Geez. i can’t catch a break. J doesn’t seem to get it. i want him. i need him. And, he backs off. i don’t know why. i don’t know if he is having his own issue (if that’s the case i wish he’d discuss it with me) or if he thinks he’s gonna break me or what.
i’m lonely. i have great friends. But, friends only carry you so far. i miss J.
i’ve felt out of control lately and so yesterday i crawled into J’s lap and asked for a spanking. He sent me to the bedroom and had me pull down my pants and pull up my shirt and bra. He gave me one extremely hard lick with the paddle that took my breath and then switched to the leather flogger. It was long and it was hard and i was in tears by the time he was done. Then he held me and told me i was his good girl.
i feel much more centered. Sometimes i just feel out of control and i need that… reset, for clarity. i think i need it often right now. It gives me something to hold on to.
i’m sick, yet again. i get every little bug that comes around, my immune system sucks. Probably because i don’t sleep well or eat right. i try, but i’m just not good on those things, and so i stay sick. Oh joy.
J and i are in a weird place. He’s just… distant. All of a sudden out of the blue he’ll be very dominant and while i enjoy it… it doesn’t make me feel closer because of the inconsistancy. Now i’m certainly not going to complain, he’ll either shut down or whip my ass, neither of which is the result i’m looking for. i just wish i knew what kept him distracted and distant. How i could help him turn towards me more fully, how i could be more pleasurable.
Bah. i don’t know what’s going on. It will resolve itself, in time i hope. i’m not very happy with the way things stand right now.
i’ve stopped writing in this blog as much because i started writing for my audience. i worry that this reader will think me weak or that that reader will think me pushy. If this continues, i’ll switch everything over to my live journal and lock posts i feel uncomfortable with. Blogging means too much to me to let myself worry about what others think to the point that i gag myself.
Right now, i’m barely hanging on. But, something good is in my life. This review really lifted me. Someone who is not my friend or family member liked my work. So now i feel comfortable enough to say, come on over to BDSM-Greetings and check out my cards. i hope you find something you like. 🙂
J was trying to tighten the reigns, but then he got sick. Hopefully that will clear up.
More when life uncomplicates a bit.
i have some truly awesome friends. GP sent me a package for my birthday. It had four groovy books about India in it, that i can’t wait to read. It also had a shit load of great music that i’ve been playing to death and driving J straight up the wall with. Yay! Thank you GP!!!
Today a package arrived from Lady Calliah. A cute Teeshirt that i adore. Thanks so much sweetie.
In addition to these two truly fantastic friends, my new boss over at bdsm-greetings starla and i have become very tight and i’m truly grateful for her as well. my job as a designer means the world to me. i get to make money doing something that i love. One of my cards is even being featured along with some others in a publication due out in Feb. i’ll write more about it when i know more.
Tax time approaches and the end of a lot of our financial woes. We really screwed ourselves this year. i’ll be so glad for it to be over. A period of no financial stress. Yeah, i can get into that.
Oh what the fuck. i’m sick and tired of feeling like i’m loosing my goddamn mind. Sick of it. Sick to fucking death. i’ve been feeling like i’m falling into a million pieces lately and i can’t seem to pull it together. i don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. But, i don’t like it.
i didn’t get a birthday spanking. i’m not getting a lot of spankings lately period. i do get fucked fairly regular,but D/s is missing. And, i’m missing it. i’m not going to complain to J though. i feel like all i do is complain. So i’m just going to keep my yap shut, and hope for the best.
Fuck a duck. i’m in a fucked up mood. i’m gonna hit the tequilla bottle and cry into the bowl. It don’t help, but it does make me forget for a while.
What the FUCK is wrong with me?!?
i *wish* i was writing about a hot scene, however i haven’t had one in forever. Mostly because Brad has been here constantly and J has been obsessed with the xbox game Midnight Club. Seriously that game needs to die. It is interferring with my sex life.
Here it is New Year’s Day again. i’m feeling energized, if slightly hung over. i’m excited about the possibilities 2007 may hold. i hope to start a business. i’ll tell you all about that a little later.
This year i’m going to get under the 200 lb mark with my diet. All in all, i’ve steadily taken weight off for the past two years. i know that my loss has been slow, but in the end i know i will keep it off. YAY! Onederland here i come.
i don’t have any real resolutions. Just continue working on the goals that i set for myself last year and that i’ve made huge strides in. Maybe to find a way to get laid more often, or to blog more often.
Have fun folks and i’ll see you here when i talk J into beating my ass again.
i just got a new toy for this blog. Check out my sidebar. Thanks to the lovely Lady C, you can now listen to music i like while you read my madness. If you have similar taste in music you may even find something you like.
In other news i’m battling another bout of insanity. i will get through it, but its a pain in the ass.
We are supposed to scene tonight. If we do i’ll give you the juicy details tomorrow. 🙂
So yesterday i got my packages from BDSM-Gear and Wholesale Panties. i got a hell of a chunk of my christmas presents and that included stuff for J. i got J a riding crop, a red suede flogger, a collar for my neck, and a set of nipple clamps. i got myself a new vibrator. Merry christmas to me from me. *wink*
Last night J decided to try everything out. He wasn’t feeling the greatest so he let me know upfront that we weren’t going to have sex. But, he wanted to play and so play we did.
He started by attaching my wrist ankle and thigh cuffs. Then he had me kneel on the bed and he attatched my collar. It was a little tight and i’m debating sending it back or ordering another one inch bigger. Then he got out everything he intended to use. It looked like an arsenal. The oak paddle, the riding crop, the leather flogger, the suede flogger, the nipple clamps and the new vibe lay on the bed in a pile.
i shuddered a little with fear and excitment when he picked up the riding crop. He used the leather head to slap my nipples, making them harden. Then he attatched the nipple clamps. They hurt but in a way that sent fire directly to my pussy. When he yanked the chain i could only moan and purr.
Then he ordered me to my knees. First came fast hard licks with the paddle. i could only whimper and squirm as each lick seared my tender flesh. After about 20 licks he laid the paddle down and switched to the riding crop. Maybe my pain tolerance has grown. i seem to remember having a dread of the riding crop. But, this one is NICE. The leather head kissed my skin to a glow of red but it wasn’t agony it was that nice painful place that i adore. Yummy. Next he moved on to the suede flogger. Pure pleasure. i found myself arching my back and lifting for the strokes. i think that is my favorite item. Finally he switched to the leather flogger and wore me out. The leather was a biting sensation after the soft suede and i was flying by the time he switched back to the suede to finish me off. i could barely follow orders, much less think.
Then he had me lay with him seated between my legs. He pushed the new vibe into my dripping cunt and twisted it. It has the metal balls inside the shaft which stick out way farther than my little pearls in my old vibe. The result is a tearing feeling inside my overly tight pussy. The vibe is more of a genital torture device for me. Which is yummy. i don’t have any idea how many orgasms i had as the tearing ripping sensation continued deep inside me, i only know it was a lot. Finally he shoved his finger into my ass and i screamed with the force of the last few orgasms. i lay spent on the bed beneath his assult, only able to whimper at the ripping inside me and fire in my nipples when he yanked the chain. He asked if i’d had enough and instantly replied that i had. i felt i couldn’t take another minute.
He pulled the vibe out and i swear i expected to see blood on it, but all was fine. He sent me to clean up the vibe and put it away and i asked him to take off the nipple clamps. He refused and instead sent me to get his book. i lay beside him panting as he read Thomas Odd by Dean Koontz. After a while he did remove the nipple clamps and cuddle me a bit. That made me horny again but i supressed it.
i wore my cuffs a good while longer until the tight collar started to feel like it was choking me. i asked if i could remove it and he said i could take everything off.
It was a yummy night. i hope he feels like fucking tonight!
So. Fuck me. my blowjob has gone to hell in a handbasket. my FUCKING JAW is so fucked up that i can’t open my mouth wide enough to not scrape J when i’m on my knees. Now, when i sit beside him and lean over that’s all well and good, no scrapola. But goddammit, when i get on my knees to suck if i don’t scrap him every fucking time! Its awful. i know this sounds stupid, but i feel like a part of me has died. i’ve given a stellar blowjob all my life. And i could do it standing on my head if i had to.
This is extremely distressing. i NEED that surgery. Now not only because of the pain, the headaches, the noise and every other pain in the ass thing about my jaw… but its amputated a major part of my identity. It sounds sick but something that i held on to when i didn’t have ANY self esteem was that i could give the best damn blow job that a man had ever had. Now that’s gone and it makes me sick to my soul. Yes, i know, you are calling the men with the butterfly nets. i could give a fuck, i want my hard won skill back. Do you know what i gave up to be able to do that?
*sigh*
That’s enough ranting. In other news, Iris had her baby. A beautiful little girl. Jenny found out she is also carrying a girl. Vanessa is recovering from her surgery. J remains tuned in and wonderful. Brad’s home program worker quit and i can’t find a dependable respite care worker.
Life spins on… even if i can’t suck a dick on my knees anymore. It seems impossible, but its true.
Always His angel 