Giving Thanks

So… things i am thankful for…

J, and our renewed relationship.  i can’t tell you the happiness this brings me.

Brad and Kami.  Despite Brad’s autism, the kids are basically healthy and they are the light of my life.  Both are so special and wonderful in their own unique way.

The amazing friends i have.  You guys know who you are and i am thankful for you everyday.  You all give me so much.  To name a few: Lady C, GP, Lili, Watcher, kitty, starla, Nuala, D, Terri, and so many others that make my life so much better just by being a part of it.

my extended family.  They drive me crazy, but i dearly love both my sisters and their families.  my tiny great nephews… my neices and nephews, all of my loved ones.

a few other things:

medicaid waiver

unlimited long distance

my new job

renewed sex life

weight loss

Round and Round We Go

J is down with a toothache. He pretty much can’t do anything besides moan and gripe. He made it to work today, but i wouldn’t be surprised to see him at any minute. i’m worried about money and feeling guilty that i can’t work and see us through so he can deal with his tooth. i always feel guilty when J is sick. The truth is we live paycheck to paycheck and when J isn’t well there is no paycheck. It’s not good.

Financial worries seem to be a theme lately. All i do is worry about money. i hate money. i’m so tired of stressing about all of this. i’d love to relax, even for just a little while. Even when i thought we’d be okay, something else came up and we aren’t. Its ridiculous.

At some point i will have two good days strung together and then i will party. And, i promise to write about it so ya’ll can hear something besides bitching.

GO VOTE!!!

i just voted.  If you are an american, you should too.  Go now.

Conclusions

J’s take on the whole needs issue was that every person on the planet has needs.  If they aren’t being met, of course i won’t be happy.  That doesn’t mean anything.  And, now i feel kind of silly.  After talking to him, of course its obvious that i was always meeting my own needs in this relationship.  Why else would i be in it?  i’ve been in a relationship that didn’t meet my needs, and its a mistake i’ll never ever repeat.

We came to the conclusion that J’s long depression and identity crisis had left me “alone” for a long time.  During that time i became less trusting, harder, and just generally less submissive.  In short, feeling untended, unwanted for so long made me resentful and distrustful.  So we need to work on getting back to that soft place i had before.  That soft place where *i* was happy and J was king.

Why do we need to work on it?  Because this is still a relationship. and i was happier there.  Just as i am dependant on his happiness for mine, he is dependant on my happiness for his.  Because we are in a reciprical relationship.

And, i don’t care what my label is.  Fuck it.  J and his angel.  That’s who we are.

i don’t know

i just finished reading the locked post of a friend and it made me think. i’m not much of a slave. i’m not much of a submissive either. i want J to be happy. J’s happiness is the pinnacle of importance to me. But, i believe that is for my own selfishness. i want to be happy and i’m not unless he is.

i do care about my own needs a great deal. If they are not being met, i am unhappy, despite J’s happiness. i need to feel needed and wanted and loved to be content. i’m not content being a toy setting on a shelf waiting for J to decide to play with me. i’m simply not and if that negates the possibility of me being a good slave, then maybe its time to redefine my role. i don’t want to spend my life engaged in something i suck at.

Perhaps i’m more of a surrendered wife. i don’t know. i have needs. If they are not met i’m unhappy. Besides human, what does that make me?

i don’t know.

Good Things

So i’ve got a job sorta. i’m making cards for bdsm-greeting in exchange for products from the owner’s websites. i should be able to do a good chunk of my christmas shopping from there. So maybe i won’t hate christmas quite as bad this year.
Brad got approved for medicaid waiver. This means a lot. It means i don’t have to kiss the FAPT team’s ass anymore. It means i don’t have to buy diapers anymore. It means i don’t have to pay the copay on his medicine. It means we’ll have a hell of a lot more money. YAY
J and i are getting along great. We are really there for one another and things are going well. i’m happy with him. He’s happy with me.

i’m going to feel better, dammit.

Eventually

i’m going to be fine.  Really.  i will.

Eventually.

Fucked Fucked and Fucked

Well. i got laid in a wonderfully scrumptiously painful way. It was complete with belt strokes, flogging, nipple torture and anal. Yummy. Wonderful sex. But, in the middle of it J said to me, “you’ll try harder to get better, won’t you?” That’s when i realized just how long i’ve been doing so poorly. Its bad. Its been bad for a long while now. And, i don’t know how to make it better. Burying my head in the sand doesn’t seem to be working. Imagine that.

A lot of it is stress. We are financially fucked and i had to hustle to just get all the bills covered and food on the table for the next week. Its depressing. Then there is Brad’s constant illnesses and the fact that J keeps getting sick and having to miss work. Brad’s home program. Oh god, that one alone. Anyway, you get the point, i’m under a lot of stress.

All this stress makes it hard for me to try to sort out what’s going on with me and do something about it. Being crazy is a full-time job and right now i don’t have time for it. i’m busy with my other full time job… being a wife and mother. i don’t have time to journal or do my artwork or any of the other things that help. i barely have time to breath. So i look to end up in trouble for being super fruity. Because i can’t calm down enough to work on it.

Dammit

Book Meme

1. One book that changed your life: i can’t think of any book that changed my life.
2. One Book That You’ve Read More Than Once: There are too many to list.  i reread everything.  Here’s one- The Stand by Stephen King
3.One Book You’d Want On A Desert Island:
4. One Book That Made You Laugh: Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells
5. One Book That Made You Cry: Bastard Out of Carolina by Dorothy Allison
6. One Book That You Wish You Had Written: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
7. One Book You Wish Had Never Been Written: The Door to December by Dean Koontz
8. One Book That You Are Reading Right Now: i’m reading both Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Gerald’s Game
9. One Book That You Have Been Meaning To Read: The Divinci Code
10. Tag five others that you would like to do this meme

i refuse to tag anyone.  If you want to do this, boogie down.

J is so fucking hot. Every line of his body says that he is in charge. Every gesture, every word makes me feel more tightly controlled. More his. We are both sick, which would once have ripped our intimacy to shreds and left me thinking dire thoughts about him. Instead we had hot lustful (if coughing and hacking) passionate sex last night. i love the fact that his cock gets hard with whipping me. That there is always an electricity between us that could ignite at anytime.

We are better on softer level as well. More likely to be snuggled up and laughing together than me watching tv and him playing his computer game or vice versa. So many times we have been cut off from each other and now i feel fully connected and its fantastic. Not to say he doesn’t do other things or have other interests, he does. Its just… i know that i’m one of his main interests again. 🙂

Vanessa is having her back surgery on November 7th. i dread it. i don’t know how i will take care of her all the time and still take care of my own family. Its going to be tough. i wish she would just break down and hire a fucking home health nurse to help me. She’s so selfish though that she’d rather work me to death than have a stranger in her home a little. It pisses me off.

Jenny started her new job today. i think i’ll call and see how it went.