Still Nutty

i am STILL nutty. For the love of fuck. Hasn’t this gone on long enough? Yes, it has. Enough already. i call shenanigans on this. Enough of the fruitiness. i am however getting fucked and beaten with great regularity. If that’s the trade off i guess i’ll put up with being nuts. However, it’d be so much nicer to get fucked and beaten and be half way sane to boot.

Just for a little while.

i’ve had no luck finding a woman. Its driving me nuts. i can’t even find one to play with. Much less any sort of serious connection. *sigh* And, i am talented too, dammit. Wasted.

Serious

J pushes these days.  The whip bites harder.  The vibe grinds harder on my clit.  i asked him, to see if perhaps i was just turning into a pussy and he said yes, he pushes.  He wants me to see how serious he is he said.  If my throbbing ass is any indication, he’s pretty damn serious.

i’m glad.  Its nice to be a serious priority again.

i’ll Take It By Damn

So i didn’t get a two hour scene but i sure as hell got something.  i was flying today, as i do most every week day.  That’s cleaning my house 15 minutes at a time for those of you who don’t know.  Anyway, i was cleaning, and i felt overwhelmed and i curled up at J’s feet for a minute for comfort.  This ended up with his dick in my mouth and i gave him a blow job.  When he was done he took his belt off and told me to bend over, i’ve been a little nutty lately (okay a lot nutty) so i panicked because i couldn’t figure out which way to bend over.  J lost his patience and jerked me into place and laid his belt across my ass about two dozen times with searing cracks.  Then he led me in into the living room and put me on the sofa.  He unbuttoned my dress and played with my tits and nipples a bit while i caught my breath and finally sent me to get two clothes pins.  He clamped my nipples and sent me to clean.  Ever scrubbed a stove with clothes pins on your nipples?  Try it some time.

When he took them off i had to hop up and down and he took them off one at a time and minutes apart.  Then i went back to flying until he got ready to get in the bath tub.  i went in to sit and talk with him while he washed and he sent me to get my favorite flogger which we got from BDSMGear.  i sat there and talked to him and toyed with the flogger waiting for my beating knowing how deliciously it would hurt.  my sex was throbbing.

Finally he sent me to the bed and i laid the flogger out for him.  He got dressed and i attempted to talk to him but he ordered me to silence.  He wanted me to only think about my wet cunt, the coming blows, and his will.  Then he picked up the flogger and set to work.  OUCH!  The blows rained down and he hit me in my sit spot repeatedly where i’m so sensative.  i squirmed, i whimpered and finally i floated on a cloud of endorphins.  i’m still flying.

Whoo hoo!  It wasn’t two hours, but i’ll take it by damn!

Ice Skating In Hell

Life is hectic. i’m trying to keep on top of my house, cope with Brad’s home program, and stay in touch with a man who works himself to death and spends every spare moment either working on a car or playing a computer game. Its tough.

J owes me a two hour scene. i figure i’ll get it around the time i’m ice skating in hell. i want badly to have it. But, i don’t see it happening. Life is just too chaotic. We have fallen into a rut of blowjob followed by rough sex. Sometimes it works for me, often it doesn’t.

Iris is getting big with her baby. She is adorable. Jenny is also pregnant, due the day after Brad’s birthday. Two more great nieces or nephews. God, i’m old. 30 looms.

Money Madness

Now J is sick. So he missed another day of work. So we’ll be fucked for money. Again. Dammit. We just can’t win.

The fantabulous Lady C sent us a gift, a really wonderful extravagant gift that really pulled our butts out of the fire last week. Without that gift i don’t know what we would have done. She is the greatest friend a girl could have and i appreciate her from the bottom of my heart.

The thing is… i haven’t even been able to afford to send a thank you card. i feel like an asshole. i did something, but it hasn’t worked yet. i’m waiting on it to work. Bottomline… money is driving me nuts, and its going to continue to be a problem due to J being ill.

i see my shrink and my med doc on Friday. i’m afraid they will stick me back in the looney bin because there has been no improvement and in fact i have gotten worse. Dammit. Fuck it all, i’m going to Vanessa’s and get passed the bong.

Thread

J broke another paddle on my ass.  Another.  *sigh*  my ass is getting too tough or something.  Because it hurt, and it hurt bad, but used to be if he had broke a paddle on it i would have been in hysterics, and instead i was disappointed because my spanking had to be over.

i’m still majorly fruity.  Brad is sick.  J is still being great though.  Well, other than the brief period when he came unglued and screamed and threw shit on Sunday.  He’s under a lot of pressure.  But, he’s helping mostly, and he’s trying to keep me going.  That’s what counts.

We are hanging on… even if it is only by a thread.

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Ruining a Perfectly Good Cigarette

So yesterday J decided to spank me.  i wanted to duck my cigarette and he absolutely would not let me.  Then he made me go lay across the bed and used the black flogger hard on my back butt and thighs.  i couldn’t get into it at all because all i could think about was my expensive ass cigarette burning up in the ashtray and what an unreasonable prick J was.

End result:  i was sore, filled with resentment, and my cigarette burned up in the ashtray.  Money just wasted.  It still seems stupid to me.

Wanted: One Good Woman

Where do i begin to look?  i want a woman way more than J does.  So primarily, she must be bi.  And, into me.  But, if i have her, he wants her too sometimes… so she must be kinky and into him… sometimes.  And, i’m not looking for just a fuck buddy.  i want a genuine friend.  Someone who i can be close to, have a real relationship with.  Long passionate kisses are a priority but i also want to go swimming, call to talk, dance, all that good shit.

How do i write that ad?  Where do i put it?  How does a lifestyle submissive get a girlfriend?  i miss having a woman in my life desperately.  Its been way too long.  i’m lonely for that type of connection. Women are special, and it leaves a void.  i don’t know how to go about filling it.

Ideas?

Faith

i am doing better. i did have it out with J. Its just not in me anymore to be quiet if i’m pissed off. Yesterday he came in from work in a pissy mood acting the ass and i had enough of it. i jumped on him with both feet. If he thought this was a license to treat me like shit he was sadly mistaken. He apologized and we are at a shakey truce.

Then i went out to Wal-hell. There was a lot of rain and wind here yesterday coming off of Ernesto and people were acting nuts. Actually fighting over bread and shit. It just happened to be my grocery day and there was no food in my house so i HAD to go. Major pisser. But i lived through it and made it home.

We didn’t spend any time together as that he played his computer game til i went to bed. But, hopefully things will improve soon. They have to. i have faith.