long. i know a collar is only a symbol much like a wedding ring, i feel it is an important reminder. It is a comfort and a spur to do my very best in all things. i shouldn’t need a bit of jewelry to remind me.

i adore J. He and my children are what make my life bright. i think of all the things he has given me and i feel shame that i need a scrap of metal to remind me to feel those feelings. When i lost my collar (my day to day one) he wasn’t upset and i didn’t understand why. He said it was just a symbol and it didn’t make me any less his slave. But i let it.

i’m sorry J.

LK Comes To Town

So my friend LK came up and yesterday and stayed the night and left around 1:30 today.  We had the best time!  She spoiled me rotten with trips out to eat and little gifts.  Beyond that we really talked and it was so nice to have a kinky friend to talk to live and in person who really got me.  She understood my body issues, my fucked up family issues, and of course the dynamic.  i felt so warm and fuzzy.  It was wonderful.   ANNNNNDDDDD, she may come back again!

*bounces*

This really helped J too.  This is the first time we’ve met another D/s person rt.  It eased a lot of his fears about me repeating patterns of abuse because LK had so many of the same fears and concerns about displeasing her Master as i did about J.  So many of his niggling fears were brushed aside.  He saw that other people lived this way too and that it was okay.  That it was something that LK craved too and she had no history of child abuse.  J is so sweet to always worry.  But, this is what completes me.  This is what makes me feel whole.  This is what i have chosen and what i want.  i’m quite sure.  It makes me feel safe and loved and protected.  It is simply who i am.

When LK left J and i had a mini scene.  He attached the wrist cuffs to my wrists and put the chain through the eyebolt in the ceiling.  He got out the black flogger and the whartenburg wheel that my friend Lady C sent me.  He drug the wheel over my left butt cheek and up my back then down the right side of my back and over my right butt cheek.  He stepped in front of me and drug the wheel down over my right breast and i tensed when it dug into my sensitive nipple.  Then he repeated the process with my left breast.  Finally he tossed the evil wheel on the bed and picked up the flogger.

Strokes rained down on my ass and back.  They came faster and harder and soon i was squirming with them my arms stretched high over my head by the chain.  Before long i was moaning with desire and my thighs were slippery with need.  He unchained me and told me to get on my knees.

i dropped to my knees and sucked his cock.  It was delicious.  The texture is like satin and he just smells so fucking good.  i could bury my face there for days.  i took him deep in my throat and swallowed on it, trying to massage his cock with my throat.  After a while he crawled into the bed and i serviced his cock a while longer before he rode me, grabbing my legs to pull my ankles up high.  It hurt so good i had an intense orgasm that ripped through me and left me shuddering and weak.  Then he flipped me doggy style.   After a bit he put me back in the floor to suck.  i could taste myself on his cock and that only made me hotter and more determined to taste his cum.  i sucked, slurped, swallowed and licked but ultimately he took my treat from me and put me back on my knees and pounded away until he came.

It was yummy.

i have a new rule.  i have to blog everyday.  i have kind of let this blog go.  So be prepared.  i have no idea what i’m going to write about everyday.

Shallow?

So we had a scene.  A really intense one that included my begging for it to stop before it was all over with.  It also included several super intense orgasms and endorphins from the ass beating i took.  It was great.  i wish i had blogged sooner with the details… but they are lost now.

The point is… i feel better.

When our sex life is going well… i feel better.  Shallow?  Perhaps.  But true.